It's physically exhausting to constantly put 100% into things, only to receive 50% in return.
I'm not really a "go through the motions" type of girl. When I'm in, I'm all in.
So when it comes to the love thing, I'm usually left in a state of bafflement.
I'd like to think that I'm pretty low-maintenance.
Time.
Effort.
Attention (as needed).
Space (as needed).
Affection.
These are the things that mean the most to me. The things that should be natural and fluid and pure. Everything else is just... stuff. Good stuff, bad stuff. But it's just stuff.
Sometimes it feels like we're so disconnected from the essentials that we're perfectly okay with diminishing love into this accumulation of stuff. Material things. Superficial things. We want to make it look pretty for others, and sound pretty when we tell our friends all about it... but how many of us are really letting ourselves FEEL? Most people won't ever know the pure peace and serenity that comes from letting one's heart open up, to allow a person to set up residence. Many people don't even have the capacity to do so... But once you've felt an all-consuming love, anything less just feels... pointless.
So I wait.
Showing posts with label Love and Ish. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love and Ish. Show all posts
Everything Must Go.
The world is huge.
Literally... like, it's ridiculously large.
And with that vast amount of space comes an insane number of inhabitants.
It's so easy to feel like you're just a speck on a canvas called life...mostly because, well...you are.
But that doesn't stop me from feeling like the brilliant, vibrant speck that I am. If there's nothing else I've picked up and carried with me through my life so far, it's the fact that we only get one shot here. And depending on your particular beliefs, you may feel that you'll continue after this life (as I do), but you're never going to get another chance to be who you are in this particular time and place.
So why not make the most of it?
Yes, life has it's issues. We've got bills, and debts, and dependents, and ailments, and work stress, and family stress, and relationship stress, and everything else imaginable.
But these things are only temporary.
I refuse to let them hinder the way I float through life. Things that are tangible serve precise purposes during our stay on this earth...but the intangibles?? That's what I'm here for.
I'm here for the love that surrounds me... it's more powerful and consuming than any hate, negativity, and animosity could ever be.
I'm here for the music...because there is indeed a song for EVERY occasion.
I'm here for the laughter...because I'm a dork and I truly believe that laughter is good for the soul.
I'm here for all the things that we can't take with us.
Because ultimately,
Everything must go.
Literally... like, it's ridiculously large.
And with that vast amount of space comes an insane number of inhabitants.
It's so easy to feel like you're just a speck on a canvas called life...mostly because, well...you are.
But that doesn't stop me from feeling like the brilliant, vibrant speck that I am. If there's nothing else I've picked up and carried with me through my life so far, it's the fact that we only get one shot here. And depending on your particular beliefs, you may feel that you'll continue after this life (as I do), but you're never going to get another chance to be who you are in this particular time and place.
So why not make the most of it?
Yes, life has it's issues. We've got bills, and debts, and dependents, and ailments, and work stress, and family stress, and relationship stress, and everything else imaginable.
But these things are only temporary.
I refuse to let them hinder the way I float through life. Things that are tangible serve precise purposes during our stay on this earth...but the intangibles?? That's what I'm here for.
I'm here for the love that surrounds me... it's more powerful and consuming than any hate, negativity, and animosity could ever be.
I'm here for the music...because there is indeed a song for EVERY occasion.
I'm here for the laughter...because I'm a dork and I truly believe that laughter is good for the soul.
I'm here for all the things that we can't take with us.
Because ultimately,
Everything must go.
Blurred Lines
I don't believe that interracial dating should still be as hot of a topic as it is...
I mean... any relationship that's formed and built on sincere love is already winning. Skin is skin. Race is race. Why do we sit and look at the outer packaging on people's relationships, and have the audacity to dive in head first with assumptions? I'm a firm believer in the fact that love transcends all the superficial boundaries that we try to impose on it. We look at an interracial couple and immediately see two separate pieces... instead of the single unit that they represent. Why?
I will admit, there is one thing I take issue with. That's the men/women who not only decide to date outside their race, but who then commence to tell you how they do it because people within their race {enter generalized insult here}.
And we've all heard it before. Most notably for me?
Black man: "I date White women because Black women are too bossy/loud/ghetto/nagging/etc."
THAT's that shit I don't like.
I'm all for finding happiness with the person you fall in love with, build a foundation with, and choose to pursue a life with. We owe it to ourselves to do JUST that. But there's no need to put down an entire group of people because of the quality of men/women YOU'VE previously been exposed to.
I think this issue in itself is completely independent from the issue some people have with interracial dating. We like to mesh them together, but we fail to realize that our previous experiences have no bearing on the next person's relationship. What you've been through isn't always what the next person is going to go through.
Exhaustion.
I feel like I have to detach myself, before love is snatched away from me. Because inevitably, it always gets snatched away.
Which poses the question: Was something so easily taken, really ever meant for me at all?
With every incident, I feel like I lose a little more of my faith in the L word. It's not completely gone...but it's hanging on by a flimsy thread.
For once, I'd like something that's free. Unwavering. Unconditional. Something that's just for me.
Something that's permanent.
Something that I don't have to fight for...
Because I'm so tired of fighting.
And I don't have any fight left.
Acknowledgement.
At this point in my life, I'm craving acknowledgement. It's something that I need, maybe as a meal for my ego. A security blanket. I don't know...I just need it.
Insecurity creeps in when you've been through certain situations that leave you with a feeling of loss, and no closure. I'm in a bad headspace because I feel that this is contradictory to my usual secure, self-sufficient attitude. Then that makes me wonder...is the insecurity something that's REALLY representative of who I am? Is the uber secure, self-sufficient attitude just something I present as a defense mechanism? I feel like looking into myself and not being afraid of self-reflection is very necessary...yet very frightening. But as always, that's what my writing helps me do. I start with a one word focus point, and I just write. I purge. I get out everything that I can, because I love the feeling I get once im done. It's kinda like when you're sick, and throwing up is the ONLY thing that makes you feel better...even though it SUCKS.
So naturally I've realized that I have a problem with bottling up emotions lol. This post is all over the place. I have no idea where it's going to take me. It's already so long, and I have so much more to purge. I could probably go through and break this down into 7 separate posts, but hey. Whatever. AintNobodyGotTimeFaDat.
But really. I've been thinking about my tendency to bottle up emotions, and I feel that, with many people in my life, I'm afraid to speak certain emotions into existence. Acknowledging this is EXTREMELY difficult, but its a very big step for me. Ultimately, I know that I'll never resolve this if I don't address it full on. As a child, I was raised primarily by my late mother, and her mother. Looking back, I never really had emotion-laced discussions with my mother. There was always a disconnect in that department, and I couldn't understand why. Its the thing that I regret most in life, as I didn't ultimately resolve this before my mom passed away in 2008. So it's something I feel will haunt me for a long time. I mean my mom loved me. She took care of me. Her actions usually assured me that, as her child, I was very valuable to her...but these words were hardly ever spoken. I couldn't tell you the number of times I heard "I love you" from her...Mostly because I can't remember them. I do know that I could probably count them on one hand. I remember attempting to open that door of discussion one day, and being brushed off. I was so sensitive to the perceived rejection that I never tried to step out on that limb again. It wasn't until I became older that I realized, HER mother (my infamous granny) is the same way. There's a pattern of stunted emotional growth, and it's weighed heavily on family dynamic. Even though I was raised in the household of maternal family, my father's family is the opposite. Very fun-loving, relaxed, open people. Emotionally available. And I've therefore always been drawn towards them more. It was very confusing as a child to endure those conflicting sets of feelings. As an adult, it hasn't gotten easier...the only difference is that I am now able to delve into those feelings. Comprehend them a little more.
