It's physically exhausting to constantly put 100% into things, only to receive 50% in return.
I'm not really a "go through the motions" type of girl. When I'm in, I'm all in.
So when it comes to the love thing, I'm usually left in a state of bafflement.
I'd like to think that I'm pretty low-maintenance.
Time.
Effort.
Attention (as needed).
Space (as needed).
Affection.
These are the things that mean the most to me. The things that should be natural and fluid and pure. Everything else is just... stuff. Good stuff, bad stuff. But it's just stuff.
Sometimes it feels like we're so disconnected from the essentials that we're perfectly okay with diminishing love into this accumulation of stuff. Material things. Superficial things. We want to make it look pretty for others, and sound pretty when we tell our friends all about it... but how many of us are really letting ourselves FEEL? Most people won't ever know the pure peace and serenity that comes from letting one's heart open up, to allow a person to set up residence. Many people don't even have the capacity to do so... But once you've felt an all-consuming love, anything less just feels... pointless.
So I wait.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Reverse Psychology.
I know what I want, in some cases. Other times I don't know, simply because I've yet to sit down and let myself honestly decide. But in those moments when I know? I knowww.
So it irks me when someone tries to manipulate me into doing/saying/feeling something that is simply benefitting THEM. Call it reverse psych, manipulation, or whatever...it's all the same to me. Don't fuckin do it.
For example, a person will ask you for something, and you'll give a definite answer: No. Why? Because you've (hopefully) weighed out the pros and cons of this request, and decided that ultimately, the risks do not outweigh benefits, and your human need for self-preservation tells you "No". ....Now all of a sudden you're mean, you're evil, you're cold, you're heartless, and all these other things that you weren't until you said what this person didn't wanna hear.
In my experience, there are two reactions to being called mean, evil, etc after declining someone's request.
1) The "Oh, Baby...Don't Go!" One
I see this as someone who aims to please and impress at all times. If they even THINK someone is going to be upset with them in any way, they'll change up that decision they made as fast as lightning. This is the PERFECT patsy when it comes to a master manipulator.
2) The "Oh, Word?" One
This person can see things for what they really are. They're less likely to fall for the manipulator's bullshit, because of their ability to make and stand by decisions. Either you're gonna roll with it, and conduct yourself accordingly...or you just gonna roll. Simple.
I classify myself as the "Oh, word?" type, if that isn't obvious by now lol. Because what you're NOT about to do is play my emotions like a violin to get what you want. I've been told that I put logic before emotion...and you're damned right. Its my choice, and my defense mechanism against making choices that don't protect my best interests. If I don't protect me, who will? Surely not someone who's foolish enough to try using reverse psychology on a psychology graduate.
Blurred Lines
I don't believe that interracial dating should still be as hot of a topic as it is...
I mean... any relationship that's formed and built on sincere love is already winning. Skin is skin. Race is race. Why do we sit and look at the outer packaging on people's relationships, and have the audacity to dive in head first with assumptions? I'm a firm believer in the fact that love transcends all the superficial boundaries that we try to impose on it. We look at an interracial couple and immediately see two separate pieces... instead of the single unit that they represent. Why?
I will admit, there is one thing I take issue with. That's the men/women who not only decide to date outside their race, but who then commence to tell you how they do it because people within their race {enter generalized insult here}.
And we've all heard it before. Most notably for me?
Black man: "I date White women because Black women are too bossy/loud/ghetto/nagging/etc."
THAT's that shit I don't like.
I'm all for finding happiness with the person you fall in love with, build a foundation with, and choose to pursue a life with. We owe it to ourselves to do JUST that. But there's no need to put down an entire group of people because of the quality of men/women YOU'VE previously been exposed to.
I think this issue in itself is completely independent from the issue some people have with interracial dating. We like to mesh them together, but we fail to realize that our previous experiences have no bearing on the next person's relationship. What you've been through isn't always what the next person is going to go through.
I Wanna Get to Know Ya...
I've never been one for resolutions... but for the last few years, I've found myself reflecting during this time of year. Reflecting over the year that's coming to an end... what worked for me, so I can keep it up & improve on it. What didn't work, so I can leave that shit behind.
The latter half of this year has shown me a happiness that I had not seen in quite awhile. I'm 25 now, and I'm beginning to look at some things and how they are situated in the Big Picture that I know as my life. One thing I've noticed is my lack of desire to impress.
I've always been the "goody-goody". This stems from childhood, as I remember always aiming to please. I always wanted to be the good kid, and was rewarded for this quite often via gifts, compliments from teachers, church members, extended family, etc. So of course, I kept it up. This followed me right into adulthood, though, and only recently have I realized that somewhere along the line, my "aim to please" mentality has diminished.
I'm not going to say the mentality is gone completely. When it comes to my work ethic, I definitely still like to put my best foot forward at all times... taking on special tasks, volunteering overtime...these are things I do not only for accolades and bonuses, but because I genuinely enjoy contributing.
But when it comes to relationships, I've began to see that I've been making a crucial mistake. One that I had to take several steps back to see a little more clearly. I've realized that it's ingrained in me to be what I've always seen as a "good girlfriend". I haven't been in a lot of relationships...I can count them all on one hand. I'm currently single (well...that's a whole 'nother post), so obviously those relationships all ended for one reason or another. But in the end, I've always been left asking myself what I did wrong.
Then it dawned on me...
I've spent my time trying to be the girl I thought men wanted... instead of being myself.
There's a part of me that's been reaching out to the surface (a surface which is covered by somewhat inadvertent attempts to be perfect, because who leaves the perfect girlfriend??). In my mind, I've always rationalized this by believing that if I'm everything my man wants and needs, he's going to always stay around. It didn't matter if what he wanted and needed compromised the 'Me' that I wanted to be.
The problem is, after doing this for so long, it becomes difficult to recognize who you are. You're used to playing a role now. So who you're actually meant to BE is pushed aside, while you remain in character. Now this is juxtaposed with me pretty much spending my whole transition into adulthood (age 17 to 21) in a relationship with the same person. I've never had time to sit back and get to know me. Until now. Although I am seeing someone, I'm also becoming committed to learning GiGi. I'm listening to her. I'm treating her to the things she wants. I'm loving up on her the way she should be loved up on, so that she knows what to command when she's ready for another exclusive relationship.
