So...for those who care, and/or have been keeping up.....
I spoke to CB today. And to sum it all up...my heart and head are in a VERY good state right now.
It's the first step (baby steps, I might add), but I honestly didn't realize I needed to hear certain things from him, until I heard them come out of his mouth..... Apologies. Acknowledgment of the errors that were made...I feel like our friendship, as strong as it was even before we began dating, is something that is real, and pure. And even though we didn't work out as a couple, that friendship is something I feel is worth salvaging and repairing. So that's all I'll go into for now, but yeah... The only way I can describe is like being stuck in a ditch, and finally having your car pushed out so that you can get to where you need & want to be. ♥
Relapse? ♥
For the past couple hours, I've had Erykah Badu's "Green Eyes" on repeat....It's always been one of my favorites, but for some reason, when it came up in my shuffle earlier, I just felt the need to turn repeat on. For anyone who's ever listened to it, the song is composed of 3 movements. Denial, Relapse, and Acceptance..... The Relapse movement is speaking to my soul right now....seriously...Especially these first few lines:
Out of nowhere, I just had some type of mid-twenties crisis, and I felt like screaming...and throwing shit...and breaking shit...and just....spazzing the fuck out, for lack of a better verb! But I can't do that....so I decided to write....I want so badly to just move on...Lord knows I do. And the reason this song is speaking to me right now..is because I truly feel that battle between mind and heart...I think I'm just acknowledging it for the first time. My mental self is soooo over this shit. I know for a fact that I don't want this relationship back. My emotional self, however, is on some whole other shit. She's trippin.....She's the one who WILL NOT let go completely....and I feel like crying out for help, but I just...can't. I feel like if it's so easy to mentally get over something, why shouldn't I be able to do it emotionally as well?? I don't sit around thinking "Oh my gosh, I miss him...I wish we were back together"....I sit around thinking about how I want him to hurt...and suffer...and wonder. Because that's what I was left to do. I guess this is what happens when you don't have closure?
It's been over 4 months. I haven't removed one picture from the frames in my living room....I haven't deleted him from FB...Haven't deleted our pics from FB...which people are STILL commenting on (smh)... I haven't gotten rid of the box full of letters, pictures, artwork, movie stubs, and other random shit I save....I just can't let go. Why??
And I know that at some point I need to do these things...and people still come to my apartment, and see the pictures on the wall & shelf, and give me this sideways look...but they don't say anything. It's almost like if I get rid of all these things, it'll be too permanent....and I feel like I need to do them in my own time. Then I sit back and think...for him, it's already permanent! I was ALWAYS in his corner...even if he was on some stupid shit that I didn't agree with. I'd state my objection, but still offer my support. I was a dope ass girlfriend. Loyal to a fault. For years! Even after all I did...all I put into 'Us', he's moved on and never looked back. Not once. So why can't I?
I thought I was past this point.
"I'm insecure....
But I can't help it...
My mind says move on...
But my heart lags behind...
I don't love you anymore,
I'm so insecure,
Never knew that love did this...."
I feel...EXACTLY like this right now...Out of nowhere, I just had some type of mid-twenties crisis, and I felt like screaming...and throwing shit...and breaking shit...and just....spazzing the fuck out, for lack of a better verb! But I can't do that....so I decided to write....I want so badly to just move on...Lord knows I do. And the reason this song is speaking to me right now..is because I truly feel that battle between mind and heart...I think I'm just acknowledging it for the first time. My mental self is soooo over this shit. I know for a fact that I don't want this relationship back. My emotional self, however, is on some whole other shit. She's trippin.....She's the one who WILL NOT let go completely....and I feel like crying out for help, but I just...can't. I feel like if it's so easy to mentally get over something, why shouldn't I be able to do it emotionally as well?? I don't sit around thinking "Oh my gosh, I miss him...I wish we were back together"....I sit around thinking about how I want him to hurt...and suffer...and wonder. Because that's what I was left to do. I guess this is what happens when you don't have closure?
It's been over 4 months. I haven't removed one picture from the frames in my living room....I haven't deleted him from FB...Haven't deleted our pics from FB...which people are STILL commenting on (smh)... I haven't gotten rid of the box full of letters, pictures, artwork, movie stubs, and other random shit I save....I just can't let go. Why??
And I know that at some point I need to do these things...and people still come to my apartment, and see the pictures on the wall & shelf, and give me this sideways look...but they don't say anything. It's almost like if I get rid of all these things, it'll be too permanent....and I feel like I need to do them in my own time. Then I sit back and think...for him, it's already permanent! I was ALWAYS in his corner...even if he was on some stupid shit that I didn't agree with. I'd state my objection, but still offer my support. I was a dope ass girlfriend. Loyal to a fault. For years! Even after all I did...all I put into 'Us', he's moved on and never looked back. Not once. So why can't I?
I thought I was past this point.
Current Musical Mood. ♥
"When we were together, you told me what you didn't like, then you went out and found exactly the type....
She can't hold you like I can....boy, you're a fool if you can't realize what you had....
She can't feel you like I can...'cause I'm a girl who's always standing by my man...."
--Destiny's Child; "She Can't Love You"; The Writing's On the Wall. ♥
Inspired By CY ♥
I've been catching up on some of you guys' blogs...and as always, they inspire new posts from me!
As I was popped in on my boo Cristine's latest post, this portion jumped out at me (literally and emotionally lol):
"I'm happy. I'm content in my space, and I'm content being in my space by myself..."
This is eXACTLY how I feel right now, at this point in my life. I couldn't have said it better.
