"I'll Get to Wherever You Are..."

I went to the movies with Dorkface last month and saw The Best Man Holiday (which I loved, of course) but I was even more in love with the soundtrack!
More specifically, I fell in absolute LOVE with the song "Shelter" by John Legend.

It's such a beautiful song, and it makes me think about the concept of soul mates... I'm still questioning my belief in them. Whether or not they exist. If so, are we only allotted one in a lifetime? 
If you find your soulmate, and then lose them, is it always destined that you'll find your way back to them? 
Is a soulmate always romantic? 
Can a platonic friend be a soulmate?
I have so many questions...
Whatever the answers hold, I do know that this song is something like what I think soulmates signify. Some people are simply drawn together over lifetimes, and there has to be some explanation. Right?

"Look over your shoulder....I'm never too far....I'll get to wherever you are."

12:36 AM

"I do not feel the fear of falling...
I wanna fly.
If it all goes well, then I will...
...but what if I don't?"

I Wanna Get to Know Ya...

I've never been one for resolutions... but for the last few years, I've found myself reflecting during this time of year. Reflecting over the year that's coming to an end... what worked for me, so I can keep it up & improve on it. What didn't work, so I can leave that shit behind.
The latter half of this year has shown me a happiness that I had not seen in quite awhile. I'm 25 now, and I'm beginning to look at some things and how they are situated in the Big Picture that I know as my life. One thing I've noticed is my lack of desire to impress.

I've always been the "goody-goody". This stems from childhood, as I remember always aiming to please. I always wanted to be the good kid, and was rewarded for this quite often via gifts, compliments from teachers, church members, extended family, etc. So of course, I kept it up. This followed me right into adulthood, though, and only recently have I realized that somewhere along the line, my "aim to please" mentality has diminished.

I'm not going to say the mentality is gone completely. When it comes to my work ethic, I definitely still like to put my best foot forward at all times... taking on special tasks, volunteering overtime...these are things I do not only for accolades and bonuses, but because I genuinely enjoy contributing. 

But when it comes to relationships, I've began to see that I've been making a crucial mistake. One that I had to take several steps back to see a little more clearly. I've realized that it's ingrained in me to be what I've always seen as a "good girlfriend". I haven't been in a lot of relationships...I can count them all on one hand. I'm currently single (well...that's a whole 'nother post), so obviously those relationships all ended for one reason or another. But in the end, I've always been left asking myself what I did wrong.

Then it dawned on me... 

I've spent my time trying to be the girl I thought men wanted... instead of being myself. 
There's a part of me that's been reaching out to the surface (a surface which is covered by somewhat inadvertent attempts to be perfect, because who leaves the perfect girlfriend??). In my mind, I've always rationalized this by believing that if I'm everything my man wants and needs, he's going to always stay around. It didn't matter if what he wanted and needed compromised the 'Me' that I wanted to be.

The problem is, after doing this for so long, it becomes difficult to recognize who you are. You're used to playing a role now. So who you're actually meant to BE is pushed aside, while you remain in character. Now this is juxtaposed with me pretty much spending my whole transition into adulthood (age 17 to 21) in a relationship with the same person. I've never had time to sit back and get to know me. Until now. Although I am seeing someone, I'm also becoming committed to learning GiGi. I'm listening to her. I'm treating her to the things she wants. I'm loving up on her the way she should be loved up on, so that she knows what to command when she's ready for another exclusive relationship. 
I'm paying attention to who GiGi is as a person, and getting to know the pretty & not-so-pretty aspects of her personality. I'm genuinely no longer interested in playing a role to impress someone just to get them to stay around. I'm moreso realizing that being true to me, and appreciating those who enjoy being around ME is more rewarding.

So if I were to make any type of resolution, it would be continue this. Why? Because I've realized that self-awareness is essential to developing dope character and shit.

Exhaustion.

I feel like I have to detach myself, before love is snatched away from me. Because inevitably, it always gets snatched away.

Which poses the question: Was something so easily taken, really ever meant for me at all?

With every incident, I feel like I lose a little more of my faith in the L word. It's not completely gone...but it's hanging on by a flimsy thread.

For once, I'd like something that's free. Unwavering. Unconditional. Something that's just for me. 

Something that's permanent.

Something that I don't have to fight for...

Because I'm so tired of fighting.

And I don't have any fight left.

Pieces of Me.

I'm learning.

