Acknowledgement.

At this point in my life, I'm craving acknowledgement. It's something that I need, maybe as a meal for my ego. A security blanket. I don't know...I just need it.

Insecurity creeps in when you've been through certain situations that leave you with a feeling of loss, and no closure. I'm in a bad headspace because I feel that this is contradictory to my usual secure, self-sufficient attitude. Then that makes me wonder...is the insecurity something that's REALLY representative of who I am? Is the uber secure, self-sufficient attitude just something I present as a defense mechanism? I feel like looking into myself and not being afraid of self-reflection is very necessary...yet very frightening. But as always, that's what my writing helps me do. I start with a one word focus point, and I just write. I purge. I get out everything that I can, because I love the feeling I get once im done. It's kinda like when you're sick, and throwing up is the ONLY thing that makes you feel better...even though it SUCKS.

 So naturally I've realized that I have a problem with bottling up emotions lol. This post is all over the place. I have no idea where it's going to take me. It's already so long, and I have so much more to purge. I could probably go through and break this down into 7 separate posts, but hey. Whatever. AintNobodyGotTimeFaDat.

But really. I've been thinking about my tendency to bottle up emotions, and I feel that, with many people in my life, I'm afraid to speak certain emotions into existence. Acknowledging this is EXTREMELY difficult, but its a very big step for me. Ultimately, I know that I'll never resolve this if I don't address it full on. As a child, I was raised primarily by my late mother, and her mother. Looking back, I never really had emotion-laced discussions with my mother. There was always a disconnect in that department, and I couldn't understand why. Its the thing that I regret most in life, as I didn't ultimately resolve this before my mom passed away in 2008. So it's something I feel will haunt me for a long time. I mean my mom loved me. She took care of me. Her actions usually assured me that, as her child, I was very valuable to her...but these words were hardly ever spoken. I couldn't tell you the number of times I heard "I love you" from her...Mostly because I can't remember them. I do know that I could probably count them on one hand. I remember attempting to open that door of discussion one day, and being brushed off. I was so sensitive to the perceived rejection that I never tried to step out on that limb again.  It wasn't until I became older that I realized, HER mother (my infamous granny)  is the same way. There's a pattern of stunted emotional growth, and it's weighed heavily on family dynamic. Even though I was raised in the household of maternal family, my father's family is the opposite. Very fun-loving, relaxed, open people. Emotionally available. And I've therefore always been drawn towards them more. It was very confusing as a child to endure those conflicting sets of feelings. As an adult, it hasn't gotten easier...the only difference is that I am now able to delve into those feelings. Comprehend them a little more.

Fast-forward, I feel myself facing the same conflict in my current....thing. I want to call it a relationship. But it isn't. Which is exactly what prompted this round of self-reflection and evaluation.

I feel that...things aren't what I want them to be, and that something is blocking me from speaking up, and making this known. I have brought up the issue to him, jokingly, because well...I'm passive like that apparently. I was shot down, which made me withdraw back from placing that issue on the table. I haven't brought it up since. So I guess the "something" blocking me is fear. 

I'm afraid of being shot down again.

I'm afraid of being vulnerable.

I'm afraid of being left.

I'm afraid of being judged.

I'm afraid of being rejected

I'm afraid to love, because...

I'm afraid of being hurt.

Again.

...I guess acknowledgement really is the first step to recovery.

Day 17--Letter to Someone from My Childhood.♥

Dear Tay,
I miss you! I was just telling someone the other day about how you and I were thick as thieves when we were growing up on 131st lol! You were like the big brother I never had! As soon as I saw this topic, I immediately knew I was gonna write it to/about you, because all my childhood memories pretty much include you and our family (especially the funny ones lol). Remember when we got in trouble for taking that money, splitting it, and trying to spend it all at the corner store? Lol.... Remember when we used to sit at Grampie's bar, or in Grandma's room in the big chair and watch cartoons, eating cereal? Remember lazy summer days, riding our bikes up and down the street, and sometimes sneaking and riding around the block on Ferris, even though we weren't supposed to? Remember you teaching me how to ride without training wheels??? Lol. Random stuff, but it's always ingrained in my memory because life was so simple and easy and free (literally and figuratively lol) back then! You guys' house was like my second home lol! I was so sad when you moved! Even though it's more recent, I also remember the talk you and I had right after my mom's funeral. You'll never know how much I needed that....but then again, you're the only one who actually did know. I've missed Aunt Gina so much since she's been gone...and although I wish she and my mom could still be here with us today, I was grateful to have you to talk to. Sympathy is appreciated, but you actually knew/know the pain I feel inside! You were always my favorite cousin, and even though we're all grown now and life's taken charge of the daily routines and responsibilities we all have, I know that if I needed you and I made that phone call, you'd be there! Love you, and Diana, and my FatMan for life! 
Love Always, 
Your Favorite Cousin Ever in the History of Life lol x0x0 ♥