It's funny, because I was just trying to explain this to a co-worker earlier, when we got on the subject of breakups. People expect me to be in a way worse headspace than I'm in, and some don't truly believe me when I tell them that I Am Fine. Yes, I have my moments, but my overall mood and psyche are not wrapped up in any other human being. I think this is what helped me get to this point so quickly....I can say, honestly and wholeheartedly, that I'm happy being single right now. If given the opportunity, I don't know if I would rekindle anything with CB. I know some like to throw out that "Never Say Never" shit...but truthfully? I'm NOTHING if not proud...and my pride was severely hurt. I don't think we'd be able to move past this. And that's not to sound bitter.... I wish him a speedy recovery, and all the success in the world. But I know in my heart of hearts that what we had is gone. And I'm still here! Still fabulous. Still dope. Still whippin' my hurr....ALL that! Lol! Because like Cristine says... #WeDoesThis!!! ♥
As I was popped in on my boo Cristine's latest post, this portion jumped out at me (literally and emotionally lol):
"I'm happy. I'm content in my space, and I'm content being in my space by myself..."
This is eXACTLY how I feel right now, at this point in my life. I couldn't have said it better.
It's funny, because I was just trying to explain this to a co-worker earlier, when we got on the subject of breakups. People expect me to be in a way worse headspace than I'm in, and some don't truly believe me when I tell them that I Am Fine. Yes, I have my moments, but my overall mood and psyche are not wrapped up in any other human being. I think this is what helped me get to this point so quickly....I can say, honestly and wholeheartedly, that I'm happy being single right now. If given the opportunity, I don't know if I would rekindle anything with CB. I know some like to throw out that "Never Say Never" shit...but truthfully? I'm NOTHING if not proud...and my pride was severely hurt. I don't think we'd be able to move past this. And that's not to sound bitter.... I wish him a speedy recovery, and all the success in the world. But I know in my heart of hearts that what we had is gone. And I'm still here! Still fabulous. Still dope. Still whippin' my hurr....ALL that! Lol! Because like Cristine says... #WeDoesThis!!! ♥
Ramblings...
Catch-up time....
OK, so there's been a shitload of things going on since I last blogged. I've gotten a couple irate texts & FB messages about my lack of posting lately (side-eye)...lol so I guess I'll get off my ass and write something.
Well...actually, I'm sitting on my ass, with my laptop...but you get the picture.
Work has been going pretty well...I took a much-needed mini vacation a couple weeks ago. Nothing fancy...I just went home to Cleveland. But I hadn't been home, or had any time off from work period, since December when I graduated...so the break was welcomed. I just needed to get away for a hot second. I came back and immediately had some miserable cold/sinus infection hybrid....but now I'm feeling better lol!
Relationships
Yeah...about that. Lol.
So by now I'm sure you all know the whole breakup story....and that CB and I haven't spoken since, to this day. Well a couple weeks ago, his mom informed me that he passed out, and ended up having to have a brain surgery...like, on his brain and shit....yeah. It kinda threw me for a loop, because his mom has kept in touch with me since the breakup, but we don't really talk about him. Ever. So when she told me this, I'm like "wait, What?"
He's ok, by the way. Surgery went fine without complications. He's going through physical therapy, to help him walk again...but geez. And of course my mind was all in overdrive...I initially knew something was wrong because I kept seeing FB posts about "pray for him" and all that...but I was hesitant to ask his mom, because...well, I felt like it just wasn't my place, you know? But I was kinda bullied into asking by a few friends and co-workers, who all agreed that yes, if you spent all those years with someone, it's okay to ask about possibly life-threatening events. So I asked...and I was told. It shook me up...but I was just glad that things weren't worse than they could have been. I still haven't spoken to him (and probably won't)...and I'm ok with this. I sent my well-wishes, and I've heard that his girlfriend his been by his side every step of the way. Good for him.
Moving on...there's this guy... -__-
Lol. But it's not really a "thing". Just a thing...you know? But I kinda like him. I might share more later....We'll see where it goes. And even if it doesn't go anywhere far...for right now, it's a thing that makes me happy ;-) and that's much-needed.
Also, I think I'm getting to that point in life where I'm noticing that EVERYONE around me is all settling down and whatnot. I have 3 best friends... One is married, with a son. One just had a daughter, and has been with her man for over 4 years (they met shortly after CB and I started dating)...and my other best friend is off and on with her guy for over 2 years. They're kinda messy, but they're working on it. And it's crazy, because I've always been on that end of the spectrum. The "coupled up" end....so now I'm just sitting back...getting used to life on the opposite end. I'll be 23 next month...and I feel like I still have this teenage mindset when it comes to dating because...well, I've always been in a relationship. I'm open to starting over, though. That's the thing I was most afraid of at first...but there's nowhere to go but forward. It's summer, though. I've heard that no one wants girlfriends this time of year, anyway lol. So I've got time to get my life together! Haha! Wish me luck!
OK, so there's been a shitload of things going on since I last blogged. I've gotten a couple irate texts & FB messages about my lack of posting lately (side-eye)...lol so I guess I'll get off my ass and write something.
Well...actually, I'm sitting on my ass, with my laptop...but you get the picture.
Work has been going pretty well...I took a much-needed mini vacation a couple weeks ago. Nothing fancy...I just went home to Cleveland. But I hadn't been home, or had any time off from work period, since December when I graduated...so the break was welcomed. I just needed to get away for a hot second. I came back and immediately had some miserable cold/sinus infection hybrid....but now I'm feeling better lol!
