This should be ridiculously obvious at this point, so I'll keep it short and sweet...
Mommy, I miss you. But it's ok. We'll reunite one day! Until then, please know that you raised an amazingly intelligent, perceptive, nurturing, strong-willed, fabulous, classy daughter... and your son isn't so bad either lol! Thanks for preparing me for this big, bad world out here. I'm forever indebted and grateful. You're the Queen of My Heart...and your love is like tears from the stars.
Love Always,
Your First Born♥
Dear Daddy,
You are a CHARACTER! Lol... I thank God for you all the time, because I see all around me the consequences of fathers not being in their children's lives. It's so obvious, in a lot of people, that they needed that male guidance as they grew up. I have so much respect for you stepping up and making my brother always feel as though you were his Daddy, and treating him no differently than you treat me. He's a mess, but he's a great kid, and unfortunately his own "father" won't know this because he's too sorry to--wait this letter is strictly for my own Daddy--...This makes me even more thankful for you. Of course our family was nowhere near perfect, but you always made me feel loved and cherished, as your princess, and your only {biological} child. So even in your absences, I felt your presence ALWAYS. For that, I'm eternally grateful...Because of you, I know my worth. I know what to demand from life, what to expect, and what not to accept. I know that I can call you, anytime, no matter what the reason. I know that if someone mistreats me, they have both my daddies (you and Him) to deal with! Even though things could never get perfectly right between you and Mommy, it didn't make me love either of you any less. Romantically, things didn't work out but I for one am thankful for the love you two had for each other, that I could always feel. It's what created me, and gave you two a life-long bond to share. The fact that you weren't married, or even together for a long time didn't take away from that. Now that you're remarried, and left me up here in Ohio!! relocated to FL, I still feel the same...that lets me know that despite location, or added family, you're still my Daddy, and I'm still your Princess. I won't get into specifics, but I'm so proud of the progress you've made. Cleveland was no good for you...a change in scenery, in location, in the company you keep...goes a long way. I pray that everything remains fulfilling for you in Tallahassee, and that you're happy, because I've never been more proud of you, as a man, than I am right now. You're taking care of business, staying out of trouble, and you're safe. That's everything I could hope for! Keep making me proud, and I'll keep doing the same!
Love Always,
Your Princess.♥
It's funny that the Letter to my Parents fell on today (August 16th). Before I start, I'd like to wish my late mother a Happy 44th Birthday. This post is going to be dedicated solely to her, and I'll write a continuation for my Daddy.♥
Dear Mommy,
I miss you so much more than I'll ever be able to find words to express...If I could just see your face, or hear your voice one more time, I'd be set. At least then I'd know to cherish the view/sound as though it were my last. Because I didn't know, two years ago, that it would be.
There are so many things that I wish I could share with you, and tell you in this letter, and feel with you. It's your birthday, which is usually already rough enough for me, so I don't think I can handle getting too deep into the letter today. But who knows, writing has always been therapeutic for me. So we'll just see where the letter goes...I'm happy for you, because watching you live in pain took more out of me than I realized. So now, if everything I was raised to believe is true, you're in Heaven, looking and feeling like a million bucks...no more chemo, no more radiation...just enjoying your healthy Heavenly body. So I have to lean on faith, because if nothing else, I have to believe that when you left me, you went to this magical place in the sky, where God is taking care of you until we all meet again. I need faith in that, in order to get me through everyday life here on Earth.
I miss your voice, and your smile, even your frown. I know there was a period where you and I just couldn't get along, and it took a lot of maturing (and psych classes) for me to understand why...I see so much of you in myself, it's kind of uncanny. So I realize that at the time, you saw yourself in me as well, and maybe the arguments and fussing were just a way for you to try and keep me from making mistakes you'd made at my age. And it's okay...I no longer hold onto all the negative things that happened between us. I've let them go.
When you were sick, I was here in college, and I felt this animosity...this guilt... in the back of my mind for SO long, that I should have left school. I should have been there. You don't know what I would have given to see your face every morning, while it was still here for me to see...its bittersweet, though, because seeing you in constant medication-managed pain everyday could have taken an even worse toll on me, than not being there at all. So I guess God really does work in mysterious ways. You made me promise to stay in school, and I did...I did it all for you, to make you proud. I can feel you, too. It's weird, because I really can feel your presence. I used to think that was cliche for people to say after they'd lost someone. I've felt you with me every morning when I wake up, and every step of the way, and I know you'll be there with me on December 18th when Graduation Day finally marks the culmination of all OUR hard work over the past 22 years. You'll be with me on my wedding day, and with me when I become a mother...and hopefully you'll still guide my decisions and actions even from the heavenly couch you're up there relaxing on. So again, Happy Birthday, Mommy. I love you to the end of time and back...♥
Love Always,
Your Daughter
My philosophy for a long time has been this: If you can't talk about it, write about it...
