"I can't believe that it's over, baby....
But every bruise on my heart, you gave me."
--Ashanti {Over}.
I know I've been M.I.A. (again)...but it's not in vain. I promise.
I've been debating how much I wanted to share on here, for various reasons. Mainly, the situation I wrote about in my last post took some time for me to adjust to, and it's rather embarrassing for a Leo like myself...I'm not used to losing, failing, etc. But I was reminded by fellow bloggers, friends, and family members that there's strength in telling one's story. Writing has always been my only true form of release. When I write, I imagine myself sitting in the mirror telling the story to myself...In it's own strange, kooky way, it gives me clarity...
So I'll start from the beginning, for those who don't know me in "real life", those who do know me but never knew the whole story, those who only know bits & pieces, etc.
When I was in high school...I met CB. I was involved with someone else at the time, so we became friends. He lived a couple states away, but we talked and wrote each other a LOT. After a few months, we became best friends. It took us both awhile to admit it (and by awhile, I mean like a year or so)...but obviously we became more than just friends. In 2006, a month into my freshman year of undergrad (he was still a senior in high school), I realized that I was in toooooo deep. But so was he. And at that moment, everything I ever saw for my future shifted. It all included him. A couple months later, we made it official.
The next year, he went off to college. I'd say we held on pretty tough for awhile. His freshman year was a lot different than mine. He's an athlete, he went Greek, etc. Of course the distance has always been a factor, but at the time we had goals that included one another, so we made it work. Better than most are capable of making things work even in close proximity...Graduation seemed to be the light at the end of our romantic tunnel..
Fast forward to 2010...
The phone calls became fewer and farther between. In my heart of hearts, I knew that something was wrong, but of course I didn't want to admit it...or even speak it into existence. But I'm a woman. And we know.... Yes, men. We always know. What we choose to DO in response to that knowledge depends on the person. And personally, I wanted so badly to believe that this was the same person I'd fallen in love with back in high school...the person who wrote me poetry and 11-page letters, and wrote my name surrounded by hearts in the corners of the pages. But in retrospect, that smitten boy had grown into a slightly older BOY. A boy whom I don't recognize, or care to know at this point.
When I wrote my last post, I was in a completely different headspace than the one I'm in right now. I'd just found out that CB had began seeing someone else. Obviously, right? Lol. But at the time, I was in such a cycle of emotion, and I couldn't fathom leaving the comfort zone that had been built during my relationship with him. I was willing to listen, to understand, to try to reconcile....and ultimately, to settle (which is a realization that I recently came to). I thought that my world as I knew it wouldn't, and couldn't survive the loss of the person I thought belonged in my fairy-tale ending. So I did what a lot of women do. I reached out. I remained calm. I asked the questions I wanted answers to. I avoided those that I didn't want to know the answers to. Never realizing that I was simply dragging out the inevitable...because when someone's got one foot out of the door, there usually isn't much chance of getting them to come back in. Anywho...none of it mattered. Because my efforts weren't even responded to. Literally. Like I said, writing is my release....so I went back to the basics. I wrote a letter. A very personal, very transparent letter. I didn't want there to be any mistaking my stance on the matter at hand...or my desired solution. The letter laid everything I felt (at the time) completely on the table...and I'm not good at the whole vulnerability thing...but again, I trusted that I was putting these emotions into the proper hands. Clearly I was mistaken. My letter was sent in mid-February. The last conversation before I sent that letter....is the last communication of any sort that I had with him. No response. No return-to-sender. Nothing. And that's how 4+ years of my love life ended.
THEN, although I'd kept my mind from even dwelling on the elephant in the room (The Other Woman), a few days ago that little voice in my head spoke again...and I decided to do a little investigating. Lol... I don't trust anyone's information but my own these days, so I needed to find out first hand. When I did...I almost died. Laughing...... no, seriously...I laughed for a good 10 minutes when I saw who this chick was. I've never met her. Right now, I'm contemplating posting the pic of her that I posted on my FB wall when I found out (yes, I posted her pic. #ruthless)...just because I feel that you, as my loyal readers & cyber-friends deserve to laugh as wholeheartedly as I did that day. Yes, I think I'll post the pic.
And, by no means do I think cheating is all about aesthetics....Obviously there's something about this girl that was worth CB sacrificing his relationship with me. What that something is, I'll probably never know. It doesn't even matter...because the fact that that there IS a "something" is enough for me to realize it's time to let it go. I don't mean to boast, but damn if I don't brag...I mean, I really feel like he and I could have had it all. You'll never meet a person more loyal than me. I'm educated, raised well, take-home-to-mama type, well-mannered, well-dressed, gorgeous. Lady-in-the-streets.... lol... all that good stuff. So what is it that this girl gave him? Who knows.
