Insecurity creeps in when you've been through certain situations that leave you with a feeling of loss, and no closure. I'm in a bad headspace because I feel that this is contradictory to my usual secure, self-sufficient attitude. Then that makes me wonder...is the insecurity something that's REALLY representative of who I am? Is the uber secure, self-sufficient attitude just something I present as a defense mechanism? I feel like looking into myself and not being afraid of self-reflection is very necessary...yet very frightening. But as always, that's what my writing helps me do. I start with a one word focus point, and I just write. I purge. I get out everything that I can, because I love the feeling I get once im done. It's kinda like when you're sick, and throwing up is the ONLY thing that makes you feel better...even though it SUCKS.
So naturally I've realized that I have a problem with bottling up emotions lol. This post is all over the place. I have no idea where it's going to take me. It's already so long, and I have so much more to purge. I could probably go through and break this down into 7 separate posts, but hey. Whatever. AintNobodyGotTimeFaDat.
But really. I've been thinking about my tendency to bottle up emotions, and I feel that, with many people in my life, I'm afraid to speak certain emotions into existence. Acknowledging this is EXTREMELY difficult, but its a very big step for me. Ultimately, I know that I'll never resolve this if I don't address it full on. As a child, I was raised primarily by my late mother, and her mother. Looking back, I never really had emotion-laced discussions with my mother. There was always a disconnect in that department, and I couldn't understand why. Its the thing that I regret most in life, as I didn't ultimately resolve this before my mom passed away in 2008. So it's something I feel will haunt me for a long time. I mean my mom loved me. She took care of me. Her actions usually assured me that, as her child, I was very valuable to her...but these words were hardly ever spoken. I couldn't tell you the number of times I heard "I love you" from her...Mostly because I can't remember them. I do know that I could probably count them on one hand. I remember attempting to open that door of discussion one day, and being brushed off. I was so sensitive to the perceived rejection that I never tried to step out on that limb again. It wasn't until I became older that I realized, HER mother (my infamous granny) is the same way. There's a pattern of stunted emotional growth, and it's weighed heavily on family dynamic. Even though I was raised in the household of maternal family, my father's family is the opposite. Very fun-loving, relaxed, open people. Emotionally available. And I've therefore always been drawn towards them more. It was very confusing as a child to endure those conflicting sets of feelings. As an adult, it hasn't gotten easier...the only difference is that I am now able to delve into those feelings. Comprehend them a little more.
Fast-forward, I feel myself facing the same conflict in my current....thing. I want to call it a relationship. But it isn't. Which is exactly what prompted this round of self-reflection and evaluation.
I feel that...things aren't what I want them to be, and that something is blocking me from speaking up, and making this known. I have brought up the issue to him, jokingly, because well...I'm passive like that apparently. I was shot down, which made me withdraw back from placing that issue on the table. I haven't brought it up since. So I guess the "something" blocking me is fear.
I'm afraid of being shot down again.
I'm afraid of being vulnerable.
I'm afraid of being left.
I'm afraid of being judged.
I'm afraid of being rejected
I'm afraid to love, because...
I'm afraid of being hurt.
Again.
...I guess acknowledgement really is the first step to recovery.