WARNING: This isn't gonna be a happy, perky little post. So if you mind my temporary morbidity, this is your cue.
Anyway, I'm currently taking a course called Lifespan Developmental PSY, and naturally since this is the end of the session, our final chapter of discussion today was on death and dying. It was pretty rough, and had I glanced at my printed out Powerpoint notes ahead of time, I'd have been more prepared for what was to come...but alas, I guess I like the element of surprise, as I never read them until we're going over them in class.
A few interesting topics came up, and had I been able to put my own issues to the side, I think I may have contributed a lot more to the discussion. Death isn't really something people like to talk about, so the "discussion" was pretty much one-sided, with my professor speaking the majority of the time. One of the topics that kind of irritated yet intrigued me...was the issue that some say spouses grieve more for a dying spouse than children grieve for a parent. Yes, you read correctly, but I'll give you a moment to re-read that statement for clarification.
Imagine my irritation...
This is where I finally had to clear the throat up and speak...since no one else wanted to.
For those who aren't aware, I lost my mother to colon cancer 2 years ago. She was diagnosed extremely late, and 7 months post-diagnosis, she passed away. Since then, a number of times I've had people ask me how do you get over the loss so quickly...it sorta makes me want to slap people. I'm not over losing my mother. I'll never be 'over' it. When I think about the moment I was lying in my dorm, and woke up to that phone call from my mother...the pain is still just as fresh as it was on February 4, 2008. I remember the exact words, my exact reaction, and other things about that day, that I'd rather not go into. Point being, this isn't something you just 'get over'. And after I lose the urge to introduce my hands to someone's face, I realize that perhaps they really don't mean any harm. To the outsider, it may appear as though I've "gotten over" my mother's death. I go through each day, laughing and smiling, carrying on conversations about random things, and just living my life...but I do all this out of necessity, not passivity. I have to find ways to keep busy, and move forward, because if I take a few moments and let my mind wander to the point of missing my mother, I'll feel incapacitated.... I'll be allowing myself to break down, and experience those feelings I felt two years ago as my 14 year old brother and I pulled the blanket thingy over my mother's face before her casket was closed...and that, as touching as it was for other people, is NOT a moment I like to relive. That is not the state of mind I want to be in... so I live. I laugh. I love... and I do all this, knowing that it's what keeps me sane. It's what helps me sleep at night, without waking up thinking I hear my mom in the shower getting ready for work...or her music playing from the dining room...or her keys jingling when she walks in the door.
Back to my point...
I just feel like grief is kind of a blanket term. I don't believe on relative would mourn a person's death any more than another relative...I think there are different things being grieved. I lost my mother...the person who carried me, gave birth to me, taught me, guided me, tried to keep me from life's mistakes...I lost that. But my loss isn't any more important than my grandmother's, who lost her first child; or my daddy's, who lost the woman he'd been loving since they were in the single age digits. We all lost one person, but we lost many different things...my father doesn't know how I feel each day. His mother, my beautiful grandma, is alive and well...just a phone call away. I don't know how he feels...I don't have anyone I've loved romantically for over 4 decades. There are so many ties that bind us to one another, and when those ties are broken, people can sympathize all they want, but nothing compares unless you've experienced the same loss.
So...yeah, that's all. I know it's pretty long, but it's what I needed to get off my chest. If you made it this far, thanks for reading lol
x0x0♥
So I was discussing 'Good' and 'Bad' hair and all that jazz with a friend of mine, and I ended up taking a look back at an old post of mine...and I realized that, with all the things we can do to our hair, I believe our most prized possession is...choice. It's something that so many Black women don't realize they have...A lot of us are stripped of that choice when we're young, as I was. I honestly can't even remember how old I was when I began getting relaxers in my hair, but I've had them as long as I can remember. My hair has always been so thick and, as some would call it, unmanageable. So my mother, being a single working mom of two, did the easiest thing she knew how: she began to relax my hair. I wasn't old enough to realize the effect, besides my hair being straight and not having to cringe when someone pulled a comb through it (I was, and still am, what we call "tender-headed") lol...and I don't fault my mother. She took care of my hair as best as she could. The fact is, so many Black women don't dedicate the time necessary to nurturing what's naturally ours. We'd rather let chemicals become a quick fix, and before we know it, our hair doesn't know how to function without it. Our manes start craving that creamy crack every few weeks.