Fast-forward, I feel myself facing the same conflict in my current....thing. I want to call it a relationship. But it isn't. Which is exactly what prompted this round of self-reflection and evaluation.
I feel that...things aren't what I want them to be, and that something is blocking me from speaking up, and making this known. I have brought up the issue to him, jokingly, because well...I'm passive like that apparently. I was shot down, which made me withdraw back from placing that issue on the table. I haven't brought it up since. So I guess the "something" blocking me is fear.
I'm afraid of being shot down again.
I'm afraid of being vulnerable.
I'm afraid of being left.
I'm afraid of being judged.
I'm afraid of being rejected
I'm afraid to love, because...
I'm afraid of being hurt.
Again.
...I guess acknowledgement really is the first step to recovery.
Love is____________
craved.
pure.
spiritual.
heartwarming.
spine-chilling.
strengthening.
terrifying.
divine.
effortless.
unconditional.
innate.
forgiving.
pain.
bliss.
stingy.
selfless.
supernatural.
necessary.
beyond all these words.
you.
me.
Us.
What the Fuck Am I Doing?
True Life: I'm a Serial Monogamist.
I read somewhere that a man knows when you're someone he wants to be with, vs someone he wants to play around with. And that he acts/treats you accordingly. Sort of like how women know immediately upon meeting a guy whether or not they'd let him hit. Mmm hmm. Lol.
And these things make perfect sense to me. But I feel like...idk. Ive been struggling with the realization that I'm a serial monogamist. I don't ever really have guys that I just "talk to" or whatever, I'm either in a relationship with someone, or I'm completely single.
Until now.
I'm trying to do the whole "talking" thing...and I don't feel like its for me. It's fun and all, but I feel like I need more. In the back of my mind it gives me this lingering question of "What am I missing?"...What is it about me that isn't good enough?
Call me crazy, naive, insecure, or whatever. I'm a work in progress. But I like titles. I like exclusivity. I like acknowledgment of the fact that I'm the only woman who makes you feel warm tingly fuzzy shit when you think of her. Not having those things is a slight struggle for me, mainly because I'm so used to having them. I've always been "claimed", lol and that's kinda all I know when it comes to relations & relationships. It's a necessary contrast to my usual, though. So I told myself I would just let things develop and see how they progress. That's probably going to be a lot harder than it sounds....but easy gets boring.
Call me crazy, naive, insecure, or whatever. I'm a work in progress. But I like titles. I like exclusivity. I like acknowledgment of the fact that I'm the only woman who makes you feel warm tingly fuzzy shit when you think of her. Not having those things is a slight struggle for me, mainly because I'm so used to having them. I've always been "claimed", lol and that's kinda all I know when it comes to relations & relationships. It's a necessary contrast to my usual, though. So I told myself I would just let things develop and see how they progress. That's probably going to be a lot harder than it sounds....but easy gets boring.
Relapse? ♥
For the past couple hours, I've had Erykah Badu's "Green Eyes" on repeat....It's always been one of my favorites, but for some reason, when it came up in my shuffle earlier, I just felt the need to turn repeat on. For anyone who's ever listened to it, the song is composed of 3 movements. Denial, Relapse, and Acceptance..... The Relapse movement is speaking to my soul right now....seriously...Especially these first few lines:
Out of nowhere, I just had some type of mid-twenties crisis, and I felt like screaming...and throwing shit...and breaking shit...and just....spazzing the fuck out, for lack of a better verb! But I can't do that....so I decided to write....I want so badly to just move on...Lord knows I do. And the reason this song is speaking to me right now..is because I truly feel that battle between mind and heart...I think I'm just acknowledging it for the first time. My mental self is soooo over this shit. I know for a fact that I don't want this relationship back. My emotional self, however, is on some whole other shit. She's trippin.....She's the one who WILL NOT let go completely....and I feel like crying out for help, but I just...can't. I feel like if it's so easy to mentally get over something, why shouldn't I be able to do it emotionally as well?? I don't sit around thinking "Oh my gosh, I miss him...I wish we were back together"....I sit around thinking about how I want him to hurt...and suffer...and wonder. Because that's what I was left to do. I guess this is what happens when you don't have closure?
It's been over 4 months. I haven't removed one picture from the frames in my living room....I haven't deleted him from FB...Haven't deleted our pics from FB...which people are STILL commenting on (smh)... I haven't gotten rid of the box full of letters, pictures, artwork, movie stubs, and other random shit I save....I just can't let go. Why??
And I know that at some point I need to do these things...and people still come to my apartment, and see the pictures on the wall & shelf, and give me this sideways look...but they don't say anything. It's almost like if I get rid of all these things, it'll be too permanent....and I feel like I need to do them in my own time. Then I sit back and think...for him, it's already permanent! I was ALWAYS in his corner...even if he was on some stupid shit that I didn't agree with. I'd state my objection, but still offer my support. I was a dope ass girlfriend. Loyal to a fault. For years! Even after all I did...all I put into 'Us', he's moved on and never looked back. Not once. So why can't I?
I thought I was past this point.
"I'm insecure....
But I can't help it...
My mind says move on...
But my heart lags behind...
I don't love you anymore,
I'm so insecure,
Never knew that love did this...."
I feel...EXACTLY like this right now...Out of nowhere, I just had some type of mid-twenties crisis, and I felt like screaming...and throwing shit...and breaking shit...and just....spazzing the fuck out, for lack of a better verb! But I can't do that....so I decided to write....I want so badly to just move on...Lord knows I do. And the reason this song is speaking to me right now..is because I truly feel that battle between mind and heart...I think I'm just acknowledging it for the first time. My mental self is soooo over this shit. I know for a fact that I don't want this relationship back. My emotional self, however, is on some whole other shit. She's trippin.....She's the one who WILL NOT let go completely....and I feel like crying out for help, but I just...can't. I feel like if it's so easy to mentally get over something, why shouldn't I be able to do it emotionally as well?? I don't sit around thinking "Oh my gosh, I miss him...I wish we were back together"....I sit around thinking about how I want him to hurt...and suffer...and wonder. Because that's what I was left to do. I guess this is what happens when you don't have closure?
It's been over 4 months. I haven't removed one picture from the frames in my living room....I haven't deleted him from FB...Haven't deleted our pics from FB...which people are STILL commenting on (smh)... I haven't gotten rid of the box full of letters, pictures, artwork, movie stubs, and other random shit I save....I just can't let go. Why??