The thing that hurts me the most is not the fact that I was cheated on by someone who I put the utmost trust into....I know this doesn't seem major to some people, and that chicks get cheated on erryday. Marriages end over infidelity...blah blah blah. But this is a first for me, and I've handled it the best way that I knew how. The thing that hurt me the most is the way that this situation was handled from his end. I won't go into detail about the letter I sent him, but just know that the bond I've had with this person since high school was so strong that I was willing to give up what we had, and be friends...that's how it all began anyway, right? I know people say "I want him/her to be happy even if it's not with me", but I sincerely meant that. I still mean it, after everything. So for me to open myself up to him, after ALL that I'd been put through...and receive no response? No acknowledgment that I'd poured my soul out in the form of ink from a ball-point pen? That's what hurts.
I keep asking myself how we ended up here... I don't have an answer, but every day that I sit back and think of what could have been (both good AND bad), I'm thankful. I don't have to see the face of betrayal everyday. I guess the long-distance thing was a gift and a curse. I didn't make the life changes that I had every intention of making (moving out to where he attends school, and possibly entering a graduate program there). I can't even imagine what I'd be feeling had I altered my entire life for someone who has no place for me in theirs. But again...I'm thankful. What's next for me? I'm not sure. I feel really "new" in the whole love scene. I've been with the same person virtually my entire adulthood thus far (from age 18 to 22), and so I feel like I have to go back and develop all the things that single, unattached people are supposed to develop lol... but I'm taking things a day at a time. I don't wish him any harm... I don't want to become bitter, but I do feel myself building a wall around my heart. To some, it may seem naive for me to have honestly expected forever with him...but I did. And it's rough starting all over. Involuntarily, I'd etched CB into my identity...so my first order of business is to continue on the path of success that I know has been paved for me. Hopefully he's on his own path. I don't know, for certain, that our paths will intertwine again. And for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling okay with that. ♥
PS: Here's that pic I promised y'all..... Lol.
CB, some random kid, and CB's new chick.
As much as I hate it, I look at things {and people} very stereotypically. A lot. I've been working on it, especially since I'm so conscious of it at this age....the problem is, I see so many people perpetuating these stereotypes that it makes it difficult for me to look at people any other way. Ever since I started my blog, I've had people who know me personally, ask me why I spend so much time blogging and reading other blogs. I don't know too many other people {in "real life"} who blog; I know some people who couldn't tell you what a blog is, believe it or not. The troubling thing is, most of these people are Black. It made me wonder, am I the weird one...or are there just an abundance of Black people behind on the times? A lot of the people I know would rather be sitting around watching BET, or chasing some chick/dude who could give a rats ass about them...or any number of things that, to sum it up, are a waste of time. So it makes me happy when I visit blogs of people all over the world who share their views and perspectives on so many relevant and eye-opening {or hilarious and random} different things. Especially Black people. For a second, I really thought Black people didn't blog...{yes, a second}.
I love blogging because not only is it an outlet {I rant and rave about random things all the time, and I can appreciate that some people don't want to hear that ish}, but I enjoy reading other perspectives, looking at others' blog setups and creativity, hearing music I may not have heard before, etc. Following blogs, and having people follow yours, is like having a group of people outside your immediate circle who share your views, or at least share the desire and willingness to look at things and come up with a valid opinion of them. I think it's amazing that so many people sign up for FBs and Twitter, and things of that allow you to condense thoughts into a tiny box all day long...but wouldn't give blogging a chance. I update my status as much as the next person, but I don't like condensing my thoughts. Why be limited by a predetermined amount of characters? Why not expand, and express? Even when I post a status, that box will never be big enough to hold all the things that could be on my mind at any given point in time...
x0x0♥
Hey guys!
Sorry I've been away, but I'm back! Hopefully I'll be back on track with my blogging!
It's Monday, and it's finals week. I'm wrapping up what has been my best semester in awhile! I'm seriously thinking I'll have my 4.0 this time. I've already aced 3 out of 5 finals (and their respective classes), and I have 2 papers I'm waiting on grades for (which I'm pretty sure are A's too) so I'm hoping for the best!
In other news...while I was away, I became single!