I'm paying attention to who GiGi is as a person, and getting to know the pretty & not-so-pretty aspects of her personality. I'm genuinely no longer interested in playing a role to impress someone just to get them to stay around. I'm moreso realizing that being true to me, and appreciating those who enjoy being around ME is more rewarding.
So if I were to make any type of resolution, it would be continue this. Why? Because I've realized that self-awareness is essential to developing dope character and shit.
The latter half of this year has shown me a happiness that I had not seen in quite awhile. I'm 25 now, and I'm beginning to look at some things and how they are situated in the Big Picture that I know as my life. One thing I've noticed is my lack of desire to impress.
I've always been the "goody-goody". This stems from childhood, as I remember always aiming to please. I always wanted to be the good kid, and was rewarded for this quite often via gifts, compliments from teachers, church members, extended family, etc. So of course, I kept it up. This followed me right into adulthood, though, and only recently have I realized that somewhere along the line, my "aim to please" mentality has diminished.
I'm not going to say the mentality is gone completely. When it comes to my work ethic, I definitely still like to put my best foot forward at all times... taking on special tasks, volunteering overtime...these are things I do not only for accolades and bonuses, but because I genuinely enjoy contributing.
But when it comes to relationships, I've began to see that I've been making a crucial mistake. One that I had to take several steps back to see a little more clearly. I've realized that it's ingrained in me to be what I've always seen as a "good girlfriend". I haven't been in a lot of relationships...I can count them all on one hand. I'm currently single (well...that's a whole 'nother post), so obviously those relationships all ended for one reason or another. But in the end, I've always been left asking myself what I did wrong.
Then it dawned on me...
I've spent my time trying to be the girl I thought men wanted... instead of being myself.
There's a part of me that's been reaching out to the surface (a surface which is covered by somewhat inadvertent attempts to be perfect, because who leaves the perfect girlfriend??). In my mind, I've always rationalized this by believing that if I'm everything my man wants and needs, he's going to always stay around. It didn't matter if what he wanted and needed compromised the 'Me' that I wanted to be.
The problem is, after doing this for so long, it becomes difficult to recognize who you are. You're used to playing a role now. So who you're actually meant to BE is pushed aside, while you remain in character. Now this is juxtaposed with me pretty much spending my whole transition into adulthood (age 17 to 21) in a relationship with the same person. I've never had time to sit back and get to know me. Until now. Although I am seeing someone, I'm also becoming committed to learning GiGi. I'm listening to her. I'm treating her to the things she wants. I'm loving up on her the way she should be loved up on, so that she knows what to command when she's ready for another exclusive relationship.
I'm paying attention to who GiGi is as a person, and getting to know the pretty & not-so-pretty aspects of her personality. I'm genuinely no longer interested in playing a role to impress someone just to get them to stay around. I'm moreso realizing that being true to me, and appreciating those who enjoy being around ME is more rewarding.
So if I were to make any type of resolution, it would be continue this. Why? Because I've realized that self-awareness is essential to developing dope character and shit.
What the Fuck Am I Doing?
True Life: I'm a Serial Monogamist.
I read somewhere that a man knows when you're someone he wants to be with, vs someone he wants to play around with. And that he acts/treats you accordingly. Sort of like how women know immediately upon meeting a guy whether or not they'd let him hit. Mmm hmm. Lol.
And these things make perfect sense to me. But I feel like...idk. Ive been struggling with the realization that I'm a serial monogamist. I don't ever really have guys that I just "talk to" or whatever, I'm either in a relationship with someone, or I'm completely single.
Until now.
I'm trying to do the whole "talking" thing...and I don't feel like its for me. It's fun and all, but I feel like I need more. In the back of my mind it gives me this lingering question of "What am I missing?"...What is it about me that isn't good enough?
Call me crazy, naive, insecure, or whatever. I'm a work in progress. But I like titles. I like exclusivity. I like acknowledgment of the fact that I'm the only woman who makes you feel warm tingly fuzzy shit when you think of her. Not having those things is a slight struggle for me, mainly because I'm so used to having them. I've always been "claimed", lol and that's kinda all I know when it comes to relations & relationships. It's a necessary contrast to my usual, though. So I told myself I would just let things develop and see how they progress. That's probably going to be a lot harder than it sounds....but easy gets boring.
Call me crazy, naive, insecure, or whatever. I'm a work in progress. But I like titles. I like exclusivity. I like acknowledgment of the fact that I'm the only woman who makes you feel warm tingly fuzzy shit when you think of her. Not having those things is a slight struggle for me, mainly because I'm so used to having them. I've always been "claimed", lol and that's kinda all I know when it comes to relations & relationships. It's a necessary contrast to my usual, though. So I told myself I would just let things develop and see how they progress. That's probably going to be a lot harder than it sounds....but easy gets boring.
Delayed Rebound.
I feel like this is the only term that comes into mind when I reflect on my BRIEF most recent relationship...(not THAT one, another one's bitten the dust since then)...
It's a sad realization, but it's something that I need to acknowledge for what it is. I could apologize, because you can't play with someone's heart that way. Especially knowing they feel a certain way about you.
But I think we might be past the point of apologies.
Too many hurtful things have been done and said now.
I knew going into this situation with him that in my heart of hearts, it wasn't what I wanted. HE wasn't what I wanted. But I dove in anyway, trying to build off of the familiarity of him.
That was unfair.
But sometimes you fool yourself into thinking that what's familiar is what's best for you. Familiar KNOWS you. Familiar wouldn't hurt you. Familiar is SAFE.
I put logic first because putting emotion first hasn't yielded any desirable results for me thus far.
That was really fucking stupid.
But that chapter is closed, for good this time. Second time was not the charm. Familiar was not safe. In fact, familiar was on more bullshit than I could have ever imagined.
So we move on.