Relationships
Yeah...about that. Lol.
So by now I'm sure you all know the whole breakup story....and that CB and I haven't spoken since, to this day. Well a couple weeks ago, his mom informed me that he passed out, and ended up having to have a brain surgery...like, on his brain and shit....yeah. It kinda threw me for a loop, because his mom has kept in touch with me since the breakup, but we don't really talk about him. Ever. So when she told me this, I'm like "wait, What?"
He's ok, by the way. Surgery went fine without complications. He's going through physical therapy, to help him walk again...but geez. And of course my mind was all in overdrive...I initially knew something was wrong because I kept seeing FB posts about "pray for him" and all that...but I was hesitant to ask his mom, because...well, I felt like it just wasn't my place, you know? But I was kinda bullied into asking by a few friends and co-workers, who all agreed that yes, if you spent all those years with someone, it's okay to ask about possibly life-threatening events. So I asked...and I was told. It shook me up...but I was just glad that things weren't worse than they could have been. I still haven't spoken to him (and probably won't)...and I'm ok with this. I sent my well-wishes, and I've heard that his girlfriend his been by his side every step of the way. Good for him.
Moving on...there's this guy... -__-
Lol. But it's not really a "thing". Just a thing...you know? But I kinda like him. I might share more later....We'll see where it goes. And even if it doesn't go anywhere far...for right now, it's a thing that makes me happy ;-) and that's much-needed.
Also, I think I'm getting to that point in life where I'm noticing that EVERYONE around me is all settling down and whatnot. I have 3 best friends... One is married, with a son. One just had a daughter, and has been with her man for over 4 years (they met shortly after CB and I started dating)...and my other best friend is off and on with her guy for over 2 years. They're kinda messy, but they're working on it. And it's crazy, because I've always been on that end of the spectrum. The "coupled up" end....so now I'm just sitting back...getting used to life on the opposite end. I'll be 23 next month...and I feel like I still have this teenage mindset when it comes to dating because...well, I've always been in a relationship. I'm open to starting over, though. That's the thing I was most afraid of at first...but there's nowhere to go but forward. It's summer, though. I've heard that no one wants girlfriends this time of year, anyway lol. So I've got time to get my life together! Haha! Wish me luck!
Sooooo
I know I've been pretty neglectful...
But I just HAD to tell y'all about how I just had a moment....lol.
And anyone who remotely knows me, knows that Raheem DeVaughn is my favorite artist....Ever. Yes....Ever. IDGAF about legends and old school or any of that shit..... He's the best in my eyes.
Well anyway, he followed me on Twitter today...May 17, 2011...at 10:13pm.
And I pretty much had a slight heart attack. Complete with hyperventilation and all that shit. ♥
But I just HAD to tell y'all about how I just had a moment....lol.
And anyone who remotely knows me, knows that Raheem DeVaughn is my favorite artist....Ever. Yes....Ever. IDGAF about legends and old school or any of that shit..... He's the best in my eyes.
Well anyway, he followed me on Twitter today...May 17, 2011...at 10:13pm.
And I pretty much had a slight heart attack. Complete with hyperventilation and all that shit. ♥
Broken.
For every good day I have,
....there are nights like this.
Nights when I'm just wide awake...with thoughts racing through my head about things that I just can't let go.
No matter how hard I try, or how much time goes by....my mind just keeps racing.
I'd love to let go, completely, and just....Be.
The problem is that I let him in soooo deeply, that being just doesn't feel like being anymore. I'm just on the surface...going through the motions of everyday life, because the truth is, I don't enjoy anything anymore. I wish I could just snap my fingers and rid myself of all the memories. The promises. The dreams. The touches. The kisses..... But alas, they're still here...invading every breath I take, to the point where it literally hurts to breathe. Panic attack?
I haven't felt this way in awhile.
I was slowly re-building the wall that he demolished,
Because I can't go on feeling this way.
At least not in public.
I'm a woman.
We're supposed to be strong.
Fearless.
But I feel like a weak, scared child.
How is it so easy for you to walk away?
From the past...from the future.
I just don't understand.
I'm one of those people who's pretty good at seeing things from another's perspective....
But this.....?
I just can't grasp the concept of turning one's life upside down in the blink of an eye, and just leaving.
I can't look at a picture,
a wall,
a stuffed animal,
a letter...without remembering what was, and mourning what could have been....
I can't look in the mirror without wondering what was so wrong with me,
That you decided to simply leave.
I feel like a fragment.
I'm just.....
Broken.
....there are nights like this.
Nights when I'm just wide awake...with thoughts racing through my head about things that I just can't let go.
No matter how hard I try, or how much time goes by....my mind just keeps racing.
I'd love to let go, completely, and just....Be.
The problem is that I let him in soooo deeply, that being just doesn't feel like being anymore. I'm just on the surface...going through the motions of everyday life, because the truth is, I don't enjoy anything anymore. I wish I could just snap my fingers and rid myself of all the memories. The promises. The dreams. The touches. The kisses..... But alas, they're still here...invading every breath I take, to the point where it literally hurts to breathe. Panic attack?
I haven't felt this way in awhile.
I was slowly re-building the wall that he demolished,
Because I can't go on feeling this way.
At least not in public.
I'm a woman.
We're supposed to be strong.
Fearless.
But I feel like a weak, scared child.
How is it so easy for you to walk away?
From the past...from the future.
I just don't understand.
I'm one of those people who's pretty good at seeing things from another's perspective....
But this.....?
I just can't grasp the concept of turning one's life upside down in the blink of an eye, and just leaving.