What is It?? ♥

I was browsing another website when I saw a post about a book entitled Losing My Cool: How a Father’s Love and 15,000 Books Beat Hip-Hop Culture by Thomas Chatterton Williams. In his text, Williams looks at how Hip-Hop has basically become a pervasive detriment to our community; Hip-Hop Culture has replaced Black Culture.
I want to read this book, so when I do I’ll offer an actual opinion on it. Although the book is new to me, the argument isn’t. I’ve heard it countless times since I’ve been in college, around people who are actually willing to step back and take a look at the reality of what our “culture” has become, without being too defensive to see the real deal. That being said, I agree with some aspects of Mr. Williams’ argument. 
I don’t think Hip-Hop is to blame for what’s going on in households and street corners around the world. Period, point blank. I do, however, believe that somewhere along the line, the world’s image of a Black person became that “thugged-out”, sperm-donating, baggy-pants wearing, cornrow rockin’ jewelry-laced person that can be seen on TV at any given time in the day. This has become what people expect of us. I wrote a post back when the BET series Harlem Heights aired, and I mentioned that Black people don’t respond to shows that try to represent our race in a positive light. We’d rather see ourselves on TV acting a damn fool. I’m willing to bet that a lot of kids under 18 today have never even watched such things as The Cosby Show, A Different World, etc. It’s not fast-paced enough for many of these kids, who are being raised in the world of reality TV and 106th & Park. However, I don’t blame hip-hop.
It is my opinion, as a Black, 21 year old, hood-born-and-raised woman in America, that families are at the core of responsibility. Individuals and their choices. People have dropped the ball in generations as of late, and no one seems strong enough (or willing) to look in the mirror and acknowledge what is so apparent. Isn't acknowledging a problem the first step to fixing it? If we never take that step, what is the fate of our Black Community? Yes, there are things that have happened in this world to us as a people. But what about the things we continuously do to ourselves and to one another? What about darkskin vs. lightskin? What about “good hair” vs. “nappy hair”? What about “acting White” vs. “acting Black”? I doubt that Hip-Hop put those drugs into the hands of drug dealers and the fiends they’re accustomed to serving. Hip-Hop isn’t the culprit of a person beating his/her spouse, children, etc. I think it’s weak-minded of anyone to suggest that a genre of music has infiltrated his/her daily life to the point where it changes them for the worst. Where is our common sense???
A lot of us seem to have internalized the idea that to be Black is to be dumbed-down, inarticulate, hyper sexualized, etc…all while rocking the latest styles. It’s pretty ridiculous, right? Kids are afraid to show their intelligence because someone will accuse them of being an “Oreo” or “acting White”. So the smart kids sit in class, keeping answers to themselves, purposely inserting slang and ebonics into their everyday vernacular, just to satisfy someone else’s internalized ignorance. It hurts my soul…pushing past stereotypes is something we simply need to develop the strength to do.
I was born and raised in Cleveland, Ohio. The real Cleveland, not the surrounding areas where all the White people live/used to live before Black people moved in and “chased them away”. I live in the Cleveland where there’s literally an abandoned home next door, a crack house across the street, another couple crack houses down the street, an Arab-owned store on the corner, right next to a church, and a prostitute who’s walked our block for as long as I can remember, with her short cut blond hair and her missing front teeth. That’s where I’ve lived. I was raised, like so many others, by my mother and her mother, with my father heavily in the picture as well, just not living in the household. I grew up riding my bike around the block, buying candy from the corner store, and I grew up listening to Hip-Hop. However I am not a typical product of my environment. I don’t steal, I don’t do drugs, I don’t have any children/pregnancies/abortions, I’m a semester away from earning my first college degree, and I have every intention of earning at least one more. Every free moment I have is spent listening to music, especially Hip-Hop. So I ask you, is Hip-Hop really to blame?
To sum it all up (because I know some people love lists and bullet points and whatnot):
It is not Hip-Hop's job to:
1) Raise your children.
2) Be a role model for your children.
3) Teach your children how to excel.
4) Provide a blueprint to success.
At best, Hip-Hop is an art form, used to relay the emotions and thoughts of our people, in a way that uplifts our spirits while putting a creative spin on our reality.
At worst, Hip-Hop is just another form of cheap entertainment, a business designed to exploit our people by promising us the very thing that we've been trying to gain for decades on this continent: wealth. 
Either way, there is so much more out there for all of us. The problem is lack of encouragement and knowledge being instilled in our children, to let them know that they ARE more than the clothes they "rock" and the cell phones, iPods, and gadgets they own. The potential is limitless, but it means nothing without desire to do better...
x0x0♥

For the First Time...