For like a day. Lol. A little miscommunication (actually more like a lack of communication) led to issues where my S.O. felt there was a lot of negative stuff going on that he couldn't talk to me about it...so he simply didn't talk to me. For a number of days. At the time I was going OFF...like WTF, really dude? I declared myself single (I made it FB official and EVERYTHING, but he doesn't even check his FB anymore so it was pretty pointless and went unnoticed lol) even though I knew in my heart that I was still 'In a Relationship' lol. But we worked it out, talked it out, and now we're all patched up. Sometimes we get too comfortable as a couple, and perhaps we forget about the friendship thing we once had where we could vent to each other about anything under the sun... and these things happen. *shrug*
Hmmm what else... I cut some ties I should have cut a LONG time ago. It feels good. I feel free. I don't need people in or around my life who are serving no purpose. I'm not crippled; I don't need anyone as a crutch. On the same token, I don't want to be anyone else's crutch, either. You know that little cliche about seasonal friends/acquaintances? Yeah... some people have been in my life long past their season. Expiration date was up a long time ago, and it's not that I just realized this...it's that I'm just now taking the initiative to actually do something about it. So I'm in a good place right now... I'm about to finish jammin' to this Wale {The Mixtape About Nothing} and eating my ice cream {yes, it's 11:30 at night but so what. I've had a long day lol}
x0x0♥
What a week I had...glad that another one is coming up. Fresh.
Last week I was in thee gloomiest of moods, and once again thanks to all of you who gave words of encouragement on my last post. I really do appreciate it! The day didn't go so bad. I kept busy, and I tried not to let my mind wander to any dark, sad places!
I completely forgot about an exam I had due on Friday in my online Clinical PSY class {the danger of online courses} so I spent literally the entire day studying. It paid off, though. Got a 94. Could've been better, but it's only the first exam.
Things are looking up at work. I still want another job, though. But for the time being, I'm fine. I don't remember if I told you guys (and I'm too lazy to look) but I had an issue with the management in my store because they acted like they didn't want me taking my spring break week off to visit my boyfriend in Iowa. I haven't seen him since he was here for my birthday back in late July/early August. Soooo I had a pissy attitude. Which is NOT pretty. But everything is fine now. Didn't get my week off, but it doesn't matter because I'm going the weekend after next. Excited. YaY! We really need this Q-time. Long distance is stressful... I'm considering going out there for grad school...which is a whole 'nother post. We'll see...
Speaking of the sig. other, I spent like a half hour earlier deleting like EVERYONE from my face.book page. Like a LOT of people. Only 54 people made the cut. That includes my family (blood or otherwise), my man, my best friends, and some friends that I couldn't bear to delete. Everyone else was just taking up space. I was on a rampage... Apparently one or more of my boyfriend's friends/schoolmates/teammates/whoever felt the need to run and report to him every time I do anything on FB. Doesn't matter that I'm not doing anything inappropriate at all...all I do is change my status, comment on other statuses, and talk to my BFF who lives out there in Iowa... ((Oh yeah, y'all remember this post? Well a couple months ago she called me out of the blue, and long story short, we're back to being friends again.)) But anyway, yeah so this FB thing blew me away because basically my boyfriend never gets on there, and I guess whatever someone told him made him jealous, even though he wouldn't admit it. So long story short, has anyone ever seen that episode of The Game where Melanie chops her hair off as a way of cutting off her feelings, and I guess making a fresh start? Well thats kinda what I did with the FB friends list. I feel better, too. I deleted ALL his friends. IDK who the so-called snitch is {even though 'snitch' implies that I did something wrong} but now it doesn't matter because none of them can see my page. I deleted all the other people because...well I don't talk to them anyway. And I could honestly care less about their lives. It's mostly old schoolmates. Who I didn't even talk to when we were in school together lmao. Good Riddance!
x0x0♥
On facebook, I recently added a girl who went to church with me years ago. She's about 15 or 16 I think (couldn't tell exactly because you know the young'ns don't put their birth year on their profiles). Anyway, yesterday she changed her relationship status from 'In a Relationship' to 'Engaged' to her lil' boyfriend.
At first I was irritated, as I am everytime I see someone overestimating their relationship status on there. No ring? No proposal? No wedding date? You're not engaged. No marriage license? You aren't married. Simple as that. No commitment? You aren't even in a relationship. But I digress...
Then I started thinking about the boyfriend I had during high school. We were together for my entire sophomore and junior year of high school. We were basically one of those "forever" looking couples. Clearly two years is a looonnnngggg time in high school. If I had a facebook back then, I'd have probably been one of the girls with 'Engaged to __________' on her profile lol.
We broke up after a series of unfortunate events during the summer before senior year. He ended up dropping out, becoming a weedhead I think, and...yeah. Last I heard, he'd knocked a chick up and he, said chick, and their offspring were living in his mama's house.