There just might be a new Sherriff in town ^_^
It's a sad realization, but it's something that I need to acknowledge for what it is. I could apologize, because you can't play with someone's heart that way. Especially knowing they feel a certain way about you.
But I think we might be past the point of apologies.
Too many hurtful things have been done and said now.
I knew going into this situation with him that in my heart of hearts, it wasn't what I wanted. HE wasn't what I wanted. But I dove in anyway, trying to build off of the familiarity of him.
That was unfair.
But sometimes you fool yourself into thinking that what's familiar is what's best for you. Familiar KNOWS you. Familiar wouldn't hurt you. Familiar is SAFE.
I put logic first because putting emotion first hasn't yielded any desirable results for me thus far.
That was really fucking stupid.
But that chapter is closed, for good this time. Second time was not the charm. Familiar was not safe. In fact, familiar was on more bullshit than I could have ever imagined.
So we move on.
There just might be a new Sherriff in town ^_^
Ramblings...
Catch-up time....
OK, so there's been a shitload of things going on since I last blogged. I've gotten a couple irate texts & FB messages about my lack of posting lately (side-eye)...lol so I guess I'll get off my ass and write something.
Well...actually, I'm sitting on my ass, with my laptop...but you get the picture.
Work has been going pretty well...I took a much-needed mini vacation a couple weeks ago. Nothing fancy...I just went home to Cleveland. But I hadn't been home, or had any time off from work period, since December when I graduated...so the break was welcomed. I just needed to get away for a hot second. I came back and immediately had some miserable cold/sinus infection hybrid....but now I'm feeling better lol!
Relationships
Yeah...about that. Lol.
So by now I'm sure you all know the whole breakup story....and that CB and I haven't spoken since, to this day. Well a couple weeks ago, his mom informed me that he passed out, and ended up having to have a brain surgery...like, on his brain and shit....yeah. It kinda threw me for a loop, because his mom has kept in touch with me since the breakup, but we don't really talk about him. Ever. So when she told me this, I'm like "wait, What?"
He's ok, by the way. Surgery went fine without complications. He's going through physical therapy, to help him walk again...but geez. And of course my mind was all in overdrive...I initially knew something was wrong because I kept seeing FB posts about "pray for him" and all that...but I was hesitant to ask his mom, because...well, I felt like it just wasn't my place, you know? But I was kinda bullied into asking by a few friends and co-workers, who all agreed that yes, if you spent all those years with someone, it's okay to ask about possibly life-threatening events. So I asked...and I was told. It shook me up...but I was just glad that things weren't worse than they could have been. I still haven't spoken to him (and probably won't)...and I'm ok with this. I sent my well-wishes, and I've heard that his girlfriend his been by his side every step of the way. Good for him.
Moving on...there's this guy... -__-
Lol. But it's not really a "thing". Just a thing...you know? But I kinda like him. I might share more later....We'll see where it goes. And even if it doesn't go anywhere far...for right now, it's a thing that makes me happy ;-) and that's much-needed.
Also, I think I'm getting to that point in life where I'm noticing that EVERYONE around me is all settling down and whatnot. I have 3 best friends... One is married, with a son. One just had a daughter, and has been with her man for over 4 years (they met shortly after CB and I started dating)...and my other best friend is off and on with her guy for over 2 years. They're kinda messy, but they're working on it. And it's crazy, because I've always been on that end of the spectrum. The "coupled up" end....so now I'm just sitting back...getting used to life on the opposite end. I'll be 23 next month...and I feel like I still have this teenage mindset when it comes to dating because...well, I've always been in a relationship. I'm open to starting over, though. That's the thing I was most afraid of at first...but there's nowhere to go but forward. It's summer, though. I've heard that no one wants girlfriends this time of year, anyway lol. So I've got time to get my life together! Haha! Wish me luck!
OK, so there's been a shitload of things going on since I last blogged. I've gotten a couple irate texts & FB messages about my lack of posting lately (side-eye)...lol so I guess I'll get off my ass and write something.
Well...actually, I'm sitting on my ass, with my laptop...but you get the picture.
Work has been going pretty well...I took a much-needed mini vacation a couple weeks ago. Nothing fancy...I just went home to Cleveland. But I hadn't been home, or had any time off from work period, since December when I graduated...so the break was welcomed. I just needed to get away for a hot second. I came back and immediately had some miserable cold/sinus infection hybrid....but now I'm feeling better lol!
Relationships
Yeah...about that. Lol.
So by now I'm sure you all know the whole breakup story....and that CB and I haven't spoken since, to this day. Well a couple weeks ago, his mom informed me that he passed out, and ended up having to have a brain surgery...like, on his brain and shit....yeah. It kinda threw me for a loop, because his mom has kept in touch with me since the breakup, but we don't really talk about him. Ever. So when she told me this, I'm like "wait, What?"
He's ok, by the way. Surgery went fine without complications. He's going through physical therapy, to help him walk again...but geez. And of course my mind was all in overdrive...I initially knew something was wrong because I kept seeing FB posts about "pray for him" and all that...but I was hesitant to ask his mom, because...well, I felt like it just wasn't my place, you know? But I was kinda bullied into asking by a few friends and co-workers, who all agreed that yes, if you spent all those years with someone, it's okay to ask about possibly life-threatening events. So I asked...and I was told. It shook me up...but I was just glad that things weren't worse than they could have been. I still haven't spoken to him (and probably won't)...and I'm ok with this. I sent my well-wishes, and I've heard that his girlfriend his been by his side every step of the way. Good for him.
Moving on...there's this guy... -__-
Lol. But it's not really a "thing". Just a thing...you know? But I kinda like him. I might share more later....We'll see where it goes. And even if it doesn't go anywhere far...for right now, it's a thing that makes me happy ;-) and that's much-needed.