Since my mother passed away (February 3, 2008) I made it through Mother's Day with no tears...no sadness. I was able to go home for the weekend and spend time with my family, and catch up. It felt really good. Peaceful. I think a part of me has always felt like it would be disrespectful to my mother if I let holidays and birthdays go by without shedding tears. My religious upbringing tells me that she's in a better place. So that brings me some inner peace. I just miss her so much... I felt like I cried when I shouldn't, and had no tears when I should be crying. But now, I've realized that I have much to be thankful for. I still have an enormous family left behind, people who adore me and always have. I have a wonderful boyfriend who, even when we butt heads, loves me to death. I have a handful of real, amazing friends who make it their job to encourage me, and keep me in good spirits. I have an entire life ahead of me here on earth. I'd say tears aren't so necessary. Everything my mother would have done physically if she were still here can still be done spiritually now that she's gone. I can close my eyes and hear her voice. Pictures of her are worth way more than a thousand words. I even keep a small bottle of her perfume. Not to use...but sometimes all it takes is her scent to comfort me. My mother's love didn't stop when her heartbeat did... and for that, I'm also thankful. 
x0x0♥

Strength, Courage, & Wisdom...♥

"Nothing shines brighter than a good soul..." --Journey, over at The Soul of it All


I haven't blogged in a week or so, and I've been catching up on all your blogs, but I didn't know what to write about on my own. Until I read this quote. It just spoke to me, and to my current emotional situation. 
I was, as Jill Scott would say, in a bad headspace last week. There was much to be excited about, with my dad's wedding and finally spending an Easter at home, but in the midst of all that, there are things that occurred that weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I don't really feel like getting into the details, because I'm finally on the road to feeling like myself again...not the unhappy me that I've felt like lately. 
All I'll say is that at the end of the day, we all need to purge and do what it takes to make ourselves happy. Whether that happiness comes from writing, singing, talking, working out, crying...whatever. Just take care of your heart and soul as best as you know how. When you're happy...I mean really, truly happy, from the inside out... you feel better. Your aura is better, and people gravitate towards the happiness that's radiating from you. True happiness is something that people and things can't take away from you. 
I'd love to be one of those truly happy people, but at the moment, I'm not. There are things that I've let dictate my happiness for so long, that I have to get back to that place in my head and heart where I feel in charge, and free from all the BS. I want to get back to being the girl who just looks...happy. 


Now that the formalities are out of the way.... the wedding was great! My first time being a bridesmaid. We're having technical difficulties with the personal pics (read: someone's camera is jacked up) but the professional ones should be ready soon. Everything ran smoothly, and now my stepmom is officially my stepmom, even though she's always been my stepmom lol. Long story. 
School is almost over. 3 more weeks, then finals. I'll have a lil' break, then it's right back to the books for the summer. I've done GREAT this semester, in every class. I haven't felt that optimistic in a long time, and it's feeling good. 3 more classes this summer, then an externship this fall stand between me and my first degree. Now that's a good headspace to be in. When people fail you, you've always got yourself, your sanity, and your success to fall back on. 
x0x0♥

Catch-Up♥

Hey all! Another busy couple of weeks, so I haven't been blogging much. I've been checking up on a lot of you guys' blogs, though. So I just thought I'd stop neglecting my blog and at least fill you guys in what's been up with me!

1) It's my last year of undergrad. I have 3 more classes to take this summer (one is a re-take of a class that I got a D in, the semester my mom passed away) and then I'm excited because I finally got into an externship program at the elementary school across the street from my house. So I'll be doing that this Fall. Then I'll officially have my degree.


2) On Thursday (March 18th), my best friend here in my college town gave birth to her first child, Jonathan Jr. He's my Snookie. I watched him being born (yes, I've seen my best friend's vagina. Our friendship is now cemented in stone) and when he was born, he was looking over at me. With these gorgeous gray eyes. I'm telling you, there's nothing like the experience of watching a child being born. My bestie has knocked out marriage, first child, and (soon to be) college graduation all in one semester. I'm so happy for her!