And I know that at some point I need to do these things...and people still come to my apartment, and see the pictures on the wall & shelf, and give me this sideways look...but they don't say anything. It's almost like if I get rid of all these things, it'll be too permanent....and I feel like I need to do them in my own time. Then I sit back and think...for him, it's already permanent! I was ALWAYS in his corner...even if he was on some stupid shit that I didn't agree with. I'd state my objection, but still offer my support. I was a dope ass girlfriend. Loyal to a fault. For years! Even after all I did...all I put into 'Us', he's moved on and never looked back. Not once. So why can't I?
I thought I was past this point.
Ramblings...
Catch-up time....
OK, so there's been a shitload of things going on since I last blogged. I've gotten a couple irate texts & FB messages about my lack of posting lately (side-eye)...lol so I guess I'll get off my ass and write something.
Well...actually, I'm sitting on my ass, with my laptop...but you get the picture.
Work has been going pretty well...I took a much-needed mini vacation a couple weeks ago. Nothing fancy...I just went home to Cleveland. But I hadn't been home, or had any time off from work period, since December when I graduated...so the break was welcomed. I just needed to get away for a hot second. I came back and immediately had some miserable cold/sinus infection hybrid....but now I'm feeling better lol!
Relationships
Yeah...about that. Lol.
So by now I'm sure you all know the whole breakup story....and that CB and I haven't spoken since, to this day. Well a couple weeks ago, his mom informed me that he passed out, and ended up having to have a brain surgery...like, on his brain and shit....yeah. It kinda threw me for a loop, because his mom has kept in touch with me since the breakup, but we don't really talk about him. Ever. So when she told me this, I'm like "wait, What?"
He's ok, by the way. Surgery went fine without complications. He's going through physical therapy, to help him walk again...but geez. And of course my mind was all in overdrive...I initially knew something was wrong because I kept seeing FB posts about "pray for him" and all that...but I was hesitant to ask his mom, because...well, I felt like it just wasn't my place, you know? But I was kinda bullied into asking by a few friends and co-workers, who all agreed that yes, if you spent all those years with someone, it's okay to ask about possibly life-threatening events. So I asked...and I was told. It shook me up...but I was just glad that things weren't worse than they could have been. I still haven't spoken to him (and probably won't)...and I'm ok with this. I sent my well-wishes, and I've heard that his girlfriend his been by his side every step of the way. Good for him.
Moving on...there's this guy... -__-
Lol. But it's not really a "thing". Just a thing...you know? But I kinda like him. I might share more later....We'll see where it goes. And even if it doesn't go anywhere far...for right now, it's a thing that makes me happy ;-) and that's much-needed.
Also, I think I'm getting to that point in life where I'm noticing that EVERYONE around me is all settling down and whatnot. I have 3 best friends... One is married, with a son. One just had a daughter, and has been with her man for over 4 years (they met shortly after CB and I started dating)...and my other best friend is off and on with her guy for over 2 years. They're kinda messy, but they're working on it. And it's crazy, because I've always been on that end of the spectrum. The "coupled up" end....so now I'm just sitting back...getting used to life on the opposite end. I'll be 23 next month...and I feel like I still have this teenage mindset when it comes to dating because...well, I've always been in a relationship. I'm open to starting over, though. That's the thing I was most afraid of at first...but there's nowhere to go but forward. It's summer, though. I've heard that no one wants girlfriends this time of year, anyway lol. So I've got time to get my life together! Haha! Wish me luck!
OK, so there's been a shitload of things going on since I last blogged. I've gotten a couple irate texts & FB messages about my lack of posting lately (side-eye)...lol so I guess I'll get off my ass and write something.
Well...actually, I'm sitting on my ass, with my laptop...but you get the picture.
Work has been going pretty well...I took a much-needed mini vacation a couple weeks ago. Nothing fancy...I just went home to Cleveland. But I hadn't been home, or had any time off from work period, since December when I graduated...so the break was welcomed. I just needed to get away for a hot second. I came back and immediately had some miserable cold/sinus infection hybrid....but now I'm feeling better lol!
Relationships
Yeah...about that. Lol.
So by now I'm sure you all know the whole breakup story....and that CB and I haven't spoken since, to this day. Well a couple weeks ago, his mom informed me that he passed out, and ended up having to have a brain surgery...like, on his brain and shit....yeah. It kinda threw me for a loop, because his mom has kept in touch with me since the breakup, but we don't really talk about him. Ever. So when she told me this, I'm like "wait, What?"
He's ok, by the way. Surgery went fine without complications. He's going through physical therapy, to help him walk again...but geez. And of course my mind was all in overdrive...I initially knew something was wrong because I kept seeing FB posts about "pray for him" and all that...but I was hesitant to ask his mom, because...well, I felt like it just wasn't my place, you know? But I was kinda bullied into asking by a few friends and co-workers, who all agreed that yes, if you spent all those years with someone, it's okay to ask about possibly life-threatening events. So I asked...and I was told. It shook me up...but I was just glad that things weren't worse than they could have been. I still haven't spoken to him (and probably won't)...and I'm ok with this. I sent my well-wishes, and I've heard that his girlfriend his been by his side every step of the way. Good for him.
Moving on...there's this guy... -__-
Lol. But it's not really a "thing". Just a thing...you know? But I kinda like him. I might share more later....We'll see where it goes. And even if it doesn't go anywhere far...for right now, it's a thing that makes me happy ;-) and that's much-needed.
Also, I think I'm getting to that point in life where I'm noticing that EVERYONE around me is all settling down and whatnot. I have 3 best friends... One is married, with a son. One just had a daughter, and has been with her man for over 4 years (they met shortly after CB and I started dating)...and my other best friend is off and on with her guy for over 2 years. They're kinda messy, but they're working on it. And it's crazy, because I've always been on that end of the spectrum. The "coupled up" end....so now I'm just sitting back...getting used to life on the opposite end. I'll be 23 next month...and I feel like I still have this teenage mindset when it comes to dating because...well, I've always been in a relationship. I'm open to starting over, though. That's the thing I was most afraid of at first...but there's nowhere to go but forward. It's summer, though. I've heard that no one wants girlfriends this time of year, anyway lol. So I've got time to get my life together! Haha! Wish me luck!
No Holds Barred...
"I can't believe that it's over, baby....
But every bruise on my heart, you gave me."
--Ashanti {Over}.
I know I've been M.I.A. (again)...but it's not in vain. I promise.
I've been debating how much I wanted to share on here, for various reasons. Mainly, the situation I wrote about in my last post took some time for me to adjust to, and it's rather embarrassing for a Leo like myself...I'm not used to losing, failing, etc. But I was reminded by fellow bloggers, friends, and family members that there's strength in telling one's story. Writing has always been my only true form of release. When I write, I imagine myself sitting in the mirror telling the story to myself...In it's own strange, kooky way, it gives me clarity...
So I'll start from the beginning, for those who don't know me in "real life", those who do know me but never knew the whole story, those who only know bits & pieces, etc.
When I was in high school...I met CB. I was involved with someone else at the time, so we became friends. He lived a couple states away, but we talked and wrote each other a LOT. After a few months, we became best friends. It took us both awhile to admit it (and by awhile, I mean like a year or so)...but obviously we became more than just friends. In 2006, a month into my freshman year of undergrad (he was still a senior in high school), I realized that I was in toooooo deep. But so was he. And at that moment, everything I ever saw for my future shifted. It all included him. A couple months later, we made it official.