Also, I think I'm getting to that point in life where I'm noticing that EVERYONE around me is all settling down and whatnot. I have 3 best friends... One is married, with a son. One just had a daughter, and has been with her man for over 4 years (they met shortly after CB and I started dating)...and my other best friend is off and on with her guy for over 2 years. They're kinda messy, but they're working on it. And it's crazy, because I've always been on that end of the spectrum. The "coupled up" end....so now I'm just sitting back...getting used to life on the opposite end. I'll be 23 next month...and I feel like I still have this teenage mindset when it comes to dating because...well, I've always been in a relationship. I'm open to starting over, though. That's the thing I was most afraid of at first...but there's nowhere to go but forward. It's summer, though. I've heard that no one wants girlfriends this time of year, anyway lol. So I've got time to get my life together! Haha! Wish me luck!
Day 23--Letter to the Person I Last Kissed.♥
Note: I know some may say it's cheating to use song lyrics as my letter...but
To My Chocolate,
It's not so easy
Lovin' me....
It gets so ComPlicated....
All the things you've gotta be.
Everything's changing....
But you're the truth.
I'm amazed by all your PaTienCe...
Everything I put you through.
And when I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waiting with your open arms to catch me.
You're gonna Save Me from Myself....
My love is tainted...
By your touch.
'cause some guys have shown me aces,
But you've got that RoyaL fLusH.
I know it's crazy....
Everyday.
Well tomorrow may be shaky...
But you never turn away...
Don't ask me why I'm crying,
'cause when I start to crumble...
You know how to keep me smilin'...
You always Save Me from Myself.
Love,
Your Peanut Butter.
(via Christina Aguilera: "Save Me from Myself": Back to Basics)♥
Day 20--Letter to the One that Broke My Heart the Hardest.♥
To He Whose Name We Don't Speak,
Hmm....I used to think that you'd always be the person who'd broken my heart, but now that I write this letter, I realize that you didn't break my heart. You crushed my ego, maybe...but my heart? I'm not really sure it was ever in your possession for you to break. See, for me...high school was this cozy little box full of routine. Even in the middle of the hoodest of 'hoods, high school felt like this little box of protection. To put it plain and simple, you were all I knew. I mean, I loved you. I won't deny that. But I don't think I was in love with you. Maybe after 2 years, I thought I was supposed to be in love with you...I mean, it was high school. Two years was like damn-near married lol. But what I have now....what I've had these last 4 years...feels completely different. Completely better. Completely real. So it makes me question everything I thought I had with you all those years ago.... either way, I felt some kinda way when you left...but there are no hard feelings. You taught me a lot...about how I should/shouldn't be treated. About what I should/shouldn't accept. I can appreciate that. The heartbreak I felt back then is completely covered up now (notice I said covered, not healed)...because I haven't seen spoken to you in years. If I was face-to-face with you right now, I don't have any idea what I'd say or how I'd feel. I do know this much: What we had was good at the time. We shared a time and space that no one else can appreciate as we do. When you left, things were hard for me. I felt rejected, stupid, duped, discarded, played, and a plethora of other things that took awhile to move past. But now, I'm a different me. An older me. A wiser me. A 'me' that survived heartbreak at the hands of a 'you'... and I'm grateful.
Sincerely,
Me.♥
Hmm....I used to think that you'd always be the person who'd broken my heart, but now that I write this letter, I realize that you didn't break my heart. You crushed my ego, maybe...but my heart? I'm not really sure it was ever in your possession for you to break. See, for me...high school was this cozy little box full of routine. Even in the middle of the hoodest of 'hoods, high school felt like this little box of protection. To put it plain and simple, you were all I knew. I mean, I loved you. I won't deny that. But I don't think I was in love with you. Maybe after 2 years, I thought I was supposed to be in love with you...I mean, it was high school. Two years was like damn-near married lol. But what I have now....what I've had these last 4 years...feels completely different. Completely better. Completely real. So it makes me question everything I thought I had with you all those years ago.... either way, I felt some kinda way when you left...but there are no hard feelings. You taught me a lot...about how I should/shouldn't be treated. About what I should/shouldn't accept. I can appreciate that. The heartbreak I felt back then is completely covered up now (notice I said covered, not healed)...because I haven't seen spoken to you in years. If I was face-to-face with you right now, I don't have any idea what I'd say or how I'd feel. I do know this much: What we had was good at the time. We shared a time and space that no one else can appreciate as we do. When you left, things were hard for me. I felt rejected, stupid, duped, discarded, played, and a plethora of other things that took awhile to move past. But now, I'm a different me. An older me. A wiser me. A 'me' that survived heartbreak at the hands of a 'you'... and I'm grateful.
Sincerely,
Me.♥
Day 16--Letter to Someone Who's Not in My State.♥
Hey babe...
I miss you. I think I'm going to call you soon, since I'm getting droopy-eyed. Time for pillow-talk lol. I wish you were closer, but we've gotta make do right now...it'll all be worth it in the end! I won't get too mushy, but I love you to pieces... Always have, and I always will...There's no one in the world that I'd rather have spent these past four years with...through the good times and the not-so-good. My place is with you. Keep making my day with your smile, and making my nights with your voice...
...Continue to love me. Never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved....
Ever Thine,
Ever Mine,
Love & Happiness ♥
It baffles me when people talk about love as if it's this mythical thing that only an elite few ever achieve.
I mean, granted real love seems underrepresented in the media, and God forbid we, in 2010, believe in anything that the media doesn't show...smh...but I digress. As I was saying, real love seems underrepresented, but it exists. There are couples out there who have been married longer than some of us can even expect to live! I think some of us go into relationships with the misconception that love is unattainable...and this makes many people close their hearts to the possibility. Love is an emotion; it's something that connects your feelings with another being...it's not a ring, or a shared bank account, or random gifts. Don't get me wrong, those are cool...but when you strip away all the tangible things, if the emotional aspect isn't there then you don't have love. Infatuation. Lust. Gratitude, maybe...but not love. Going into a relationship expecting those tangible things is, in my opinion, a major way to ensure that the emotions won't develop. We're so used to the idea of a person showing their love by buying us, that we don't realize when "things" are filling the space that feelings should fill. When the relationships don't work out, we chalk it up to another fail, all the while not even realizing that we never tried in the first place. We simply settle for the easy road. Anyone can buy you things, all they need is the willingness and the means. Not everyone can be there for you, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. That's what real love is to me. Plain and simple...yet complicated. But worth the effort, nonetheless. In the end, these things make me a lot happier than gifts, trinkets, and anything else tangible a person may give you.... {but, as I said before...they're cool lol, as long as their accompanied by emotion}.