3) I hate group projects. I work so much better on my own, at my own pace, with my own standards. I can't stand depending on people because they always seem to either be doing TOO much, or not doing enough. Then I have to worry about how their hot messiness is going to affect MY grade. Ugh.


4) My daddy is getting married on April 3rd. YaY! I'm not too enthused about being a bridesmaid, but I'm his only child, so whatever...


5) I've been really happy lately, for whatever reason. I'm not questioning or complaining, though. There are so many unhappy people in the world, that I'm thankful for any and all moments of peace that I can get!


That's all I've got for now. CSI is on. Gotta concentrate lol. 
x0x0♥

Spring Break! ♥

I'm officially on Spring Break...as of this past Thursday evening.

I'm loving it! I plan on doing absolutely nothing...well, besides the few days I have to work, which I won't complain about since this skeezer FINALLY got the ax resigned from her position. Life IS indeed good...
Anywho, since I already took my lil' mini vacation (lol) I'm just maxxin and relaxxin...listening to the new Raheem DeVaughn ,shuffled in with the old, forever-emblazoned-in-my-heart Raheem, of course. I don't know what it is about that man's voice but it does warm, fuzzy, heart-fluttery things to me...and I love it! In the car, at home, wherever! That's called quality music...I know I used this pic in my Valentine's Day post, but I think it's so adorable that it's definitely worth posting again lol :-)
I'm currently working on an essay about how the Black Family is under/misrepresented in the media, and how this under/misrepresentation is effecting upcoming generations, which are coincidentally ALL wrapped up in the media. It's a topic that just kinda came to me, as I was looking at a photograph of this gorgeous, young married couple I know. It's crazy because if one were to rely on the media's representation of Black Love, they'd be led to believe that...well...there is no love. We're just a bunch of unwed, unloved, unloving babymamas/daddies running rampant. There ARE loving relationships among a lot of Black people. There ARE couples who marry, and raise beautiful families, and live the so-called American dream. But again, one would never know that if they relied on the media's representation of our people. So...yeah. I'm excited to write about such a topic. 
x0x0♥

I Am...♥

Sleepy, but trying to motivate myself to clean my house up before work (I know I won't feel like it afterwards!)
Happy, because this time next week I'll be in Cedar Falls (Iowa) with my love...on cloud 9.
Anxious, because I'm ready to leave. NOW!
Determined to make today a great day. Waking up to sunshine and turning on some good music will do that to ya!
Loving my life right now, and all the people in it. And all the clutter I've eliminated from it.
Cold, because of the draft coming through the window next to my computer desk...but I like to look outside while I blog and ish. 
Excited, because I've been sans-creamy crack (relaxer) since May now, and yesterday a young man at my job complimented me on my au-natural look. My hair hadn't been "done" in about 5 days... I did a curly set on like...I don't even remember what day last week. My hair is still looking great. Speaking of that, I'm
Thankful that I can sleep, wake up, remove my satin sleep cap, and GO! No extra hair junk needed!
Sad, because my beautiful younger cousin is now one of "those girls" at school who gets picked on because she "thinks she's all that"...and has been suspended for defending herself from a jealous girl who yanked her hair because she wanted to see if it was fake. When will our young ladies stop hating one another??
x0x0♥

It's That Time of Year Again...♥

So I'm keeping myself busy for the day, because I don't want my mind wandering. Not much to say right now, but just keep my family and I in your prayers. Today marks the second year since I lost my mother to colon cancer, and it's still pretty fresh. My brother doesn't handle this day so well, but he's a boy so you know he doesn't want to talk about it. It's a rough day for the both of us...So just keep us in your prayers. 

x0x0

NYE & ish...♥

Hey guys! Hope everyone had a safe and Happy New Year.
I actually had a nice one. Had to work NYE, but the mall closed early so I had time to drive to my hometown and go to my best friend's birthday party. Yes, she's a NYE baby. Lol... then her brother threw her an after party on Friday night. Fun times at house parties in the hood. I felt sooo out of place. But whatever. My best friend is like the one college girl out of an extrEMELY hood family. Lol. They call her the white girl of the family. That gets on my nerves...but you know how our people do. Anyway, yeah I'm definitely not the party girl. I didn't know half the music being played. Lil' Boosie sounds like Trina to me... and they were listening to somebody named Waka Flaka... I don't even have words to describe the whackness. So yeah...basically I was not hip AT ALL. But it was for my best friend. So I had fun.
Got some free laundry done at Grandma's house.
It's always fun to go home...however I've never been so happy to be back in my own apartment. Where I can take long showers, walk around in a t-shirt, and sleep as late as I want. My granny is a busybody, and she usually doesn't sleep past 8am. When I don't have work or school, I can sleep up til like noon. Lol. She does not  approve.
Anyway, now I'm just coolin. Waiting for school to resume. I'm ready. Holiday season is over. That means these lazy seasonals are headed out the door. That makes me extremely happy. They suck at life. Who applies for a seasonal position then gets mad that they have to work near holidays? Do you not realize that that's the only purpose you serve here? SMH...
I'm planning something for Valentine's Day with the Honeydip. Don't know what yet, but something. Definitely haven't seen him since my birthday. My birthday was in July. Not cool... 
x0x0♥