The next year, he went off to college. I'd say we held on pretty tough for awhile. His freshman year was a lot different than mine. He's an athlete, he went Greek, etc. Of course the distance has always been a factor, but at the time we had goals that included one another, so we made it work. Better than most are capable of making things work even in close proximity...Graduation seemed to be the light at the end of our romantic tunnel..
Fast forward to 2010...
The phone calls became fewer and farther between. In my heart of hearts, I knew that something was wrong, but of course I didn't want to admit it...or even speak it into existence. But I'm a woman. And we know.... Yes, men. We always know. What we choose to DO in response to that knowledge depends on the person. And personally, I wanted so badly to believe that this was the same person I'd fallen in love with back in high school...the person who wrote me poetry and 11-page letters, and wrote my name surrounded by hearts in the corners of the pages. But in retrospect, that smitten boy had grown into a slightly older BOY. A boy whom I don't recognize, or care to know at this point.
When I wrote my last post, I was in a completely different headspace than the one I'm in right now. I'd just found out that CB had began seeing someone else. Obviously, right? Lol. But at the time, I was in such a cycle of emotion, and I couldn't fathom leaving the comfort zone that had been built during my relationship with him. I was willing to listen, to understand, to try to reconcile....and ultimately, to settle (which is a realization that I recently came to). I thought that my world as I knew it wouldn't, and couldn't survive the loss of the person I thought belonged in my fairy-tale ending. So I did what a lot of women do. I reached out. I remained calm. I asked the questions I wanted answers to. I avoided those that I didn't want to know the answers to. Never realizing that I was simply dragging out the inevitable...because when someone's got one foot out of the door, there usually isn't much chance of getting them to come back in. Anywho...none of it mattered. Because my efforts weren't even responded to. Literally. Like I said, writing is my release....so I went back to the basics. I wrote a letter. A very personal, very transparent letter. I didn't want there to be any mistaking my stance on the matter at hand...or my desired solution. The letter laid everything I felt (at the time) completely on the table...and I'm not good at the whole vulnerability thing...but again, I trusted that I was putting these emotions into the proper hands. Clearly I was mistaken. My letter was sent in mid-February. The last conversation before I sent that letter....is the last communication of any sort that I had with him. No response. No return-to-sender. Nothing. And that's how 4+ years of my love life ended.
THEN, although I'd kept my mind from even dwelling on the elephant in the room (The Other Woman), a few days ago that little voice in my head spoke again...and I decided to do a little investigating. Lol... I don't trust anyone's information but my own these days, so I needed to find out first hand. When I did...I almost died. Laughing...... no, seriously...I laughed for a good 10 minutes when I saw who this chick was. I've never met her. Right now, I'm contemplating posting the pic of her that I posted on my FB wall when I found out (yes, I posted her pic. #ruthless)...just because I feel that you, as my loyal readers & cyber-friends deserve to laugh as wholeheartedly as I did that day. Yes, I think I'll post the pic.
And, by no means do I think cheating is all about aesthetics....Obviously there's something about this girl that was worth CB sacrificing his relationship with me. What that something is, I'll probably never know. It doesn't even matter...because the fact that that there IS a "something" is enough for me to realize it's time to let it go. I don't mean to boast, but damn if I don't brag...I mean, I really feel like he and I could have had it all. You'll never meet a person more loyal than me. I'm educated, raised well, take-home-to-mama type, well-mannered, well-dressed, gorgeous. Lady-in-the-streets.... lol... all that good stuff. So what is it that this girl gave him? Who knows.
The thing that hurts me the most is not the fact that I was cheated on by someone who I put the utmost trust into....I know this doesn't seem major to some people, and that chicks get cheated on erryday. Marriages end over infidelity...blah blah blah. But this is a first for me, and I've handled it the best way that I knew how. The thing that hurt me the most is the way that this situation was handled from his end. I won't go into detail about the letter I sent him, but just know that the bond I've had with this person since high school was so strong that I was willing to give up what we had, and be friends...that's how it all began anyway, right? I know people say "I want him/her to be happy even if it's not with me", but I sincerely meant that. I still mean it, after everything. So for me to open myself up to him, after ALL that I'd been put through...and receive no response? No acknowledgment that I'd poured my soul out in the form of ink from a ball-point pen? That's what hurts.
I keep asking myself how we ended up here... I don't have an answer, but every day that I sit back and think of what could have been (both good AND bad), I'm thankful. I don't have to see the face of betrayal everyday. I guess the long-distance thing was a gift and a curse. I didn't make the life changes that I had every intention of making (moving out to where he attends school, and possibly entering a graduate program there). I can't even imagine what I'd be feeling had I altered my entire life for someone who has no place for me in theirs. But again...I'm thankful. What's next for me? I'm not sure. I feel really "new" in the whole love scene. I've been with the same person virtually my entire adulthood thus far (from age 18 to 22), and so I feel like I have to go back and develop all the things that single, unattached people are supposed to develop lol... but I'm taking things a day at a time. I don't wish him any harm... I don't want to become bitter, but I do feel myself building a wall around my heart. To some, it may seem naive for me to have honestly expected forever with him...but I did. And it's rough starting all over. Involuntarily, I'd etched CB into my identity...so my first order of business is to continue on the path of success that I know has been paved for me. Hopefully he's on his own path. I don't know, for certain, that our paths will intertwine again. And for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling okay with that. ♥
PS: Here's that pic I promised y'all..... Lol.
CB, some random kid, and CB's new chick.
But every bruise on my heart, you gave me."
--Ashanti {Over}.
I know I've been M.I.A. (again)...but it's not in vain. I promise.
I've been debating how much I wanted to share on here, for various reasons. Mainly, the situation I wrote about in my last post took some time for me to adjust to, and it's rather embarrassing for a Leo like myself...I'm not used to losing, failing, etc. But I was reminded by fellow bloggers, friends, and family members that there's strength in telling one's story. Writing has always been my only true form of release. When I write, I imagine myself sitting in the mirror telling the story to myself...In it's own strange, kooky way, it gives me clarity...
So I'll start from the beginning, for those who don't know me in "real life", those who do know me but never knew the whole story, those who only know bits & pieces, etc.
When I was in high school...I met CB. I was involved with someone else at the time, so we became friends. He lived a couple states away, but we talked and wrote each other a LOT. After a few months, we became best friends. It took us both awhile to admit it (and by awhile, I mean like a year or so)...but obviously we became more than just friends. In 2006, a month into my freshman year of undergrad (he was still a senior in high school), I realized that I was in toooooo deep. But so was he. And at that moment, everything I ever saw for my future shifted. It all included him. A couple months later, we made it official.
The next year, he went off to college. I'd say we held on pretty tough for awhile. His freshman year was a lot different than mine. He's an athlete, he went Greek, etc. Of course the distance has always been a factor, but at the time we had goals that included one another, so we made it work. Better than most are capable of making things work even in close proximity...Graduation seemed to be the light at the end of our romantic tunnel..
Fast forward to 2010...
