But every bruise on my heart, you gave me."
--Ashanti {Over}.
I know I've been M.I.A. (again)...but it's not in vain. I promise.
I've been debating how much I wanted to share on here, for various reasons. Mainly, the situation I wrote about in my last post took some time for me to adjust to, and it's rather embarrassing for a Leo like myself...I'm not used to losing, failing, etc. But I was reminded by fellow bloggers, friends, and family members that there's strength in telling one's story. Writing has always been my only true form of release. When I write, I imagine myself sitting in the mirror telling the story to myself...In it's own strange, kooky way, it gives me clarity...
So I'll start from the beginning, for those who don't know me in "real life", those who do know me but never knew the whole story, those who only know bits & pieces, etc.
When I was in high school...I met CB. I was involved with someone else at the time, so we became friends. He lived a couple states away, but we talked and wrote each other a LOT. After a few months, we became best friends. It took us both awhile to admit it (and by awhile, I mean like a year or so)...but obviously we became more than just friends. In 2006, a month into my freshman year of undergrad (he was still a senior in high school), I realized that I was in toooooo deep. But so was he. And at that moment, everything I ever saw for my future shifted. It all included him. A couple months later, we made it official.
The next year, he went off to college. I'd say we held on pretty tough for awhile. His freshman year was a lot different than mine. He's an athlete, he went Greek, etc. Of course the distance has always been a factor, but at the time we had goals that included one another, so we made it work. Better than most are capable of making things work even in close proximity...Graduation seemed to be the light at the end of our romantic tunnel..
Fast forward to 2010...
The phone calls became fewer and farther between. In my heart of hearts, I knew that something was wrong, but of course I didn't want to admit it...or even speak it into existence. But I'm a woman. And we know.... Yes, men. We always know. What we choose to DO in response to that knowledge depends on the person. And personally, I wanted so badly to believe that this was the same person I'd fallen in love with back in high school...the person who wrote me poetry and 11-page letters, and wrote my name surrounded by hearts in the corners of the pages. But in retrospect, that smitten boy had grown into a slightly older BOY. A boy whom I don't recognize, or care to know at this point.
When I wrote my last post, I was in a completely different headspace than the one I'm in right now. I'd just found out that CB had began seeing someone else. Obviously, right? Lol. But at the time, I was in such a cycle of emotion, and I couldn't fathom leaving the comfort zone that had been built during my relationship with him. I was willing to listen, to understand, to try to reconcile....and ultimately, to settle (which is a realization that I recently came to). I thought that my world as I knew it wouldn't, and couldn't survive the loss of the person I thought belonged in my fairy-tale ending. So I did what a lot of women do. I reached out. I remained calm. I asked the questions I wanted answers to. I avoided those that I didn't want to know the answers to. Never realizing that I was simply dragging out the inevitable...because when someone's got one foot out of the door, there usually isn't much chance of getting them to come back in. Anywho...none of it mattered. Because my efforts weren't even responded to. Literally. Like I said, writing is my release....so I went back to the basics. I wrote a letter. A very personal, very transparent letter. I didn't want there to be any mistaking my stance on the matter at hand...or my desired solution. The letter laid everything I felt (at the time) completely on the table...and I'm not good at the whole vulnerability thing...but again, I trusted that I was putting these emotions into the proper hands. Clearly I was mistaken. My letter was sent in mid-February. The last conversation before I sent that letter....is the last communication of any sort that I had with him. No response. No return-to-sender. Nothing. And that's how 4+ years of my love life ended.
THEN, although I'd kept my mind from even dwelling on the elephant in the room (The Other Woman), a few days ago that little voice in my head spoke again...and I decided to do a little investigating. Lol... I don't trust anyone's information but my own these days, so I needed to find out first hand. When I did...I almost died. Laughing...... no, seriously...I laughed for a good 10 minutes when I saw who this chick was. I've never met her. Right now, I'm contemplating posting the pic of her that I posted on my FB wall when I found out (yes, I posted her pic. #ruthless)...just because I feel that you, as my loyal readers & cyber-friends deserve to laugh as wholeheartedly as I did that day. Yes, I think I'll post the pic.
And, by no means do I think cheating is all about aesthetics....Obviously there's something about this girl that was worth CB sacrificing his relationship with me. What that something is, I'll probably never know. It doesn't even matter...because the fact that that there IS a "something" is enough for me to realize it's time to let it go. I don't mean to boast, but damn if I don't brag...I mean, I really feel like he and I could have had it all. You'll never meet a person more loyal than me. I'm educated, raised well, take-home-to-mama type, well-mannered, well-dressed, gorgeous. Lady-in-the-streets.... lol... all that good stuff. So what is it that this girl gave him? Who knows.
The thing that hurts me the most is not the fact that I was cheated on by someone who I put the utmost trust into....I know this doesn't seem major to some people, and that chicks get cheated on erryday. Marriages end over infidelity...blah blah blah. But this is a first for me, and I've handled it the best way that I knew how. The thing that hurt me the most is the way that this situation was handled from his end. I won't go into detail about the letter I sent him, but just know that the bond I've had with this person since high school was so strong that I was willing to give up what we had, and be friends...that's how it all began anyway, right? I know people say "I want him/her to be happy even if it's not with me", but I sincerely meant that. I still mean it, after everything. So for me to open myself up to him, after ALL that I'd been put through...and receive no response? No acknowledgment that I'd poured my soul out in the form of ink from a ball-point pen? That's what hurts.
I keep asking myself how we ended up here... I don't have an answer, but every day that I sit back and think of what could have been (both good AND bad), I'm thankful. I don't have to see the face of betrayal everyday. I guess the long-distance thing was a gift and a curse. I didn't make the life changes that I had every intention of making (moving out to where he attends school, and possibly entering a graduate program there). I can't even imagine what I'd be feeling had I altered my entire life for someone who has no place for me in theirs. But again...I'm thankful. What's next for me? I'm not sure. I feel really "new" in the whole love scene. I've been with the same person virtually my entire adulthood thus far (from age 18 to 22), and so I feel like I have to go back and develop all the things that single, unattached people are supposed to develop lol... but I'm taking things a day at a time. I don't wish him any harm... I don't want to become bitter, but I do feel myself building a wall around my heart. To some, it may seem naive for me to have honestly expected forever with him...but I did. And it's rough starting all over. Involuntarily, I'd etched CB into my identity...so my first order of business is to continue on the path of success that I know has been paved for me. Hopefully he's on his own path. I don't know, for certain, that our paths will intertwine again. And for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling okay with that. ♥
PS: Here's that pic I promised y'all..... Lol.
CB, some random kid, and CB's new chick.