x0x0♥
I mean, granted real love seems underrepresented in the media, and God forbid we, in 2010, believe in anything that the media doesn't show...smh...but I digress. As I was saying, real love seems underrepresented, but it exists. There are couples out there who have been married longer than some of us can even expect to live! I think some of us go into relationships with the misconception that love is unattainable...and this makes many people close their hearts to the possibility. Love is an emotion; it's something that connects your feelings with another being...it's not a ring, or a shared bank account, or random gifts. Don't get me wrong, those are cool...but when you strip away all the tangible things, if the emotional aspect isn't there then you don't have love. Infatuation. Lust. Gratitude, maybe...but not love. Going into a relationship expecting those tangible things is, in my opinion, a major way to ensure that the emotions won't develop. We're so used to the idea of a person showing their love by buying us, that we don't realize when "things" are filling the space that feelings should fill. When the relationships don't work out, we chalk it up to another fail, all the while not even realizing that we never tried in the first place. We simply settle for the easy road. Anyone can buy you things, all they need is the willingness and the means. Not everyone can be there for you, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. That's what real love is to me. Plain and simple...yet complicated. But worth the effort, nonetheless. In the end, these things make me a lot happier than gifts, trinkets, and anything else tangible a person may give you.... {but, as I said before...they're cool lol, as long as their accompanied by emotion}.
x0x0♥
Untitled. ♥
"Wife...you deserve the label, but you've been hurt before so you're sore and don't feel you're able..." --Wale {Diary} ♥
So anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm hopelessly addicted to this song...I just love it. By far my favorite Wale joint ever. Marsha Ambrosious killed it too. Anyway...I'm listening to this as I type, with the volume as high as it'll go...on repeat...and it's just got me thinking about so much stuff...not necessarily personal stuff. Just in general...How many of us know someone who's let past relationships negatively affect our present relationships {or potential relationships}? A lot, right? My heart hurts for that person who isn't willing to let love back into his/her life, all because they let it in before and someone left them damaged...experience has shown us that usually it's easier to break something than it is to repair it...why would the heart be any different? It's so bad that it's gotten to a point where younger generations are being raised by bitter, damaged single parents...and are being taught not to believe in love in the first place, all because of the possibility of being hurt...On one hand, I can understand a parent's desire to keep any and all types of harm away from their children...but how can we know what joy feels like if we've never been exposed to pain?
I'm also thinking about how people have this cycle...and half the time, they don't even realize it. We choose partners who either possess traits that we are used to being exposed to, or the opposite. Whether positive or negative...sometimes we're too used to something to objectively decide it's bad for us. Other times, we realize what's unhealthy, and aim for the furthest thing from it...but when every person you enter a relationship treats you the same way, or every relationship has the same outcome...you're engaging in a cycle. I think about so many people I know who jump from one partner to the next, and in the end everything turns out all bad...reinforcing the assumption that all men/women "aint shit"...but if trial and error doesn't teach you to modify your standards...aren't you partially to blame? It just seems as though those of use who have been hurt have a tendency to prejudge every subsequent person who approaches us...and rejecting those people {because you think all men/women ain't shit} could very well lead them to believe that all men/women ain't shit as well...so they'll go on to treat their next partner like crap...virtually just one big presumptuous, prejudiced domino effect...and all because we don't want to hurt. It's easier to hurt others than to let ourselves succumb to being the victim. It's quite the phenomenon, actually...
It's not only something that affects our interpersonal relationships... it affects self-esteem, as well. Being hurt has a tendency to make people think they deserved what happened to them...or caused it. That they don't deserve better. I think this is the reason for the whole cycle...why else would one continuously put their self in the position to be hurt?
x0x0♥
I'm also thinking about how people have this cycle...and half the time, they don't even realize it. We choose partners who either possess traits that we are used to being exposed to, or the opposite. Whether positive or negative...sometimes we're too used to something to objectively decide it's bad for us. Other times, we realize what's unhealthy, and aim for the furthest thing from it...but when every person you enter a relationship treats you the same way, or every relationship has the same outcome...you're engaging in a cycle. I think about so many people I know who jump from one partner to the next, and in the end everything turns out all bad...reinforcing the assumption that all men/women "aint shit"...but if trial and error doesn't teach you to modify your standards...aren't you partially to blame? It just seems as though those of use who have been hurt have a tendency to prejudge every subsequent person who approaches us...and rejecting those people {because you think all men/women ain't shit} could very well lead them to believe that all men/women ain't shit as well...so they'll go on to treat their next partner like crap...virtually just one big presumptuous, prejudiced domino effect...and all because we don't want to hurt. It's easier to hurt others than to let ourselves succumb to being the victim. It's quite the phenomenon, actually...
It's not only something that affects our interpersonal relationships... it affects self-esteem, as well. Being hurt has a tendency to make people think they deserved what happened to them...or caused it. That they don't deserve better. I think this is the reason for the whole cycle...why else would one continuously put their self in the position to be hurt?
x0x0♥
Manipulation... ♥
So I'm listening to Wale's "The Manipulation" {a track from The Mixtape About Nothing} and it made me wonder...why are there so many women who settle for men talking to them any ol' kind of way? If you've never heard the song, it's kind of an alter-ego set-up with two separate beats. Against one beat, Wale raps from the point of view of a sweet, considerate, well-mannered guy. Then the beat switches and you have the other guy who calls women b*tches and h*es, and basically demeans them. The moral is that women have a choice of which type of guy we respond to, and I completely agree.
There's nothing I hate more than hearing a female talk about how disrespected they felt when a dude approached them with "Yo b*tch, you got a man?" or "Damn girl, you got a fat a*s...what I gotta do to hop on that?!"...then a week later, the two of them are dating. What makes certain women respond to these approaches? I've discussed this with female friends before, and one common thing was that back in, say, high school, it was the 'thing' to approach girls like this. So the girls thought guys who stepped to them this way were cool. I don't remember ever thinking that was cute...lol. Apparently at some point, girls let this become "cool", so more guys started doing it.