I can't look at a picture,
a wall,
a stuffed animal,
a letter...without remembering what was, and mourning what could have been....
I can't look in the mirror without wondering what was so wrong with me,
That you decided to simply leave.
I feel like a fragment.
I'm just.....
Broken.
Far Away....
"Tear stains on my pillow,
Trying to forget YOU,
Don't know what I'm gonna do....
Four days and countin',
I've been laying here staring myself in the mirror all alone in my room.
I can't feel this way again...
Gotta think with my head,
'Cause my heart is what got me here..."
"I was by your side when we were meant to be; I guess it doesn't matter now that you're so Far Away..."
--Ms. Marsha Ambrosius. ♥
Trying to forget YOU,
Don't know what I'm gonna do....
Four days and countin',
I've been laying here staring myself in the mirror all alone in my room.
I can't feel this way again...
Gotta think with my head,
'Cause my heart is what got me here..."
"I was by your side when we were meant to be; I guess it doesn't matter now that you're so Far Away..."
--Ms. Marsha Ambrosius. ♥
Hey!
Thanks for those who commented, emailed, FB'd, & texted me after reading that one post...
I don't really have much to say about it at this point, other than the fact that I'm fine! Lol... Contrary to what it felt like this time a month ago, losing him was NOT the end of the world.
Currently? I've set my sights on something I think I like hehehe...so I'm trying to get out of this shy thing that I have going on (yes, I'm extremely shy) and grab hold of it! I'll keep you posted lol...
Other than that, I've just been getting back to my naturally fabulous self! It's amazing what good friends and impartial advice can do for one's psyche.
What y'all been up to?
I don't really have much to say about it at this point, other than the fact that I'm fine! Lol... Contrary to what it felt like this time a month ago, losing him was NOT the end of the world.
Currently? I've set my sights on something I think I like hehehe...so I'm trying to get out of this shy thing that I have going on (yes, I'm extremely shy) and grab hold of it! I'll keep you posted lol...
Other than that, I've just been getting back to my naturally fabulous self! It's amazing what good friends and impartial advice can do for one's psyche.
What y'all been up to?
No Holds Barred...
"I can't believe that it's over, baby....
But every bruise on my heart, you gave me."
--Ashanti {Over}.
I know I've been M.I.A. (again)...but it's not in vain. I promise.
I've been debating how much I wanted to share on here, for various reasons. Mainly, the situation I wrote about in my last post took some time for me to adjust to, and it's rather embarrassing for a Leo like myself...I'm not used to losing, failing, etc. But I was reminded by fellow bloggers, friends, and family members that there's strength in telling one's story. Writing has always been my only true form of release. When I write, I imagine myself sitting in the mirror telling the story to myself...In it's own strange, kooky way, it gives me clarity...
So I'll start from the beginning, for those who don't know me in "real life", those who do know me but never knew the whole story, those who only know bits & pieces, etc.
When I was in high school...I met CB. I was involved with someone else at the time, so we became friends. He lived a couple states away, but we talked and wrote each other a LOT. After a few months, we became best friends. It took us both awhile to admit it (and by awhile, I mean like a year or so)...but obviously we became more than just friends. In 2006, a month into my freshman year of undergrad (he was still a senior in high school), I realized that I was in toooooo deep. But so was he. And at that moment, everything I ever saw for my future shifted. It all included him. A couple months later, we made it official.
The next year, he went off to college. I'd say we held on pretty tough for awhile. His freshman year was a lot different than mine. He's an athlete, he went Greek, etc. Of course the distance has always been a factor, but at the time we had goals that included one another, so we made it work. Better than most are capable of making things work even in close proximity...Graduation seemed to be the light at the end of our romantic tunnel..
Fast forward to 2010...
The phone calls became fewer and farther between. In my heart of hearts, I knew that something was wrong, but of course I didn't want to admit it...or even speak it into existence. But I'm a woman. And we know.... Yes, men. We always know. What we choose to DO in response to that knowledge depends on the person. And personally, I wanted so badly to believe that this was the same person I'd fallen in love with back in high school...the person who wrote me poetry and 11-page letters, and wrote my name surrounded by hearts in the corners of the pages. But in retrospect, that smitten boy had grown into a slightly older BOY. A boy whom I don't recognize, or care to know at this point.
When I wrote my last post, I was in a completely different headspace than the one I'm in right now. I'd just found out that CB had began seeing someone else. Obviously, right? Lol. But at the time, I was in such a cycle of emotion, and I couldn't fathom leaving the comfort zone that had been built during my relationship with him. I was willing to listen, to understand, to try to reconcile....and ultimately, to settle (which is a realization that I recently came to). I thought that my world as I knew it wouldn't, and couldn't survive the loss of the person I thought belonged in my fairy-tale ending. So I did what a lot of women do. I reached out. I remained calm. I asked the questions I wanted answers to. I avoided those that I didn't want to know the answers to. Never realizing that I was simply dragging out the inevitable...because when someone's got one foot out of the door, there usually isn't much chance of getting them to come back in. Anywho...none of it mattered. Because my efforts weren't even responded to. Literally. Like I said, writing is my release....so I went back to the basics. I wrote a letter. A very personal, very transparent letter. I didn't want there to be any mistaking my stance on the matter at hand...or my desired solution. The letter laid everything I felt (at the time) completely on the table...and I'm not good at the whole vulnerability thing...but again, I trusted that I was putting these emotions into the proper hands. Clearly I was mistaken. My letter was sent in mid-February. The last conversation before I sent that letter....is the last communication of any sort that I had with him. No response. No return-to-sender. Nothing. And that's how 4+ years of my love life ended.