The phone calls became fewer and farther between. In my heart of hearts, I knew that something was wrong, but of course I didn't want to admit it...or even speak it into existence. But I'm a woman. And we know.... Yes, men. We always know. What we choose to DO in response to that knowledge depends on the person. And personally, I wanted so badly to believe that this was the same person I'd fallen in love with back in high school...the person who wrote me poetry and 11-page letters, and wrote my name surrounded by hearts in the corners of the pages. But in retrospect, that smitten boy had grown into a slightly older BOY. A boy whom I don't recognize, or care to know at this point.
When I wrote my last post, I was in a completely different headspace than the one I'm in right now. I'd just found out that CB had began seeing someone else. Obviously, right? Lol. But at the time, I was in such a cycle of emotion, and I couldn't fathom leaving the comfort zone that had been built during my relationship with him. I was willing to listen, to understand, to try to reconcile....and ultimately, to settle (which is a realization that I recently came to). I thought that my world as I knew it wouldn't, and couldn't survive the loss of the person I thought belonged in my fairy-tale ending. So I did what a lot of women do. I reached out. I remained calm. I asked the questions I wanted answers to. I avoided those that I didn't want to know the answers to. Never realizing that I was simply dragging out the inevitable...because when someone's got one foot out of the door, there usually isn't much chance of getting them to come back in. Anywho...none of it mattered. Because my efforts weren't even responded to. Literally. Like I said, writing is my release....so I went back to the basics. I wrote a letter. A very personal, very transparent letter. I didn't want there to be any mistaking my stance on the matter at hand...or my desired solution. The letter laid everything I felt (at the time) completely on the table...and I'm not good at the whole vulnerability thing...but again, I trusted that I was putting these emotions into the proper hands. Clearly I was mistaken. My letter was sent in mid-February. The last conversation before I sent that letter....is the last communication of any sort that I had with him. No response. No return-to-sender. Nothing. And that's how 4+ years of my love life ended.
THEN, although I'd kept my mind from even dwelling on the elephant in the room (The Other Woman), a few days ago that little voice in my head spoke again...and I decided to do a little investigating. Lol... I don't trust anyone's information but my own these days, so I needed to find out first hand. When I did...I almost died. Laughing...... no, seriously...I laughed for a good 10 minutes when I saw who this chick was. I've never met her. Right now, I'm contemplating posting the pic of her that I posted on my FB wall when I found out (yes, I posted her pic. #ruthless)...just because I feel that you, as my loyal readers & cyber-friends deserve to laugh as wholeheartedly as I did that day. Yes, I think I'll post the pic.
And, by no means do I think cheating is all about aesthetics....Obviously there's something about this girl that was worth CB sacrificing his relationship with me. What that something is, I'll probably never know. It doesn't even matter...because the fact that that there IS a "something" is enough for me to realize it's time to let it go. I don't mean to boast, but damn if I don't brag...I mean, I really feel like he and I could have had it all. You'll never meet a person more loyal than me. I'm educated, raised well, take-home-to-mama type, well-mannered, well-dressed, gorgeous. Lady-in-the-streets.... lol... all that good stuff. So what is it that this girl gave him? Who knows.
The thing that hurts me the most is not the fact that I was cheated on by someone who I put the utmost trust into....I know this doesn't seem major to some people, and that chicks get cheated on erryday. Marriages end over infidelity...blah blah blah. But this is a first for me, and I've handled it the best way that I knew how. The thing that hurt me the most is the way that this situation was handled from his end. I won't go into detail about the letter I sent him, but just know that the bond I've had with this person since high school was so strong that I was willing to give up what we had, and be friends...that's how it all began anyway, right? I know people say "I want him/her to be happy even if it's not with me", but I sincerely meant that. I still mean it, after everything. So for me to open myself up to him, after ALL that I'd been put through...and receive no response? No acknowledgment that I'd poured my soul out in the form of ink from a ball-point pen? That's what hurts.
I keep asking myself how we ended up here... I don't have an answer, but every day that I sit back and think of what could have been (both good AND bad), I'm thankful. I don't have to see the face of betrayal everyday. I guess the long-distance thing was a gift and a curse. I didn't make the life changes that I had every intention of making (moving out to where he attends school, and possibly entering a graduate program there). I can't even imagine what I'd be feeling had I altered my entire life for someone who has no place for me in theirs. But again...I'm thankful. What's next for me? I'm not sure. I feel really "new" in the whole love scene. I've been with the same person virtually my entire adulthood thus far (from age 18 to 22), and so I feel like I have to go back and develop all the things that single, unattached people are supposed to develop lol... but I'm taking things a day at a time. I don't wish him any harm... I don't want to become bitter, but I do feel myself building a wall around my heart. To some, it may seem naive for me to have honestly expected forever with him...but I did. And it's rough starting all over. Involuntarily, I'd etched CB into my identity...so my first order of business is to continue on the path of success that I know has been paved for me. Hopefully he's on his own path. I don't know, for certain, that our paths will intertwine again. And for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling okay with that. ♥
PS: Here's that pic I promised y'all..... Lol.
CB, some random kid, and CB's new chick.
Untitled. (Again). ♥
So I know I said I was gonna start back blogging, so here I am….
Things went from pretty much amazing to horribly sad all in the blink of an eye, and I don’t know any other form of release, except to write. It’s about to get really personal.
SN: I’m thinking about making my blog private, only because I don’t want misinformed people misinterpreting the things I say on here… I have enough REAL drama of my own, I don’t need anyone else’s imaginary drama. But anywho…
What I’m feeling right now can only be described as a toxic mixture of sadness, betrayal, disappointment, curiosity, fear, embarrassment, and just…loss. It’s kinda cliché, but I feel like a part of me has been taken away…like ripped out of me…and I feel like no one cares. It’s kinda crazy how you put your all into something, and expect it to turn out a certain way… you see the beauty, the potential, and the purity of it, and think that it’s solid…that nothing can ruin it, because it’s sacred…it’s real…it’s yours. Then you get this rude awakening, and nothing makes sense anymore.
There’s so much I have on my mind…so many feelings, so many questions…but I can’t bring myself to talk to a lot of people… I haven’t even sorted everything out in my own mind yet, so I can’t really relay my feelings to anyone else. Maybe writing this will help. I may not even post it, but I’ll just keep typing until I get it all out of me…and then see how I feel.
I love my best friends, but I can’t tell them what’s going on… why? Because the way I’m feeling and the way they’d react are NOT conducive to the outcome I’m hoping for…. I’ll backtrack for a second, and admit willingly that I don’t want it to be over… I don’t hate him. I can’t bring myself to… and believe me, I’ve tried. We have yet to speak since this whole thing came to light…So I don’t know any details of the situation…and until I can bring myself to hear his voice and get these answers, I don’t think I’ll ever truly know what to do. I guess that’s what people mean when they refer to Closure…..