When did disrespectful guys become the default, making well-mannered ones the exception? Would you notice the quiet, mellow, respectful guy first at a club/mall/party? Or would you notice the loud, obnoxious, rude one? Which would you prefer to approach/be approached by?
x0x0 ♥
There's nothing I hate more than hearing a female talk about how disrespected they felt when a dude approached them with "Yo b*tch, you got a man?" or "Damn girl, you got a fat a*s...what I gotta do to hop on that?!"...then a week later, the two of them are dating. What makes certain women respond to these approaches? I've discussed this with female friends before, and one common thing was that back in, say, high school, it was the 'thing' to approach girls like this. So the girls thought guys who stepped to them this way were cool. I don't remember ever thinking that was cute...lol. Apparently at some point, girls let this become "cool", so more guys started doing it.
When did disrespectful guys become the default, making well-mannered ones the exception? Would you notice the quiet, mellow, respectful guy first at a club/mall/party? Or would you notice the loud, obnoxious, rude one? Which would you prefer to approach/be approached by?
x0x0 ♥
Hola, Muchachos! ♥
Hey guys!
Sorry I've been away, but I'm back! Hopefully I'll be back on track with my blogging!
It's Monday, and it's finals week. I'm wrapping up what has been my best semester in awhile! I'm seriously thinking I'll have my 4.0 this time. I've already aced 3 out of 5 finals (and their respective classes), and I have 2 papers I'm waiting on grades for (which I'm pretty sure are A's too) so I'm hoping for the best!
In other news...while I was away, I became single!
For like a day. Lol. A little miscommunication (actually more like a lack of communication) led to issues where my S.O. felt there was a lot of negative stuff going on that he couldn't talk to me about it...so he simply didn't talk to me. For a number of days. At the time I was going OFF...like WTF, really dude? I declared myself single (I made it FB official and EVERYTHING, but he doesn't even check his FB anymore so it was pretty pointless and went unnoticed lol) even though I knew in my heart that I was still 'In a Relationship' lol. But we worked it out, talked it out, and now we're all patched up. Sometimes we get too comfortable as a couple, and perhaps we forget about the friendship thing we once had where we could vent to each other about anything under the sun... and these things happen. *shrug*
Hmmm what else... I cut some ties I should have cut a LONG time ago. It feels good. I feel free. I don't need people in or around my life who are serving no purpose. I'm not crippled; I don't need anyone as a crutch. On the same token, I don't want to be anyone else's crutch, either. You know that little cliche about seasonal friends/acquaintances? Yeah... some people have been in my life long past their season. Expiration date was up a long time ago, and it's not that I just realized this...it's that I'm just now taking the initiative to actually do something about it. So I'm in a good place right now... I'm about to finish jammin' to this Wale {The Mixtape About Nothing} and eating my ice cream {yes, it's 11:30 at night but so what. I've had a long day lol}
x0x0♥
Sorry I've been away, but I'm back! Hopefully I'll be back on track with my blogging!
It's Monday, and it's finals week. I'm wrapping up what has been my best semester in awhile! I'm seriously thinking I'll have my 4.0 this time. I've already aced 3 out of 5 finals (and their respective classes), and I have 2 papers I'm waiting on grades for (which I'm pretty sure are A's too) so I'm hoping for the best!
In other news...while I was away, I became single!
For like a day. Lol. A little miscommunication (actually more like a lack of communication) led to issues where my S.O. felt there was a lot of negative stuff going on that he couldn't talk to me about it...so he simply didn't talk to me. For a number of days. At the time I was going OFF...like WTF, really dude? I declared myself single (I made it FB official and EVERYTHING, but he doesn't even check his FB anymore so it was pretty pointless and went unnoticed lol) even though I knew in my heart that I was still 'In a Relationship' lol. But we worked it out, talked it out, and now we're all patched up. Sometimes we get too comfortable as a couple, and perhaps we forget about the friendship thing we once had where we could vent to each other about anything under the sun... and these things happen. *shrug*
Hmmm what else... I cut some ties I should have cut a LONG time ago. It feels good. I feel free. I don't need people in or around my life who are serving no purpose. I'm not crippled; I don't need anyone as a crutch. On the same token, I don't want to be anyone else's crutch, either. You know that little cliche about seasonal friends/acquaintances? Yeah... some people have been in my life long past their season. Expiration date was up a long time ago, and it's not that I just realized this...it's that I'm just now taking the initiative to actually do something about it. So I'm in a good place right now... I'm about to finish jammin' to this Wale {The Mixtape About Nothing} and eating my ice cream {yes, it's 11:30 at night but so what. I've had a long day lol}
x0x0♥
Change Comes Eventually...?♥
Is it possible to change someone once you’ve entered a relationship with them?
Imagine how many people (read: women) have been heartbroken because they fell for their significant other, excusing major flaws that they felt they could ‘change’… I mean, granted, there may be things a person is willing to work on in an attempt to gain your love, but I don’t think it’s reasonable or realistic to try to mold someone into a completely different person, just because you want them to be. If that’s the case, why not just stick to your guns and seek out a person who already possesses the qualities you’re trying to force on someone else? Chances are, there isn’t any one person who encompasses EVERY thing on your list of the perfect mate, but why sell yourself short and fool yourself into thinking you can create that desired level of ‘perfection’? It all seems like a set-up for heartbreak to me…
x0x0♥
Imagine how many people (read: women) have been heartbroken because they fell for their significant other, excusing major flaws that they felt they could ‘change’… I mean, granted, there may be things a person is willing to work on in an attempt to gain your love, but I don’t think it’s reasonable or realistic to try to mold someone into a completely different person, just because you want them to be. If that’s the case, why not just stick to your guns and seek out a person who already possesses the qualities you’re trying to force on someone else? Chances are, there isn’t any one person who encompasses EVERY thing on your list of the perfect mate, but why sell yourself short and fool yourself into thinking you can create that desired level of ‘perfection’? It all seems like a set-up for heartbreak to me…
x0x0♥
No More Drama!♥
I find it pretty interesting that so many people see drama-infested relationships as the ‘norm’ and peaceful, compatible, HEALTHY relationships as the exception. This has become more obvious to me as I’ve grown in my own relationship and watched other friends and/or acquaintances either progress or regress in theirs.