Vibe...♥

Sooo Happy Belated Holidays! Lol...
My break has been pretty uneventful thus far. I'm kinda boring, I guess...in a sense that I'd rather be at home or in a lounuge somewhere listening to music, or writing, than out partying and clubbing. So during the holidays, I'm content staying in, vibing with family. And my iTunes library. So that's exactly what I did. Also, there was a Criminal Minds marathon on A&E...you KNOW I was glued to the television all day lol. 
My baby brother came to town and spent the week with me. {BTW, as I typed that last sentence, I realized that it's after midnight, which means it's my baby brother's 15th birthday. I stop typing my blog and call him, and this ninja doesn't even answer the phone! SMH!} He just went home today, which means my home is back to no more stinky socks and food wrappers everywhere. Don't ask.
My hair is kinda beginning to take on a life of it's own. But I like it... It's getting big, and free, and...well...me. I love it. Sometimes I think about feeding it a taste of that creamy crack, but the progress my hair's made isn't worth it. So I'll keep loving my big, gorgeous curls! Lol.
I've been watching the movie Love Jones like every night lately...it's almost becoming a compulsion. The strange part is that I watch the movie as much for the music as I do for the film itself. Have you ever listened to the Love Jones Soundtrack? I love it! It's been in heavy rotation... It even has Darius & Nina's poems from the movie. Larenz Tate is still the blues in our left thighs and trying to become the funk in our right.... that man... lol. My favorite Coltrane-featured piece (In a Sentimental Mood) is also on the soundtrack, and that makes me smile with my heart.
x0x0♥

UnGRATEful B*tches...♥

The stupidity that seeps from peoples' mouths never ceases to amaze me.

OK, so I have this cousin who attends my school. She's a sophomore, though. Young and dumb. And lazy. Spoiled. All that good stuff...

So anyway, we didn't really fall out, I kinda just cut her off a month or two ago, because she's one of those people who only calls/texts/facebooks you when they need something. I don't play that. I have no children, and it's enough work taking care of myself. Why the hell would I waste my life taking care of you too? I mean, it started off small. Asking for a ride here and there, which irritates me enough as it is. But this chick had the audacity to ask me if she could borrow one of my TVs. Seriously?? My first thought: What the hell kinda crackhead azz question is that?? People ask to borrow ink pens, or flat irons (and that's pushing it)....but a TV?? So I politely told her no. I don't have a TV you can borrow. We haven't really talked since then, which quite frankly is fine with me. 

Fast forward:

I stop to see my Daddy before I left my hometown last weekend. He tells me that over Thanksgiving dinner, he was asking how everyone was doing in school and whatnot, and he asked my cousin if she'd found a job yet. Her response was that she hadn't found a job because I wasn't helping her, and she couldn't work at the mall because if she did, I wouldn't take her and pick her up from work. 

Now...at this point, I'm laughing. And it wasn't a "Wow, that's hilarious" laugh...it was more like one of those laughs some of us get before we commence to hurting somebody's feelings, and calling them everything but a child of God. I was LiVid!

1) Why are you talking ish about me to our family, making me look like this evil ass meanie?

I know, my family knows me enough to see through her BS, but still...it's the principle.

2) You're a damn lie!

Hell, I've done everything but fill out the freakin' applications and go on interviews for your ass! WTF?? Prime example:: I was chatting with a girl in my class who works at the student rec center, and she mentioned that they were looking to hire freshmen and sophomores who'd be able to work for a couple years, instead of having to hire and train new people each semester. Perfect for her! It's on campus (she has no car) and it's easy (all they have to do is like swipe people's ID when they enter the rec)...what more could you ask for?? 

Told her about the job opening, even told her that she could apply online! Spoke to her a few weeks later and guess what? She'd never even pursued it. 