I just wish parents would give their kids the choice. Why disrupt a natural process of growth to save yourself a couple minutes of work? I posted a pic of myself at age 5...that's what my hair looked like before I began getting relaxers. Disregard my eyebrows...please! That's a whole 'nother story! LoL...but my point is, I look back at this pic and I don't see "good" or "bad" hair. I see me! And caterpillar-brows and all, I adore this picture. I've wondered for years now what my hair would look and feel like today, had the creamy crack epidemic never hit it. Today, I've learned how to love my hair, no matter how many combs I've ruined or how long it takes to wash, dry, and style my curly madness. It's mine, and I love it...so I'm willing to put as much time as it takes into maintaining it!
x0x0♥
Since my mother passed away (February 3, 2008) I made it through Mother's Day with no tears...no sadness. I was able to go home for the weekend and spend time with my family, and catch up. It felt really good. Peaceful. I think a part of me has always felt like it would be disrespectful to my mother if I let holidays and birthdays go by without shedding tears. My religious upbringing tells me that she's in a better place. So that brings me some inner peace. I just miss her so much... I felt like I cried when I shouldn't, and had no tears when I should be crying. But now, I've realized that I have much to be thankful for. I still have an enormous family left behind, people who adore me and always have. I have a wonderful boyfriend who, even when we butt heads, loves me to death. I have a handful of real, amazing friends who make it their job to encourage me, and keep me in good spirits. I have an entire life ahead of me here on earth. I'd say tears aren't so necessary. Everything my mother would have done physically if she were still here can still be done spiritually now that she's gone. I can close my eyes and hear her voice. Pictures of her are worth way more than a thousand words. I even keep a small bottle of her perfume. Not to use...but sometimes all it takes is her scent to comfort me. My mother's love didn't stop when her heartbeat did... and for that, I'm also thankful.
x0x0♥
What a week I had...glad that another one is coming up. Fresh.
Last week I was in thee gloomiest of moods, and once again thanks to all of you who gave words of encouragement on my last post. I really do appreciate it! The day didn't go so bad. I kept busy, and I tried not to let my mind wander to any dark, sad places!
I completely forgot about an exam I had due on Friday in my online Clinical PSY class {the danger of online courses} so I spent literally the entire day studying. It paid off, though. Got a 94. Could've been better, but it's only the first exam.
Things are looking up at work. I still want another job, though. But for the time being, I'm fine. I don't remember if I told you guys (and I'm too lazy to look) but I had an issue with the management in my store because they acted like they didn't want me taking my spring break week off to visit my boyfriend in Iowa. I haven't seen him since he was here for my birthday back in late July/early August. Soooo I had a pissy attitude. Which is NOT pretty. But everything is fine now. Didn't get my week off, but it doesn't matter because I'm going the weekend after next. Excited. YaY! We really need this Q-time. Long distance is stressful... I'm considering going out there for grad school...which is a whole 'nother post. We'll see...
Speaking of the sig. other, I spent like a half hour earlier deleting like EVERYONE from my face.book page. Like a LOT of people. Only 54 people made the cut. That includes my family (blood or otherwise), my man, my best friends, and some friends that I couldn't bear to delete. Everyone else was just taking up space. I was on a rampage... Apparently one or more of my boyfriend's friends/schoolmates/teammates/whoever felt the need to run and report to him every time I do anything on FB. Doesn't matter that I'm not doing anything inappropriate at all...all I do is change my status, comment on other statuses, and talk to my BFF who lives out there in Iowa... ((Oh yeah, y'all remember this post? Well a couple months ago she called me out of the blue, and long story short, we're back to being friends again.)) But anyway, yeah so this FB thing blew me away because basically my boyfriend never gets on there, and I guess whatever someone told him made him jealous, even though he wouldn't admit it. So long story short, has anyone ever seen that episode of The Game where Melanie chops her hair off as a way of cutting off her feelings, and I guess making a fresh start? Well thats kinda what I did with the FB friends list. I feel better, too. I deleted ALL his friends. IDK who the so-called snitch is {even though 'snitch' implies that I did something wrong} but now it doesn't matter because none of them can see my page. I deleted all the other people because...well I don't talk to them anyway. And I could honestly care less about their lives. It's mostly old schoolmates. Who I didn't even talk to when we were in school together lmao. Good Riddance!
x0x0♥
So I'm keeping myself busy for the day, because I don't want my mind wandering. Not much to say right now, but just keep my family and I in your prayers. Today marks the second year since I lost my mother to colon cancer, and it's still pretty fresh. My brother doesn't handle this day so well, but he's a boy so you know he doesn't want to talk about it. It's a rough day for the both of us...So just keep us in your prayers.
x0x0
This should be ridiculously obvious at this point, so I'll keep it short and sweet... 