THEN, although I'd kept my mind from even dwelling on the elephant in the room (The Other Woman), a few days ago that little voice in my head spoke again...and I decided to do a little investigating. Lol... I don't trust anyone's information but my own these days, so I needed to find out first hand. When I did...I almost died. Laughing...... no, seriously...I laughed for a good 10 minutes when I saw who this chick was. I've never met her. Right now, I'm contemplating posting the pic of her that I posted on my FB wall when I found out (yes, I posted her pic. #ruthless)...just because I feel that you, as my loyal readers & cyber-friends deserve to laugh as wholeheartedly as I did that day. Yes, I think I'll post the pic.
And, by no means do I think cheating is all about aesthetics....Obviously there's something about this girl that was worth CB sacrificing his relationship with me. What that something is, I'll probably never know. It doesn't even matter...because the fact that that there IS a "something" is enough for me to realize it's time to let it go. I don't mean to boast, but damn if I don't brag...I mean, I really feel like he and I could have had it all. You'll never meet a person more loyal than me. I'm educated, raised well, take-home-to-mama type, well-mannered, well-dressed, gorgeous. Lady-in-the-streets.... lol... all that good stuff. So what is it that this girl gave him? Who knows.
The thing that hurts me the most is not the fact that I was cheated on by someone who I put the utmost trust into....I know this doesn't seem major to some people, and that chicks get cheated on erryday. Marriages end over infidelity...blah blah blah. But this is a first for me, and I've handled it the best way that I knew how. The thing that hurt me the most is the way that this situation was handled from his end. I won't go into detail about the letter I sent him, but just know that the bond I've had with this person since high school was so strong that I was willing to give up what we had, and be friends...that's how it all began anyway, right? I know people say "I want him/her to be happy even if it's not with me", but I sincerely meant that. I still mean it, after everything. So for me to open myself up to him, after ALL that I'd been put through...and receive no response? No acknowledgment that I'd poured my soul out in the form of ink from a ball-point pen? That's what hurts.
I keep asking myself how we ended up here... I don't have an answer, but every day that I sit back and think of what could have been (both good AND bad), I'm thankful. I don't have to see the face of betrayal everyday. I guess the long-distance thing was a gift and a curse. I didn't make the life changes that I had every intention of making (moving out to where he attends school, and possibly entering a graduate program there). I can't even imagine what I'd be feeling had I altered my entire life for someone who has no place for me in theirs. But again...I'm thankful. What's next for me? I'm not sure. I feel really "new" in the whole love scene. I've been with the same person virtually my entire adulthood thus far (from age 18 to 22), and so I feel like I have to go back and develop all the things that single, unattached people are supposed to develop lol... but I'm taking things a day at a time. I don't wish him any harm... I don't want to become bitter, but I do feel myself building a wall around my heart. To some, it may seem naive for me to have honestly expected forever with him...but I did. And it's rough starting all over. Involuntarily, I'd etched CB into my identity...so my first order of business is to continue on the path of success that I know has been paved for me. Hopefully he's on his own path. I don't know, for certain, that our paths will intertwine again. And for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling okay with that. ♥
PS: Here's that pic I promised y'all..... Lol.
CB, some random kid, and CB's new chick.
But every bruise on my heart, you gave me."
--Ashanti {Over}.
I know I've been M.I.A. (again)...but it's not in vain. I promise.
I've been debating how much I wanted to share on here, for various reasons. Mainly, the situation I wrote about in my last post took some time for me to adjust to, and it's rather embarrassing for a Leo like myself...I'm not used to losing, failing, etc. But I was reminded by fellow bloggers, friends, and family members that there's strength in telling one's story. Writing has always been my only true form of release. When I write, I imagine myself sitting in the mirror telling the story to myself...In it's own strange, kooky way, it gives me clarity...
So I'll start from the beginning, for those who don't know me in "real life", those who do know me but never knew the whole story, those who only know bits & pieces, etc.
When I was in high school...I met CB. I was involved with someone else at the time, so we became friends. He lived a couple states away, but we talked and wrote each other a LOT. After a few months, we became best friends. It took us both awhile to admit it (and by awhile, I mean like a year or so)...but obviously we became more than just friends. In 2006, a month into my freshman year of undergrad (he was still a senior in high school), I realized that I was in toooooo deep. But so was he. And at that moment, everything I ever saw for my future shifted. It all included him. A couple months later, we made it official.
The next year, he went off to college. I'd say we held on pretty tough for awhile. His freshman year was a lot different than mine. He's an athlete, he went Greek, etc. Of course the distance has always been a factor, but at the time we had goals that included one another, so we made it work. Better than most are capable of making things work even in close proximity...Graduation seemed to be the light at the end of our romantic tunnel..
Fast forward to 2010...
The phone calls became fewer and farther between. In my heart of hearts, I knew that something was wrong, but of course I didn't want to admit it...or even speak it into existence. But I'm a woman. And we know.... Yes, men. We always know. What we choose to DO in response to that knowledge depends on the person. And personally, I wanted so badly to believe that this was the same person I'd fallen in love with back in high school...the person who wrote me poetry and 11-page letters, and wrote my name surrounded by hearts in the corners of the pages. But in retrospect, that smitten boy had grown into a slightly older BOY. A boy whom I don't recognize, or care to know at this point.