Then you sit and tell people I'M not helping you? B*tch please. SMH. Don't even get me started on the "she won't take me and pick me up" comment. Once again, SMH...

x0x0♥

T.G.I.A.B.F.A. (Thank Gawd it Ain't Black Friday Anymore) ♥

1) My grandma loves me SOO much that she made me my own mini Thanksgiving dinner to take back to my home, since I missed actual Thanksgiving Day here with the family. (I live in a different city, and decided it would be whack to drive to my hometown and have to go right back for my 6 AM Black Friday shift at work)
2) Speaking of Black Friday, how is it that thee brokest, complaining-est people (everything coming out of their mouths is preceeded by "It's a recession!") had the money to come to the mall and shop yesterday?? As I watched people walk around like zombies, looking like they rolled out of the pits of Hell bed and into the mall, I'm thinking Hmm, I wonder which of your bills you DIDN'T pay with that money you're up here spending...We all know how people around here love to prioritize!!
3) It was so amusing to see all these women in and out of stores, while their men were sitting in the seats in the main walkways of the mall, or even curled up asleep in the corner. No, really. Knocked out. Wish I'd taken a picture lol.
4) Why subject small children to the pandemonium of Black Friday? It's 6am. Just because your grown self is wide awake, all hyped up about some miscellaneous sales doesn't mean that your kid is. So don't be surprised when he/she/they start walking around like zombies with their eyes half closed, drooling, crying "Mommy I wanna go to sleep!"
5) I was watching the news last night and this was one of the stories. Basically, a couple who met while waiting in line for Black Fridy a few years ago decided to make a traditon out of it. So they got married. In the line. Outside Best Buy. They also plan to spend all their anniversaries in line. Cool, right?? Ol' dude never has to worry about the wrong anniversary gift, or forgetting his anniversary! Didn't even have to splurge on a crazy wedding! Shout out to the recession! Message: Forget a wedding, buy a flatscreen!
x0x0♥

Ode to My BLB♥

My last post was pretty sad, so on a lighter note...I just realized earlier how much I love my little brother! And no, there was no big event or action that made me see this... I just woke up with him on my mind. 
He's my only sibling. Same Mommy, different dads. My Big Li'l Brother (as I affectionately call him) will be the big 15 next month, and he's grown from an adorable little boy to a handsome young teenager and...well...I'm proud of him. {if he were here, this would be the part where he told me to stop being so mushy lol}. My brother hasn't always been the most behaved, but we're working on that, because as his older sister, I feel it's my job to encourage him, and let him know what to expect once he's out in the real world. He's had to grow up faster than many kids his age...we both have. He was 13 when we lost our Mommy, and if the term "Mama's Boy" was in the dictionary, my BLB's pic would be right next to it. 

I know that 13 is a critical age, and on a certain level I know how he feels, but he's yet to let me (or anyone else) into that part of him that I know mourns our loss. As the youngest child, the only son, of a single mother...as someone new to the teenage world...I can't fully understand what's in his head. But I do know that I'm the only other person on this planet who knew what it was like to be this woman's child, and how it feels to have lost her. We inhabited the same woman's womb...we're bonded for life. So, through all the misbehaving, attitude, teenage rebellion, emotional walls, etc... I still let him know that I'm here. When I try to get in his head, he doesn't always want to go there with me...but I know he hears me when I speak to him. I know he knows that I adore him, and that I was there when he was born, and that I'll always be with him. Just like our Mommy will always be with the both of us. And whenever I have days like this, I remember how much he means to me, and how much we meant to her. And it brightens my day.
xoxo♥
PS: The second picture was taken earlier this year at my brother's 8th grade promotion. He's about 6'5'' now. And growing. I've already got my ass-kickin' shoe stank face ready for the fast-tailed girls that have been swarming since puberty hit!