But that being said, I haven’t bothered to tell too many people about the situation, because to explain it to them would mean I’d have to hear their reactions and I don’t even know what I want to do about the situation…so I don’t need any outside advice. I just need support in whatever steps I decide to take… the situation may not seem too delicate…but it’s delicate to me. I’ve never gone through this before, and I honestly never saw it coming. Not to be naïve and say I never believed it COULD happen…I just had so much genuine love and trust in this person, that I never thought it WOULD happen… does that make sense at all? IDK…. But anyway… In case any of you read this and wonder why I haven’t told you…please don’t think I’m excluding you or blocking you out in any way… I just need to keep my head as clear as possible for the moment…
It’s funny because my intentions were to attempt a reconciliation (again…smh) with a former friend, and instead I found two people who I can’t help but to care about…lying to me. So now I feel like the stupid one, and THAT’S the part that I can’t deal with… the fact that this is going on behind my back, from the person I’ve given my all to for over 4 years, and a person who clearly either hates me (or is completely indifferent towards me, which is worse than hate in my opinion) knew… I mean, the fact that she and I aren’t friends anymore means that I don’t expect anything along the lines of consideration and loyalty from her…I understand her not wanting anything to do with me, or the situation, because of what she THINKS I did to her….and that’s completely fine. The animosity is completely one-sided, because of a situation that was never addressed and/or resolved. And I can accept that as a loss. But understanding doesn’t lessen the pain. So here I am… intending to reconcile one relationship, and losing another… and all I can think about is how nothing will ever be the same….
I have much healing to do. The little advice/support I have received has been from unlikely sources, but I appreciate it nonetheless. Especially those who are on the outside looking in, and are more objective. Overall, the consensus has been that I need to plainly let him know how I’m feeling, and get the answers I need in order to move on, with or without him in my corner. I need to realize that I did nothing wrong, and that if this is meant to happen, it will. I never thought I’d be the girl capable of forgiving something like this, but in all honesty, I think I can…. And I mean truly forgive. Because I don’t consider the love I have for him some superficial, artificial, just-saying-it-because-it-sounds-pretty type of love. I put my soul into this relationship. Even before it WAS a relationship. And I don’t love him any less today than I did in September 2006 when I first admitted how I felt about him. If that makes me look/sound foolish, then so be it… If nothing else, I’ve learned (while being submerged in my thoughts these last couple days) that I can’t base my actions off of what other people are going to think of them… No one knows a relationship like the two people who are involved. Everyone else is just an outsider, getting bits and pieces of a huge picture. Am I ready to speak to him yet? I don‘t know. I don’t think I can even hear his voice yet, without breaking down. But hopefully that will change. Do I forgive him? I don’t know. I don’t even have all the information necessary to know whether I’m going left, right, up, or down…but I’m willing to forgive. The only thing I’m absolutely positively sure about…is that I love him. And even if I never speak to him again, that won’t change.
Things went from pretty much amazing to horribly sad all in the blink of an eye, and I don’t know any other form of release, except to write. It’s about to get really personal.
SN: I’m thinking about making my blog private, only because I don’t want misinformed people misinterpreting the things I say on here… I have enough REAL drama of my own, I don’t need anyone else’s imaginary drama. But anywho…
What I’m feeling right now can only be described as a toxic mixture of sadness, betrayal, disappointment, curiosity, fear, embarrassment, and just…loss. It’s kinda cliché, but I feel like a part of me has been taken away…like ripped out of me…and I feel like no one cares. It’s kinda crazy how you put your all into something, and expect it to turn out a certain way… you see the beauty, the potential, and the purity of it, and think that it’s solid…that nothing can ruin it, because it’s sacred…it’s real…it’s yours. Then you get this rude awakening, and nothing makes sense anymore.
There’s so much I have on my mind…so many feelings, so many questions…but I can’t bring myself to talk to a lot of people… I haven’t even sorted everything out in my own mind yet, so I can’t really relay my feelings to anyone else. Maybe writing this will help. I may not even post it, but I’ll just keep typing until I get it all out of me…and then see how I feel.
I love my best friends, but I can’t tell them what’s going on… why? Because the way I’m feeling and the way they’d react are NOT conducive to the outcome I’m hoping for…. I’ll backtrack for a second, and admit willingly that I don’t want it to be over… I don’t hate him. I can’t bring myself to… and believe me, I’ve tried. We have yet to speak since this whole thing came to light…So I don’t know any details of the situation…and until I can bring myself to hear his voice and get these answers, I don’t think I’ll ever truly know what to do. I guess that’s what people mean when they refer to Closure…..
But that being said, I haven’t bothered to tell too many people about the situation, because to explain it to them would mean I’d have to hear their reactions and I don’t even know what I want to do about the situation…so I don’t need any outside advice. I just need support in whatever steps I decide to take… the situation may not seem too delicate…but it’s delicate to me. I’ve never gone through this before, and I honestly never saw it coming. Not to be naïve and say I never believed it COULD happen…I just had so much genuine love and trust in this person, that I never thought it WOULD happen… does that make sense at all? IDK…. But anyway… In case any of you read this and wonder why I haven’t told you…please don’t think I’m excluding you or blocking you out in any way… I just need to keep my head as clear as possible for the moment…
It’s funny because my intentions were to attempt a reconciliation (again…smh) with a former friend, and instead I found two people who I can’t help but to care about…lying to me. So now I feel like the stupid one, and THAT’S the part that I can’t deal with… the fact that this is going on behind my back, from the person I’ve given my all to for over 4 years, and a person who clearly either hates me (or is completely indifferent towards me, which is worse than hate in my opinion) knew… I mean, the fact that she and I aren’t friends anymore means that I don’t expect anything along the lines of consideration and loyalty from her…I understand her not wanting anything to do with me, or the situation, because of what she THINKS I did to her….and that’s completely fine. The animosity is completely one-sided, because of a situation that was never addressed and/or resolved. And I can accept that as a loss. But understanding doesn’t lessen the pain. So here I am… intending to reconcile one relationship, and losing another… and all I can think about is how nothing will ever be the same….
I have much healing to do. The little advice/support I have received has been from unlikely sources, but I appreciate it nonetheless. Especially those who are on the outside looking in, and are more objective. Overall, the consensus has been that I need to plainly let him know how I’m feeling, and get the answers I need in order to move on, with or without him in my corner. I need to realize that I did nothing wrong, and that if this is meant to happen, it will. I never thought I’d be the girl capable of forgiving something like this, but in all honesty, I think I can…. And I mean truly forgive. Because I don’t consider the love I have for him some superficial, artificial, just-saying-it-because-it-sounds-pretty type of love. I put my soul into this relationship. Even before it WAS a relationship. And I don’t love him any less today than I did in September 2006 when I first admitted how I felt about him. If that makes me look/sound foolish, then so be it… If nothing else, I’ve learned (while being submerged in my thoughts these last couple days) that I can’t base my actions off of what other people are going to think of them… No one knows a relationship like the two people who are involved. Everyone else is just an outsider, getting bits and pieces of a huge picture. Am I ready to speak to him yet? I don‘t know. I don’t think I can even hear his voice yet, without breaking down. But hopefully that will change. Do I forgive him? I don’t know. I don’t even have all the information necessary to know whether I’m going left, right, up, or down…but I’m willing to forgive. The only thing I’m absolutely positively sure about…is that I love him. And even if I never speak to him again, that won’t change.
Day 23--Letter to the Person I Last Kissed.♥
Note: I know some may say it's cheating to use song lyrics as my letter...but
To My Chocolate,
It's not so easy
Lovin' me....
It gets so ComPlicated....
All the things you've gotta be.
Everything's changing....