Which I guess is always a good thing.

But I feel like the pain that accompanies some of life's lessons is too much to bear sometimes.

I'm torn between numbness and excruciating pain...and I don't know which one hurts more.

It's like...I feel like every time I let someone in, when (not if) they leave, they take a piece of me with them...

And I don't think I have that many pieces left.

Acknowledgement.

At this point in my life, I'm craving acknowledgement. It's something that I need, maybe as a meal for my ego. A security blanket. I don't know...I just need it.

Insecurity creeps in when you've been through certain situations that leave you with a feeling of loss, and no closure. I'm in a bad headspace because I feel that this is contradictory to my usual secure, self-sufficient attitude. Then that makes me wonder...is the insecurity something that's REALLY representative of who I am? Is the uber secure, self-sufficient attitude just something I present as a defense mechanism? I feel like looking into myself and not being afraid of self-reflection is very necessary...yet very frightening. But as always, that's what my writing helps me do. I start with a one word focus point, and I just write. I purge. I get out everything that I can, because I love the feeling I get once im done. It's kinda like when you're sick, and throwing up is the ONLY thing that makes you feel better...even though it SUCKS.

 So naturally I've realized that I have a problem with bottling up emotions lol. This post is all over the place. I have no idea where it's going to take me. It's already so long, and I have so much more to purge. I could probably go through and break this down into 7 separate posts, but hey. Whatever. AintNobodyGotTimeFaDat.

But really. I've been thinking about my tendency to bottle up emotions, and I feel that, with many people in my life, I'm afraid to speak certain emotions into existence. Acknowledging this is EXTREMELY difficult, but its a very big step for me. Ultimately, I know that I'll never resolve this if I don't address it full on. As a child, I was raised primarily by my late mother, and her mother. Looking back, I never really had emotion-laced discussions with my mother. There was always a disconnect in that department, and I couldn't understand why. Its the thing that I regret most in life, as I didn't ultimately resolve this before my mom passed away in 2008. So it's something I feel will haunt me for a long time. I mean my mom loved me. She took care of me. Her actions usually assured me that, as her child, I was very valuable to her...but these words were hardly ever spoken. I couldn't tell you the number of times I heard "I love you" from her...Mostly because I can't remember them. I do know that I could probably count them on one hand. I remember attempting to open that door of discussion one day, and being brushed off. I was so sensitive to the perceived rejection that I never tried to step out on that limb again.  It wasn't until I became older that I realized, HER mother (my infamous granny)  is the same way. There's a pattern of stunted emotional growth, and it's weighed heavily on family dynamic. Even though I was raised in the household of maternal family, my father's family is the opposite. Very fun-loving, relaxed, open people. Emotionally available. And I've therefore always been drawn towards them more. It was very confusing as a child to endure those conflicting sets of feelings. As an adult, it hasn't gotten easier...the only difference is that I am now able to delve into those feelings. Comprehend them a little more.

Fast-forward, I feel myself facing the same conflict in my current....thing. I want to call it a relationship. But it isn't. Which is exactly what prompted this round of self-reflection and evaluation.

I feel that...things aren't what I want them to be, and that something is blocking me from speaking up, and making this known. I have brought up the issue to him, jokingly, because well...I'm passive like that apparently. I was shot down, which made me withdraw back from placing that issue on the table. I haven't brought it up since. So I guess the "something" blocking me is fear. 

I'm afraid of being shot down again.

I'm afraid of being vulnerable.

I'm afraid of being left.

I'm afraid of being judged.

I'm afraid of being rejected

I'm afraid to love, because...

I'm afraid of being hurt.

Again.

...I guess acknowledgement really is the first step to recovery.

Opening Pitch.

Happy New Year and shit....

I've never been one for resolutions, but as I get older there are some things that I  would love to start changing about myself. It's pure coincidence that I'm thinking of them today lol.

These are very general things, that I'm recently deciding I want to work on. Gradually, of course. 

1) I want to blog more! I've realized that with microblogging and things like twitter, I stopped actually writing, which is something that has always been so therapeutic for me.

2) I want to speak my mind more.

Better out than in. I've seen first-hand how pent up emotions can manifest into physical pain, stress, etc. Do not want.

3) I want to return to school.

After I earned my Bachelor's, I wanted to take a short break from school, to just...breathe. But I think I've become to complacent, and changes shall be made.

That's it.