It seems like we’re extremely skeptical of the fact that maybe…just maybe…a relationship can function without infidelity, baby mama/daddy drama, etc. Of course, this skepticism is within reason when it comes to some people lol…but where do we draw the line between entering relationships with a healthy level of wariness and entering with a chip on our shoulder? Furthermore, is that wariness/chip going to follow us into every relationship, or are there certain traits in our potential significant others that bring forth our caution and assumptions? If we have to be wary of every person we date, does that mean the potential S.O.s are the problem? Or are we the problem? If you see the same red flags in every potential S.O., maybe you should change your standards…you might find yourself with a little less stress and distrust.
x0x0♥
It seems like we’re extremely skeptical of the fact that maybe…just maybe…a relationship can function without infidelity, baby mama/daddy drama, etc. Of course, this skepticism is within reason when it comes to some people lol…but where do we draw the line between entering relationships with a healthy level of wariness and entering with a chip on our shoulder? Furthermore, is that wariness/chip going to follow us into every relationship, or are there certain traits in our potential significant others that bring forth our caution and assumptions? If we have to be wary of every person we date, does that mean the potential S.O.s are the problem? Or are we the problem? If you see the same red flags in every potential S.O., maybe you should change your standards…you might find yourself with a little less stress and distrust.
x0x0♥
How Can They Talk About our Love?♥
I’m usually wary of giving relationship advice, simply because
1) I’m not a part of that person’s relationship. I don’t know the connection or the emotions, or all the other aspects that are involved in that relationship. I’m just one person, that’s probably been given one side of a story. Who am I to judge? and
2) I truly believe that many people know inside what decisions should be made regarding their relationships, before they even seek out another person’s advice. Maybe it’s our need for validation…
Relationships are so multi-dimensional, that generic advice columns, magazine quizzes, and martini-night table talk don’t always get down to the nitty gritty of solving one’s problems. How can you determine the course of your relationship by reading or listening to everyone else?? A lot of the time, you can get the answers you need from the very person you’re seeking information about: your significant other. You may not get the answer you like, but I’d rather get the painful truth from my S.O. than some co-signing speculations from everywhere else.
When I do give advice, I usually have to give some sort of disclaimer, because some situations are just story-book foolishness, and you have to verbally slap some sense into those who are seeking your guidance lol. I’ve literally experienced a girl figuring out her foolishness right as she was reciting it to me! Like, she had an epiphany right in front of me! Lol…sometimes that’s all it takes is hearing the BS spoken out loud, to make you realize that it stinks. My disclaimer usually consists of “You might not want to hear this, but…“. Some people don’t want to hear your true reaction. Like I’ve said, people like validation. I once had a person flip the script on me, after I voiced my opinion that her boyfriend was CLEARLY cheating on her. All the signs were there, and sure enough (after ceasing our friendship, and staying with her boyfriend), she got to play step-mommy to the child her boyfriend brought home, even though she’d been in a relationship with him for over 2 years. Funny how that math doesn’t add up to him being faithful…
Anyway, after I’d told this girl what I thought of her situation, she flips things around and says “You’re doing that long-distance shit. Your man in probably cheating on you right now!”…this is when I had to let her have it. There are 2 whole states separating my man and me, and I still have more trust and faith in our relationship than couples I know who practically live together, they see each other so often. I’ve never questioned his fidelity. What does that tell you? Distance doesn’t dominate a relationship. If that were the case, how would we explain married men and women who cheat on one another? They’re (usually) sharing a home, and sometimes even finances. Yet, a person finds the time, the opportunity, and the space to cheat. Cheating is not discernable to long-distance or close-proximity relationships. Cheating is perpetrated by people who have a motive, opportunity, and/or means to cheat. Period. Why be in a relationship if the parties don’t trust one another? What’s the point? I’m not down for the whole phone-scrolling, email-hacking, cell phone bill-intercepting drama. I don’t have time. In the time it takes to play Private Eye, I could be actually honing my relationship with my S.O. so that these measures don’t have to be taken. Better yet, if I had to do all that, I’d be reevaluating whether I wanted to salvage that relationship in the first place.
x0x0♥
1) I’m not a part of that person’s relationship. I don’t know the connection or the emotions, or all the other aspects that are involved in that relationship. I’m just one person, that’s probably been given one side of a story. Who am I to judge? and
2) I truly believe that many people know inside what decisions should be made regarding their relationships, before they even seek out another person’s advice. Maybe it’s our need for validation…
Relationships are so multi-dimensional, that generic advice columns, magazine quizzes, and martini-night table talk don’t always get down to the nitty gritty of solving one’s problems. How can you determine the course of your relationship by reading or listening to everyone else?? A lot of the time, you can get the answers you need from the very person you’re seeking information about: your significant other. You may not get the answer you like, but I’d rather get the painful truth from my S.O. than some co-signing speculations from everywhere else.