It's crazy, because of course no one could tell me at the time that this guy wasn't gonna be my man FOREVER lol. I don't doubt that I loved him or anything like that. I don't regret the relationship. It taught me a lot. Good and bad. It's just crazy to me how life works out. My mom abhorred this dude. I mean she couldn't STAND him! Somehow moms just know. Even though I didn't think it was fair of her to judge him, everything she predicted came to pass. Our demise. His demise. All that.
How often do we end up marrying our first loves? I don't know many people, especially of my generation, who have become lasting high school sweethearts. To me, that's stuff from storybooks and movies. I'd love to meet a couple like that, who's living it. Happily. None of that 'oh, we were high school sweethearts then she got pregnant so our parents made us get married and now we can't stand each other' ish. Like real, legit, long-lasting first loves.
It's crazy because I've never referred to this guy as my first love until right now, in this post. I always say 'my high school boyfriend' because he was the only relationship I had during high school. It was that serious, lol. Now I can't even say his name. I used to dwell on the memories back then. Now they're tucked away in some secure part of my LTM (long-term memory) and believe me, they aren't retrieved too often. Actually, ever. Until people who knew us as an 'Us' bring the relationship up. To this day, people from my alma mater STILL ask me about him. Five years after the fact. I haven't spoken to him since then. There was no backtracking, none of that. I'm good at the whole severing ties thing. Especially when I'm hurt. Still though, funny how life happens.
Yep, that's some mid-day depth for y'all lol...
x0x0♥
So I was FB status stalking the other day, and I came across this girl's FB status that mentioned how she hates when females let men put them through so much BS in relationships, and still try to act like everything is all perfect. This made me stop and SMH, only because this girl is the EPITOME of letting men run over her. She adds her two cents to everyone else's relationship (including mine), yet anything you say about her hot mess relationship(s) is wrong, and rude, and not called for.
What's with all this fake ish? What happened to relationships that were real, and meaningful to the people involved? I look around and it seems like so many people are hung up on presenting this picture-perfect image of what a relationship should be, that they're completely dismissing the dysfunctional actuality of the relationships they're in. I honestly try not pry in friends' relationships. I make comments when input or opinions are asked of me, but other than that I steer clear. I learned the hard way, because when my bf and I became a couple, I was that girl who always told her friends about everything pertaining to our relationship, and at times I'd dismiss my gut instincts because of the opinion of someone outside my relationship. At some point you realize that your relationship with your significant other should be just that... between you and your significant other. Just be together. Do what makes you happy as a couple. Hold each other down. If things progress and your relationship is successful, that's amazing. If it doesn't, get out and move on. But don't stay in a situation you know is unhealthy just because you don't want people to feel a certain way about YOUR relationship. Outside opinions can seriously cloud our judgement and make us see things that aren't there, or ignore things that are there. Sometimes I just want to shake people and tell them, "You deserve better". But the fact is, if people don't believe this then telling them until I'm blue in the face is not going to matter.
x0x0♥
to former crushes who get upset with you because
1) you won't add them on Facebook,
2) you politely decline their advances (made via Facebook messages), and
3) they realize after being completely out of your life for 5 years....that you could have been the best thing that ever happened to them.
Sucka. {but part of me is smiling inside lol}
x0x0♥
You know what grinds my gears?
When a girl makes status updates on Facebook about how this n*gga said such-and-such to me, and was trying to get with me, and blah blah blah, talking about how disrespectful dudes are when they approach her. Then 2 days later, the same female is updating her status talking about how old dude is taking her to the movies later that night.
What?
First of all, if a man {term used loosely} approaches you and the first thing he comments on is your ass or other womanly parts, he’s probably not going to display too many manners in future interactions. Plus, that's probably his way of letting you know that's all he's interested in. I mean, he’s probably THINKING “Man, she got a phat ass…” but voicing it as a pick-up line shouldn’t be the desired approach. HowEVER, if that is the approach you want from a guy, stop frontin’ and making statuses about it as if you’re so offended! You knew when the words left his trifling mouth whether or not you were gonna let him hit that give him your number. So what you acting mad for? Clearly if he was out-of-pocket when he approached you, but now you’re going out with him, he didn’t offend you too much.
x0x0♥
It is very strange to me that all I do on Facebook is change my status, and read everyone else’s status (well, except those that I ‘hide’ because they always contain some insane level if ign’ance).
This is only strange to me, because I tried Twitter, which in essence is like changing your FB status all day long lol…and I didn’t like it. Twitter did absolutely nothing for me. I could care less about what celebs are doing throughout the day, they’re not my personal friends lol. And my personal friends/acquaintances who have Twitter have synchronized FB and Twitter status updates. What’s the point of both when you’re going to put the same thing on them? Lol. That’s like twice the work! Lol.
x0x0♥