Dirty Laundry...♥

So I'm sure we've all either seen Precious by now, or decided flat out that we're not going to watch it...right? Lol... Well I watched it today. Heavy stuff... that's all I can say. I've never done this before, but I watched it on one of those online websites (shh!) and I have to say...I'm glad I did. I had to pause and take a break multiple times. I wasn't sure what to expect, because I've never read Sapphire's Push, and I didn't read any of the reactions on blogs and things like that until after I saw the movie. So, that being said, I thought the movie was quite good. Mo'Nique played the hell out of her role...I can't even imagine what it took for her to get into character for some of those scenes....
I've heard a lot of complaints, though. It's kind of irritating, because there are people complaining who either didn't like the movie because of it's subject matter, or decided not to see the film (again, because of it's subject matter). Here's my thing: the good thing about Precious is that it's based on a novel. Didn't like the film? Maybe you should have read (or wikipedia'd) the novel first. Saved yourself some gas and a couple bucks. For those who decided not to see it because it "makes Black people look bad", all I have to say is this: If you think Precious is part of the problem, then you're part of the problem. 
It's true, abuse, incest, rape, teenage pregnancy, and all that occur in all races, but a major problem is the fact that these things are swept under the rug so much. When will it be ok and acceptable to talk about the taboos of the black community? Last year, 3.3 million Black women were sexually abused...and that's just the cases that were reported. I've heard people say that it's embarrassing that Black people always have to be seen in this type of light, but does sweeping these issues and statistics under the rug solve anything? The things that Precious' character went through are not uncommon, and as a Black woman who hasn't gone through half of that stuff, I had to walk away from the movie a few times. Imagine how many people in the theaters had actually shared some of those same experiences? Too many, I'm sure. 
What are we so afraid of? Embarrassment is a minor price to pay if it means making a change in our culture. Abuse is NOT okay. It's NOT normal. It is NOT supposed to happen to everyone. So why is it that when these things are pointed out, people act so offended? Instead of complaining, come up with some awareness and prevention ideas. Precious could easily have been your mama, auntie, sister, cousin, niece, wife, friend, etc when she was younger. Or it could be them now. Think about it. 
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For the Babies...♥

So I've read that Angelina Jolie is planning to adopt yet another child (this will make lucky number 7), from Syria this time. I think it's great. I'm a big fan, and I don't care how cooky people think she is! I think it's crazy, however, that people are criticizing her for it. It seems like someone always has something to say when Angelina makes an addition to the Jolie-Pitt clan, but honestly as long as she's willing and able to take in these children, what's the big problem? Do you know how many children in the world are orphans, and need a family to take care of them? Half the people who are complaining probably don't take care of their own kids, or know someone else who doesn't! So as long as there are people running around pulling 'Brenda-Got-a-Baby' scenarios, I don't have a problem with anyone stepping up and trying to help a small portion of these children!
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The Blame Game pt. 2♥

It’s amazing to me that the race card is even thrown out in cases like this. Amazing, but not surprising. In my opinion, there is no Black community White community. It's all about the Green community. Money is the root of all evil, and at the end of the day, our world is all about economic class. There’s rich people, well-to-do people, poor people, and the people who are even poorer than that. People who are on the street, battling drug addictions and accompanying prostitution habits to support these addictions. The dismissed and forgotten. Depending on where you live, this may include people of ANY race. Black does not always = Poor.


We’d like to place the blame every and anywhere else, but it all starts in our homes and our communities. The devaluation of a Black woman’s life is blatantly obvious in the case of Cleveland’s little house of horrors. Why? Because 11 women don’t simply disappear. 11 women are dismissed and forgotten as we go on about our lives, all because they were just some “crack bitches”. Read the link before you come at me all crazy. Yes, this is someone’s family, but to those politicians, rich people, well-to-do people sitting in their nice warm homes watching the news, these are just a bunch of street women. If we want the world to see our value, maybe we should try seeing it in each other first. I'd hate to see someone I know personally on that list of victims, and I'd hate for my name to end up on a list like it. We've already lost so many lives to violence. Especially violence within our own "community".


Like it or not, let’s all start being real with ourselves for once. The reason this bastard was able to kill however many women (because everything inside me tells me that these 11 women were not his only victims) is not because the media paid no attention. He got away with it for this long because he systematically selected what our society sees as street women. As mentioned, I’m from Cleveland. I come from a home with a nosy grandma who peeps out the window constantly, watching what’s going on in our neighborhood. You can't tell me that there's not at least one neighbor on this street who saw and knew everyone's business. Where were the neighbors who saw these women going into the house of horrors, and never coming out? Women he lured in with drugs and alcohol, and women who had already been either partly or fully in the streets. ..He knew that no one would come looking for these women. And whether we’ll admit it or not, he was right. It's no secret that the relationship between lower socioeconomical neighborhoods and law enforcement isn't nearly up to par. This, however, would not deter me when it came to someone's life. How many police reports and missing persons reports were filed? Were the reports that were filed taken seriously? We as a community, and as a city owe it to these women to WAKE UP and realize that if we wanna place blame, we need to rightfully do so. Blame the politicians. Blame the media. Blame the Cleveland Police Department. But most of all, blame ourselves. Because all the signs were there.
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The Blame Game.♥