But you're the truth.
I'm amazed by all your PaTienCe...
Everything I put you through.
And when I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waiting with your open arms to catch me.
You're gonna Save Me from Myself....
My love is tainted...
By your touch.
'cause some guys have shown me aces,
But you've got that RoyaL fLusH.
I know it's crazy....
Everyday.
Well tomorrow may be shaky...
But you never turn away...
Don't ask me why I'm crying,
'cause when I start to crumble...
You know how to keep me smilin'...
You always Save Me from Myself.
Love,
Your Peanut Butter.
(via Christina Aguilera: "Save Me from Myself": Back to Basics)♥
Day 20--Letter to the One that Broke My Heart the Hardest.♥
To He Whose Name We Don't Speak,
Hmm....I used to think that you'd always be the person who'd broken my heart, but now that I write this letter, I realize that you didn't break my heart. You crushed my ego, maybe...but my heart? I'm not really sure it was ever in your possession for you to break. See, for me...high school was this cozy little box full of routine. Even in the middle of the hoodest of 'hoods, high school felt like this little box of protection. To put it plain and simple, you were all I knew. I mean, I loved you. I won't deny that. But I don't think I was in love with you. Maybe after 2 years, I thought I was supposed to be in love with you...I mean, it was high school. Two years was like damn-near married lol. But what I have now....what I've had these last 4 years...feels completely different. Completely better. Completely real. So it makes me question everything I thought I had with you all those years ago.... either way, I felt some kinda way when you left...but there are no hard feelings. You taught me a lot...about how I should/shouldn't be treated. About what I should/shouldn't accept. I can appreciate that. The heartbreak I felt back then is completely covered up now (notice I said covered, not healed)...because I haven't seen spoken to you in years. If I was face-to-face with you right now, I don't have any idea what I'd say or how I'd feel. I do know this much: What we had was good at the time. We shared a time and space that no one else can appreciate as we do. When you left, things were hard for me. I felt rejected, stupid, duped, discarded, played, and a plethora of other things that took awhile to move past. But now, I'm a different me. An older me. A wiser me. A 'me' that survived heartbreak at the hands of a 'you'... and I'm grateful.
Sincerely,
Me.♥
Hmm....I used to think that you'd always be the person who'd broken my heart, but now that I write this letter, I realize that you didn't break my heart. You crushed my ego, maybe...but my heart? I'm not really sure it was ever in your possession for you to break. See, for me...high school was this cozy little box full of routine. Even in the middle of the hoodest of 'hoods, high school felt like this little box of protection. To put it plain and simple, you were all I knew. I mean, I loved you. I won't deny that. But I don't think I was in love with you. Maybe after 2 years, I thought I was supposed to be in love with you...I mean, it was high school. Two years was like damn-near married lol. But what I have now....what I've had these last 4 years...feels completely different. Completely better. Completely real. So it makes me question everything I thought I had with you all those years ago.... either way, I felt some kinda way when you left...but there are no hard feelings. You taught me a lot...about how I should/shouldn't be treated. About what I should/shouldn't accept. I can appreciate that. The heartbreak I felt back then is completely covered up now (notice I said covered, not healed)...because I haven't seen spoken to you in years. If I was face-to-face with you right now, I don't have any idea what I'd say or how I'd feel. I do know this much: What we had was good at the time. We shared a time and space that no one else can appreciate as we do. When you left, things were hard for me. I felt rejected, stupid, duped, discarded, played, and a plethora of other things that took awhile to move past. But now, I'm a different me. An older me. A wiser me. A 'me' that survived heartbreak at the hands of a 'you'... and I'm grateful.
Sincerely,
Me.♥
Day 16--Letter to Someone Who's Not in My State.♥
Hey babe...
I miss you. I think I'm going to call you soon, since I'm getting droopy-eyed. Time for pillow-talk lol. I wish you were closer, but we've gotta make do right now...it'll all be worth it in the end! I won't get too mushy, but I love you to pieces... Always have, and I always will...There's no one in the world that I'd rather have spent these past four years with...through the good times and the not-so-good. My place is with you. Keep making my day with your smile, and making my nights with your voice...
...Continue to love me. Never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved....
Ever Thine,
Ever Mine,
Day 7--Letter to My Ex ♥
Dear Ex,
Whew... where do I start lol? No, but really I don't have too many negative things to say. Obviously things didn't work out between us as a couple, but we were both in two different places back then. We talked about this recently, I believe, and it was long overdue... Back then, I would have liked to have really gotten to know you, but I think we never really put as much time and energy into us as we could have. No regrets, though. Everything happens for a reason. I think I've told you this before, but I wish you and I had actually met and became friends first, instead of jumping into the relationship. I'm positive that we probably wouldn't have ended up together if we'd been friends first lol, but I'm not saying that as an insult. I just think that we would have been great friends all along, instead of briefly dating, breaking up, falling out of touch, randomly reuniting, and then discovering how great of friends we could be. I know there are people who can't appreciate the fact that you and I remained friends, but I do value your friendship (Even sometimes you make me wanna pull my hair out!!!) lol.
I have nothing but love for you and I wish you the best. That kinda sounds like a farewell statement, lol, but I really do. I hope one day you find the woman you're looking for, but I wish you'd STOP thinking you'll find her at clubs and bars!! We've seen how that always works out! Lol. One day love will find you, and you'll make some woman a great hubby. Some brown-skinned thick chick who loves Jay-Z (lol) and I'm sure you'll mean the world to her. Other than that, I hope you'll continue to do you, and let everything else fall into place. Keep the BS at arms length, and keep working to make your mark on the world, and raise your little one to do the same! You deserve the best, so don't settle for anything less. These chicks are gonna have you going gray in like 5 years if you keep stressing over them!
Love Always,
KB ♥
Whew... where do I start lol? No, but really I don't have too many negative things to say. Obviously things didn't work out between us as a couple, but we were both in two different places back then. We talked about this recently, I believe, and it was long overdue... Back then, I would have liked to have really gotten to know you, but I think we never really put as much time and energy into us as we could have. No regrets, though. Everything happens for a reason. I think I've told you this before, but I wish you and I had actually met and became friends first, instead of jumping into the relationship. I'm positive that we probably wouldn't have ended up together if we'd been friends first lol, but I'm not saying that as an insult. I just think that we would have been great friends all along, instead of briefly dating, breaking up, falling out of touch, randomly reuniting, and then discovering how great of friends we could be. I know there are people who can't appreciate the fact that you and I remained friends, but I do value your friendship (Even sometimes you make me wanna pull my hair out!!!) lol.
I have nothing but love for you and I wish you the best. That kinda sounds like a farewell statement, lol, but I really do. I hope one day you find the woman you're looking for, but I wish you'd STOP thinking you'll find her at clubs and bars!! We've seen how that always works out! Lol. One day love will find you, and you'll make some woman a great hubby. Some brown-skinned thick chick who loves Jay-Z (lol) and I'm sure you'll mean the world to her. Other than that, I hope you'll continue to do you, and let everything else fall into place. Keep the BS at arms length, and keep working to make your mark on the world, and raise your little one to do the same! You deserve the best, so don't settle for anything less. These chicks are gonna have you going gray in like 5 years if you keep stressing over them!