When I do give advice, I usually have to give some sort of disclaimer, because some situations are just story-book foolishness, and you have to verbally slap some sense into those who are seeking your guidance lol. I’ve literally experienced a girl figuring out her foolishness right as she was reciting it to me! Like, she had an epiphany right in front of me! Lol…sometimes that’s all it takes is hearing the BS spoken out loud, to make you realize that it stinks. My disclaimer usually consists of “You might not want to hear this, but…“. Some people don’t want to hear your true reaction. Like I’ve said, people like validation. I once had a person flip the script on me, after I voiced my opinion that her boyfriend was CLEARLY cheating on her. All the signs were there, and sure enough (after ceasing our friendship, and staying with her boyfriend), she got to play step-mommy to the child her boyfriend brought home, even though she’d been in a relationship with him for over 2 years. Funny how that math doesn’t add up to him being faithful…
Anyway, after I’d told this girl what I thought of her situation, she flips things around and says “You’re doing that long-distance shit. Your man in probably cheating on you right now!”…this is when I had to let her have it. There are 2 whole states separating my man and me, and I still have more trust and faith in our relationship than couples I know who practically live together, they see each other so often. I’ve never questioned his fidelity. What does that tell you? Distance doesn’t dominate a relationship. If that were the case, how would we explain married men and women who cheat on one another? They’re (usually) sharing a home, and sometimes even finances. Yet, a person finds the time, the opportunity, and the space to cheat. Cheating is not discernable to long-distance or close-proximity relationships. Cheating is perpetrated by people who have a motive, opportunity, and/or means to cheat. Period. Why be in a relationship if the parties don’t trust one another? What’s the point? I’m not down for the whole phone-scrolling, email-hacking, cell phone bill-intercepting drama. I don’t have time. In the time it takes to play Private Eye, I could be actually honing my relationship with my S.O. so that these measures don’t have to be taken. Better yet, if I had to do all that, I’d be reevaluating whether I wanted to salvage that relationship in the first place.
x0x0♥
In it For the Long Haul! ♥
I'm in a long-distance relationship. I've been involved with my love for the last 3 years (romantically) but we evolved from acquaintances to friends to best friends prior to "going steady" lol. So when someone asks me about my relationship, and they learn our locational dysfunction, I always get the "What the Hell" face lol. When they find out that my boyfriend is an athlete and member of a fraternity, it's even worse. Frequently asked questions?
1) Why did y'all decide to do that???
2) How do you know he's not cheating on you while he's all the way over there?
3) Do you have a little piece on the side to hold you over? {really? wtf!}
4) How do you keep up with him?
My answers remain the same...
We didn't set out with the idea to become long-distance loves. LoL. Who would do that to themselves?? Lmao. It just sorta happened.
I've never doubted in my mind that my boyfriend was being faithful to me. For one, he's never given me reason to doubt him. That's the problem with relationships today, we go into it thinking that men/women who cheat are the norm, and faithful ones are the exception. For me, I've learned that a strong foundation can completely erase all that. Had my love and I not bonded so much over the period of being friends and best friends, prior to entering a romantic relationship...we probably wouldn't be together. When we enter relationships right after meeting a person, we tend to present this image of what we think the other person wants to see. Think about it, how many times have you met a cutie and tried to act like you were the sweetest, hottest, most chill chick/dude in the world? Knowing good and well that you're a train wreck in the morning and a bitch in the afternoon? Lol....but really though?
It's easier when you've gotten to know...and I mean REALLY know someone...before getting romantic with them. All those things you would normally only tell your girls/homies/diary/journal are the quirks and things that help a person see the real you...and once you've seen someone's REAL self, the petty things don't seem so important in the process it takes to keep a romantic relationship together. That's where my love and I stand. Yes, we're hundreds of miles away, but he's got my heart and I know I have his. Nothing in between those hundreds of miles should change that, and if something were to change it, that would tell me that our foundation wasn't as strong as we thought it was!
So no, there's no "side piece" to hold me over lol...and as far as keeping up with him? We're both grown. College students. I work. He does sports and frat stuff. We have lives of our own, even though our lives are intertwined! I don't want to ever be that girl who calls and texts every second of every minute to see where my man is, who he's with, what he's doing, and what color his draws are lmao. It's unnecessary. And if you think about it, that kind of behavior breaks people up more often than keeping them together. Because I wish a ni**a would be questioning me like that! {enter: neck pop & an eye roll}
My point: When you trust and communicate with someone, anything is possible. Get to know them first. Their qualities, their goals, their needs and wants. All that... in the long run, already knowing that information should help determine IF you should be in a relationship with them, not HOW your relationship operates!
x0x0♥
1) Why did y'all decide to do that???
2) How do you know he's not cheating on you while he's all the way over there?
3) Do you have a little piece on the side to hold you over? {really? wtf!}
4) How do you keep up with him?
My answers remain the same...
We didn't set out with the idea to become long-distance loves. LoL. Who would do that to themselves?? Lmao. It just sorta happened.
I've never doubted in my mind that my boyfriend was being faithful to me. For one, he's never given me reason to doubt him. That's the problem with relationships today, we go into it thinking that men/women who cheat are the norm, and faithful ones are the exception. For me, I've learned that a strong foundation can completely erase all that. Had my love and I not bonded so much over the period of being friends and best friends, prior to entering a romantic relationship...we probably wouldn't be together. When we enter relationships right after meeting a person, we tend to present this image of what we think the other person wants to see. Think about it, how many times have you met a cutie and tried to act like you were the sweetest, hottest, most chill chick/dude in the world? Knowing good and well that you're a train wreck in the morning and a bitch in the afternoon? Lol....but really though?
It's easier when you've gotten to know...and I mean REALLY know someone...before getting romantic with them. All those things you would normally only tell your girls/homies/diary/journal are the quirks and things that help a person see the real you...and once you've seen someone's REAL self, the petty things don't seem so important in the process it takes to keep a romantic relationship together. That's where my love and I stand. Yes, we're hundreds of miles away, but he's got my heart and I know I have his. Nothing in between those hundreds of miles should change that, and if something were to change it, that would tell me that our foundation wasn't as strong as we thought it was!
So no, there's no "side piece" to hold me over lol...and as far as keeping up with him? We're both grown. College students. I work. He does sports and frat stuff. We have lives of our own, even though our lives are intertwined! I don't want to ever be that girl who calls and texts every second of every minute to see where my man is, who he's with, what he's doing, and what color his draws are lmao. It's unnecessary. And if you think about it, that kind of behavior breaks people up more often than keeping them together. Because I wish a ni**a would be questioning me like that! {enter: neck pop & an eye roll}
My point: When you trust and communicate with someone, anything is possible. Get to know them first. Their qualities, their goals, their needs and wants. All that... in the long run, already knowing that information should help determine IF you should be in a relationship with them, not HOW your relationship operates!
x0x0♥
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