When I wrote my last post, I was in a completely different headspace than the one I'm in right now. I'd just found out that CB had began seeing someone else. Obviously, right? Lol. But at the time, I was in such a cycle of emotion, and I couldn't fathom leaving the comfort zone that had been built during my relationship with him. I was willing to listen, to understand, to try to reconcile....and ultimately, to settle (which is a realization that I recently came to). I thought that my world as I knew it wouldn't, and couldn't survive the loss of the person I thought belonged in my fairy-tale ending. So I did what a lot of women do. I reached out. I remained calm. I asked the questions I wanted answers to. I avoided those that I didn't want to know the answers to. Never realizing that I was simply dragging out the inevitable...because when someone's got one foot out of the door, there usually isn't much chance of getting them to come back in. Anywho...none of it mattered. Because my efforts weren't even responded to. Literally. Like I said, writing is my release....so I went back to the basics. I wrote a letter. A very personal, very transparent letter. I didn't want there to be any mistaking my stance on the matter at hand...or my desired solution. The letter laid everything I felt (at the time) completely on the table...and I'm not good at the whole vulnerability thing...but again, I trusted that I was putting these emotions into the proper hands. Clearly I was mistaken. My letter was sent in mid-February. The last conversation before I sent that letter....is the last communication of any sort that I had with him. No response. No return-to-sender. Nothing. And that's how 4+ years of my love life ended.
THEN, although I'd kept my mind from even dwelling on the elephant in the room (The Other Woman), a few days ago that little voice in my head spoke again...and I decided to do a little investigating. Lol... I don't trust anyone's information but my own these days, so I needed to find out first hand. When I did...I almost died. Laughing...... no, seriously...I laughed for a good 10 minutes when I saw who this chick was. I've never met her. Right now, I'm contemplating posting the pic of her that I posted on my FB wall when I found out (yes, I posted her pic. #ruthless)...just because I feel that you, as my loyal readers & cyber-friends deserve to laugh as wholeheartedly as I did that day. Yes, I think I'll post the pic.
And, by no means do I think cheating is all about aesthetics....Obviously there's something about this girl that was worth CB sacrificing his relationship with me. What that something is, I'll probably never know. It doesn't even matter...because the fact that that there IS a "something" is enough for me to realize it's time to let it go. I don't mean to boast, but damn if I don't brag...I mean, I really feel like he and I could have had it all. You'll never meet a person more loyal than me. I'm educated, raised well, take-home-to-mama type, well-mannered, well-dressed, gorgeous. Lady-in-the-streets.... lol... all that good stuff. So what is it that this girl gave him? Who knows.
The thing that hurts me the most is not the fact that I was cheated on by someone who I put the utmost trust into....I know this doesn't seem major to some people, and that chicks get cheated on erryday. Marriages end over infidelity...blah blah blah. But this is a first for me, and I've handled it the best way that I knew how. The thing that hurt me the most is the way that this situation was handled from his end. I won't go into detail about the letter I sent him, but just know that the bond I've had with this person since high school was so strong that I was willing to give up what we had, and be friends...that's how it all began anyway, right? I know people say "I want him/her to be happy even if it's not with me", but I sincerely meant that. I still mean it, after everything. So for me to open myself up to him, after ALL that I'd been put through...and receive no response? No acknowledgment that I'd poured my soul out in the form of ink from a ball-point pen? That's what hurts.
I keep asking myself how we ended up here... I don't have an answer, but every day that I sit back and think of what could have been (both good AND bad), I'm thankful. I don't have to see the face of betrayal everyday. I guess the long-distance thing was a gift and a curse. I didn't make the life changes that I had every intention of making (moving out to where he attends school, and possibly entering a graduate program there). I can't even imagine what I'd be feeling had I altered my entire life for someone who has no place for me in theirs. But again...I'm thankful. What's next for me? I'm not sure. I feel really "new" in the whole love scene. I've been with the same person virtually my entire adulthood thus far (from age 18 to 22), and so I feel like I have to go back and develop all the things that single, unattached people are supposed to develop lol... but I'm taking things a day at a time. I don't wish him any harm... I don't want to become bitter, but I do feel myself building a wall around my heart. To some, it may seem naive for me to have honestly expected forever with him...but I did. And it's rough starting all over. Involuntarily, I'd etched CB into my identity...so my first order of business is to continue on the path of success that I know has been paved for me. Hopefully he's on his own path. I don't know, for certain, that our paths will intertwine again. And for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling okay with that. ♥
PS: Here's that pic I promised y'all..... Lol.
CB, some random kid, and CB's new chick.
Untitled. (Again). ♥
So I know I said I was gonna start back blogging, so here I am….
Things went from pretty much amazing to horribly sad all in the blink of an eye, and I don’t know any other form of release, except to write. It’s about to get really personal.
SN: I’m thinking about making my blog private, only because I don’t want misinformed people misinterpreting the things I say on here… I have enough REAL drama of my own, I don’t need anyone else’s imaginary drama. But anywho…
What I’m feeling right now can only be described as a toxic mixture of sadness, betrayal, disappointment, curiosity, fear, embarrassment, and just…loss. It’s kinda cliché, but I feel like a part of me has been taken away…like ripped out of me…and I feel like no one cares. It’s kinda crazy how you put your all into something, and expect it to turn out a certain way… you see the beauty, the potential, and the purity of it, and think that it’s solid…that nothing can ruin it, because it’s sacred…it’s real…it’s yours. Then you get this rude awakening, and nothing makes sense anymore.