Love Always,
KB ♥
Day 2--Letter to My Crush.♥
Although our eyes have never met, your lips have spoken volumes to my soul.
YOU make me smile with my heart...
YOU help me weather the stormy days, when love feels like it's slipping through my fingers.
YOU get my day started, whenever I just want to roll over and block the world out.
I'm glad I can say,
That I've had my Love Experience...
You've changed my world, before I even knew what you looked like...
Now that I know, my world is even further modified.
And now...
Every word in this letter's gonna be about YOU.
It's more than a crush,
Maybe this letter shouldn't even be dedicated to YOU.
It won't do justice to the complex simplicity that is our bond.
And each day...
My love multiplies for you...
So guess who loves you more?
It might sound like I'm gassin' ya...
But YOU deserve it,
Because you've got me....
Thanking...
God...
For YOU.
And even though you'll probably never know,
This letter is my confession...
That I don't think life will ever be the same for me
Without
You.
Signed,
Your Number One.♥
Believe♥
"I ain't like them others you done dealt with in your past....
Just have some faith,
That's all I ask...
Believe in Me."
--Raheem DeVaughn. 'Believe'. The Love Experience. ♥
Pacing & Embracing ♥
Hey guys!!
I've missed you! I've been soooooo neglectful to my blog as of late...but school is out for the summer (smh) so hopefully I'll be back on track lol! Other than busting my toosh to get this degree (4 months til graduation!!), I've been busting my toosh at work, living life, breakin' hearts, etc. etc. Lol. My birthday was a week ago, and for once, I actually "feel" my new age. 22 is definitely not as carefree as 21 and 20 were, but I've made it this far...why think about giving up now? With a new year under my belt, comes new experiences to look forward too, new success stories to write, new places to go, new people to meet, and new things to do. I'm pacing myself and embracing it all as it comes... So I just finished up my last two finals, and I'm looking forward to a fun weekend. It's like birthday celebration part two for me {in my current town, since last weekend I went to my hometown for my actual birthday!} and icing on the cake? My love is coming up to spend a week or so with me. He just finished up summer school too, in Iowa, so I'm grateful to be getting some QT with my cu-tie before we start back up for the Fall semester in our respective locations. The visit is especially good, because it took my mind off the fact that I missed Raheem DeVaughn's concert in my hometown today! *siggghhhhhh* I wrote a tweet about how I wasn't going, but that I'd be there in spirit since I love me some Rah...and guess what? Raheem DeVaughn retweeted me!!! I know I sound like Dorky McGroupie right now, but I promise I was soooooo excited when I saw it lol. Don't judge me. I just adore that guy!
That's pretty much it for now... I, the eternal insomniac, am up at 1am cleaning my bathroom and kitchen...I wanna vacuum my apartment but I'm trying to be considerate ofthe potheads downstairs my downstairs neighbors! TTYL, my loves!
x0x0
I've missed you! I've been soooooo neglectful to my blog as of late...but school is out for the summer (smh) so hopefully I'll be back on track lol! Other than busting my toosh to get this degree (4 months til graduation!!), I've been busting my toosh at work, living life, breakin' hearts, etc. etc. Lol. My birthday was a week ago, and for once, I actually "feel" my new age. 22 is definitely not as carefree as 21 and 20 were, but I've made it this far...why think about giving up now? With a new year under my belt, comes new experiences to look forward too, new success stories to write, new places to go, new people to meet, and new things to do. I'm pacing myself and embracing it all as it comes... So I just finished up my last two finals, and I'm looking forward to a fun weekend. It's like birthday celebration part two for me {in my current town, since last weekend I went to my hometown for my actual birthday!} and icing on the cake? My love is coming up to spend a week or so with me. He just finished up summer school too, in Iowa, so I'm grateful to be getting some QT with my cu-tie before we start back up for the Fall semester in our respective locations. The visit is especially good, because it took my mind off the fact that I missed Raheem DeVaughn's concert in my hometown today! *siggghhhhhh* I wrote a tweet about how I wasn't going, but that I'd be there in spirit since I love me some Rah...and guess what? Raheem DeVaughn retweeted me!!! I know I sound like Dorky McGroupie right now, but I promise I was soooooo excited when I saw it lol. Don't judge me. I just adore that guy!
That's pretty much it for now... I, the eternal insomniac, am up at 1am cleaning my bathroom and kitchen...I wanna vacuum my apartment but I'm trying to be considerate of
x0x0
Love & Happiness ♥
It baffles me when people talk about love as if it's this mythical thing that only an elite few ever achieve.
I mean, granted real love seems underrepresented in the media, and God forbid we, in 2010, believe in anything that the media doesn't show...smh...but I digress. As I was saying, real love seems underrepresented, but it exists. There are couples out there who have been married longer than some of us can even expect to live! I think some of us go into relationships with the misconception that love is unattainable...and this makes many people close their hearts to the possibility. Love is an emotion; it's something that connects your feelings with another being...it's not a ring, or a shared bank account, or random gifts. Don't get me wrong, those are cool...but when you strip away all the tangible things, if the emotional aspect isn't there then you don't have love. Infatuation. Lust. Gratitude, maybe...but not love. Going into a relationship expecting those tangible things is, in my opinion, a major way to ensure that the emotions won't develop. We're so used to the idea of a person showing their love by buying us, that we don't realize when "things" are filling the space that feelings should fill. When the relationships don't work out, we chalk it up to another fail, all the while not even realizing that we never tried in the first place. We simply settle for the easy road. Anyone can buy you things, all they need is the willingness and the means. Not everyone can be there for you, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. That's what real love is to me. Plain and simple...yet complicated. But worth the effort, nonetheless. In the end, these things make me a lot happier than gifts, trinkets, and anything else tangible a person may give you.... {but, as I said before...they're cool lol, as long as their accompanied by emotion}.
x0x0♥
I mean, granted real love seems underrepresented in the media, and God forbid we, in 2010, believe in anything that the media doesn't show...smh...but I digress. As I was saying, real love seems underrepresented, but it exists. There are couples out there who have been married longer than some of us can even expect to live! I think some of us go into relationships with the misconception that love is unattainable...and this makes many people close their hearts to the possibility. Love is an emotion; it's something that connects your feelings with another being...it's not a ring, or a shared bank account, or random gifts. Don't get me wrong, those are cool...but when you strip away all the tangible things, if the emotional aspect isn't there then you don't have love. Infatuation. Lust. Gratitude, maybe...but not love. Going into a relationship expecting those tangible things is, in my opinion, a major way to ensure that the emotions won't develop. We're so used to the idea of a person showing their love by buying us, that we don't realize when "things" are filling the space that feelings should fill. When the relationships don't work out, we chalk it up to another fail, all the while not even realizing that we never tried in the first place. We simply settle for the easy road. Anyone can buy you things, all they need is the willingness and the means. Not everyone can be there for you, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. That's what real love is to me. Plain and simple...yet complicated. But worth the effort, nonetheless. In the end, these things make me a lot happier than gifts, trinkets, and anything else tangible a person may give you.... {but, as I said before...they're cool lol, as long as their accompanied by emotion}.
x0x0♥
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