There’s so much I have on my mind…so many feelings, so many questions…but I can’t bring myself to talk to a lot of people… I haven’t even sorted everything out in my own mind yet, so I can’t really relay my feelings to anyone else. Maybe writing this will help. I may not even post it, but I’ll just keep typing until I get it all out of me…and then see how I feel.
I love my best friends, but I can’t tell them what’s going on… why? Because the way I’m feeling and the way they’d react are NOT conducive to the outcome I’m hoping for…. I’ll backtrack for a second, and admit willingly that I don’t want it to be over… I don’t hate him. I can’t bring myself to… and believe me, I’ve tried. We have yet to speak since this whole thing came to light…So I don’t know any details of the situation…and until I can bring myself to hear his voice and get these answers, I don’t think I’ll ever truly know what to do. I guess that’s what people mean when they refer to Closure…..
But that being said, I haven’t bothered to tell too many people about the situation, because to explain it to them would mean I’d have to hear their reactions and I don’t even know what I want to do about the situation…so I don’t need any outside advice. I just need support in whatever steps I decide to take… the situation may not seem too delicate…but it’s delicate to me. I’ve never gone through this before, and I honestly never saw it coming. Not to be naïve and say I never believed it COULD happen…I just had so much genuine love and trust in this person, that I never thought it WOULD happen… does that make sense at all? IDK…. But anyway… In case any of you read this and wonder why I haven’t told you…please don’t think I’m excluding you or blocking you out in any way… I just need to keep my head as clear as possible for the moment…
It’s funny because my intentions were to attempt a reconciliation (again…smh) with a former friend, and instead I found two people who I can’t help but to care about…lying to me. So now I feel like the stupid one, and THAT’S the part that I can’t deal with… the fact that this is going on behind my back, from the person I’ve given my all to for over 4 years, and a person who clearly either hates me (or is completely indifferent towards me, which is worse than hate in my opinion) knew… I mean, the fact that she and I aren’t friends anymore means that I don’t expect anything along the lines of consideration and loyalty from her…I understand her not wanting anything to do with me, or the situation, because of what she THINKS I did to her….and that’s completely fine. The animosity is completely one-sided, because of a situation that was never addressed and/or resolved. And I can accept that as a loss. But understanding doesn’t lessen the pain. So here I am… intending to reconcile one relationship, and losing another… and all I can think about is how nothing will ever be the same….
I have much healing to do. The little advice/support I have received has been from unlikely sources, but I appreciate it nonetheless. Especially those who are on the outside looking in, and are more objective. Overall, the consensus has been that I need to plainly let him know how I’m feeling, and get the answers I need in order to move on, with or without him in my corner. I need to realize that I did nothing wrong, and that if this is meant to happen, it will. I never thought I’d be the girl capable of forgiving something like this, but in all honesty, I think I can…. And I mean truly forgive. Because I don’t consider the love I have for him some superficial, artificial, just-saying-it-because-it-sounds-pretty type of love. I put my soul into this relationship. Even before it WAS a relationship. And I don’t love him any less today than I did in September 2006 when I first admitted how I felt about him. If that makes me look/sound foolish, then so be it… If nothing else, I’ve learned (while being submerged in my thoughts these last couple days) that I can’t base my actions off of what other people are going to think of them… No one knows a relationship like the two people who are involved. Everyone else is just an outsider, getting bits and pieces of a huge picture. Am I ready to speak to him yet? I don‘t know. I don’t think I can even hear his voice yet, without breaking down. But hopefully that will change. Do I forgive him? I don’t know. I don’t even have all the information necessary to know whether I’m going left, right, up, or down…but I’m willing to forgive. The only thing I’m absolutely positively sure about…is that I love him. And even if I never speak to him again, that won’t change.
Things went from pretty much amazing to horribly sad all in the blink of an eye, and I don’t know any other form of release, except to write. It’s about to get really personal.
SN: I’m thinking about making my blog private, only because I don’t want misinformed people misinterpreting the things I say on here… I have enough REAL drama of my own, I don’t need anyone else’s imaginary drama. But anywho…
What I’m feeling right now can only be described as a toxic mixture of sadness, betrayal, disappointment, curiosity, fear, embarrassment, and just…loss. It’s kinda cliché, but I feel like a part of me has been taken away…like ripped out of me…and I feel like no one cares. It’s kinda crazy how you put your all into something, and expect it to turn out a certain way… you see the beauty, the potential, and the purity of it, and think that it’s solid…that nothing can ruin it, because it’s sacred…it’s real…it’s yours. Then you get this rude awakening, and nothing makes sense anymore.
There’s so much I have on my mind…so many feelings, so many questions…but I can’t bring myself to talk to a lot of people… I haven’t even sorted everything out in my own mind yet, so I can’t really relay my feelings to anyone else. Maybe writing this will help. I may not even post it, but I’ll just keep typing until I get it all out of me…and then see how I feel.
I love my best friends, but I can’t tell them what’s going on… why? Because the way I’m feeling and the way they’d react are NOT conducive to the outcome I’m hoping for…. I’ll backtrack for a second, and admit willingly that I don’t want it to be over… I don’t hate him. I can’t bring myself to… and believe me, I’ve tried. We have yet to speak since this whole thing came to light…So I don’t know any details of the situation…and until I can bring myself to hear his voice and get these answers, I don’t think I’ll ever truly know what to do. I guess that’s what people mean when they refer to Closure…..
But that being said, I haven’t bothered to tell too many people about the situation, because to explain it to them would mean I’d have to hear their reactions and I don’t even know what I want to do about the situation…so I don’t need any outside advice. I just need support in whatever steps I decide to take… the situation may not seem too delicate…but it’s delicate to me. I’ve never gone through this before, and I honestly never saw it coming. Not to be naïve and say I never believed it COULD happen…I just had so much genuine love and trust in this person, that I never thought it WOULD happen… does that make sense at all? IDK…. But anyway… In case any of you read this and wonder why I haven’t told you…please don’t think I’m excluding you or blocking you out in any way… I just need to keep my head as clear as possible for the moment…
It’s funny because my intentions were to attempt a reconciliation (again…smh) with a former friend, and instead I found two people who I can’t help but to care about…lying to me. So now I feel like the stupid one, and THAT’S the part that I can’t deal with… the fact that this is going on behind my back, from the person I’ve given my all to for over 4 years, and a person who clearly either hates me (or is completely indifferent towards me, which is worse than hate in my opinion) knew… I mean, the fact that she and I aren’t friends anymore means that I don’t expect anything along the lines of consideration and loyalty from her…I understand her not wanting anything to do with me, or the situation, because of what she THINKS I did to her….and that’s completely fine. The animosity is completely one-sided, because of a situation that was never addressed and/or resolved. And I can accept that as a loss. But understanding doesn’t lessen the pain. So here I am… intending to reconcile one relationship, and losing another… and all I can think about is how nothing will ever be the same….
I have much healing to do. The little advice/support I have received has been from unlikely sources, but I appreciate it nonetheless. Especially those who are on the outside looking in, and are more objective. Overall, the consensus has been that I need to plainly let him know how I’m feeling, and get the answers I need in order to move on, with or without him in my corner. I need to realize that I did nothing wrong, and that if this is meant to happen, it will. I never thought I’d be the girl capable of forgiving something like this, but in all honesty, I think I can…. And I mean truly forgive. Because I don’t consider the love I have for him some superficial, artificial, just-saying-it-because-it-sounds-pretty type of love. I put my soul into this relationship. Even before it WAS a relationship. And I don’t love him any less today than I did in September 2006 when I first admitted how I felt about him. If that makes me look/sound foolish, then so be it… If nothing else, I’ve learned (while being submerged in my thoughts these last couple days) that I can’t base my actions off of what other people are going to think of them… No one knows a relationship like the two people who are involved. Everyone else is just an outsider, getting bits and pieces of a huge picture. Am I ready to speak to him yet? I don‘t know. I don’t think I can even hear his voice yet, without breaking down. But hopefully that will change. Do I forgive him? I don’t know. I don’t even have all the information necessary to know whether I’m going left, right, up, or down…but I’m willing to forgive. The only thing I’m absolutely positively sure about…is that I love him. And even if I never speak to him again, that won’t change.
*Enters Room Quietly...*
Heeyyyy y'all...
I know I've been a horribly bad blogger lately...lol... but you know how life just gets busy, and then procrastination kicks in, and then blogger's block, and then other shit? Yeah.... that happened....
But hopefully I can figure out some type of way to fit this into my schedule!! It seems like I had a lot less headaches when I blogged on the regular.... sigh.
Anyway, I'm so excited to catch up on you guys' blogs, and catch you up on what's been going on in my lil' corner of the world! Usually when I don't blog, I at leastlurk keep up with your posts, but I feel bad when I read your stuff and don't have anything to write on my own lol so I kinda just avoided the whole thing! SMH.... I know, I know... *hangs head in shame*
So...it's pretty much been the usual stress that comes with being 22.... I graduated on December 18th with my first degree *APPLAUSE*...and I've been working full time at the store...but of course my granny is all "blah blah blah, you need to go find a job with your degree and stop foolin' with that store...wah wah wah" and it's irritating because I'm like damn, can I breathe? For like, a second? I just need a little break. Tiny teensy itty bitty. I mean, I finished in 4 years, despite everything that could go wrong, going wrong...I think I deserve a breather....right?
My significant other....is an athlete. 'nuff said. Next.
I think I've become even more antisocial...if that's even possible. I dont like ANYONE lol!!! Like, 99% of the people around me get on my damn nerves, and the other 1% I can only take in small doses.... smh.
But anyway...I'm just coolin... trying to live.
I need some new, dope blogs to follow....
And some new twitter buddies.... Drop me some recommendations!
♥
I know I've been a horribly bad blogger lately...lol... but you know how life just gets busy, and then procrastination kicks in, and then blogger's block, and then other shit? Yeah.... that happened....
But hopefully I can figure out some type of way to fit this into my schedule!! It seems like I had a lot less headaches when I blogged on the regular.... sigh.
Anyway, I'm so excited to catch up on you guys' blogs, and catch you up on what's been going on in my lil' corner of the world! Usually when I don't blog, I at least
So...it's pretty much been the usual stress that comes with being 22.... I graduated on December 18th with my first degree *APPLAUSE*...and I've been working full time at the store...but of course my granny is all "blah blah blah, you need to go find a job with your degree and stop foolin' with that store...wah wah wah" and it's irritating because I'm like damn, can I breathe? For like, a second? I just need a little break. Tiny teensy itty bitty. I mean, I finished in 4 years, despite everything that could go wrong, going wrong...I think I deserve a breather....right?
My significant other....is an athlete. 'nuff said. Next.
I think I've become even more antisocial...if that's even possible. I dont like ANYONE lol!!! Like, 99% of the people around me get on my damn nerves, and the other 1% I can only take in small doses.... smh.
But anyway...I'm just coolin... trying to live.
I need some new, dope blogs to follow....
And some new twitter buddies.... Drop me some recommendations!
♥
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