I’m from Cleveland, Ohio and I’m sure many or most of you have read about the serial killer who is so disgusting that I don’t even want to type his name in this post. As we speak, I’m on FB chatting with a buddy about what a shame it is...but my question is where was the outcry when the women initially went missing? I mean, the bodies recovered from the house are decomposed…meaning these women had been missing for some time. I’m not criticizing or accusing but if this is your family that you love so much, keep up with them. I’ve read that all these murder victims were also victims of drug addiction. This does not, in any way, take away from the value placed on their lives. It shouldn't. No matter what race or class, we all have someone in our family who is or has struggled with drugs. Does this mean we just leave them out there at the hands of killers like this? Pay no attention to the fact that you haven’t heard from them in days, weeks, months, or years?? When they go missing, raise hell UNTIL a body (dead or alive) is recovered. Not just AFTER the body is found and identified as your relative. These women are someone’s daughter, someone’s sibling, someone’s cousin, aunt, and perhaps even someone’s mother. Where are the search parties? The news stories? The newspaper articles? The Facebook and Myspace groups? The fliers?


There's so much to this story that it's mind-boggling, but when it's all said and done, realize that there are usually warning signs. More often than not. This isn't a charming, clean-cut, Ted Bundy type of killer. This man served 15 years in prison for violent crime. He was a registered sex offender. What guidelines for sex offenders were in place? When a sex offender moves into a neighborhood, is he/she just left there to do what they please? Why aren't their homes inspected? According to another article, as a sex offender, the guy was required to check in with deputies every so often, but all they did is come to his doorstep to verify that he lived there! Questions: Why the HECK are you stopping at the doorstep?? His home should have been searched top to bottom each time a check was conducted. According to the sex offender law, they can't search the homes of registered sex offenders without cause. That's BS, if you ask me. I don't really give two craps about the privacy rights of a registered sex offender. They shouldn't have any. He could have had women bound and gagged inside the home when the deputies visited. How would they know? Also, if deputies checked the home every few months, and the stench of decomposition had been lingering for years, how did deputies not notice? Most people haven't experienced the stench of a decomposed body, but it's very distinct. Even if a civilian can mistake decomp as stench from the sausage shop on the corner, I doubt a law enforcement officer should be mistaking it. It seems to me that more could have been done a long time ago...


I’ve also heard a lot of comments about their being a racial issue involved. Everybody contends that “If it were another lil’ white girl missing, the media would be all over it”…
Here’s the thing: STOP placing blame everywhere else. First of all, it’s unnecessary. Second of all, step back and look at the situation for what it REALLY is. A lot of Black people let that “White missing girls get more media attention” mentality hinder the work they actually put in to find their loved ones! Don’t sit there and think the media is just going to KNOW your family member is missing! The media can’t KNOW the lil’ white girls are missing unless their families go to authorities and such, in efforts to locate them. Maybe it is a racial thing, because guess what? Perhaps more white people go to the media and MAKE people aware that there is a problem, and that someone is missing. The rest of you sit around criticizing the media and assuming they don’t care, but then don’t even try to approach them to get the word out. Media employees are not psychic. They get stories that are brought to them, or stories that people are making noise about. So for God’s sake, make some freakin’ noise!!!
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"How Come He Don't Want Me?"♥

So I woke up a little earlier than I would have liked today...I've been sick and my Mom-n-law called to check on me...and instead of hopping back into bed and going to sleep, I hopped back into bed and watched Fresh Prince lol.
It was the episode when Will’s father popped back into the picture and acted like he was going to do all this bonding and traveling and whatnot with Will, and get the relationship that they’d never had back on track. Very sweet of him…until he ends up leaving Will once again.
Very good episode.
The end always makes me tear up. Will goes off into this rant about how it’s OK that his dad left, and how he doesn’t need him anyway.
But wait…after the rant, Will breaks down and the final line is “How come he don’t want me, man?”…..{and scene!}…yes, I got teary-eyed.
I know this is just a TV show, but we all know that the situation is very real.
So basically, I just want to say that children know. They know when a person loves them. They know when they’re being paid attention to. They know when they’re your top priority. They just…know.
I don’t know the feeling of being a mother yet, but I know the feeling of being a child. Trust me on this.
Every single child who has grown up in a single-parent setting (with little or no contact with their absent parent) has wondered “How come he/she don’t want me” at some point(s) in life. Whether they voice this curiosity or not. No matter how good a parent they are being raised by. You can be the best mother in the world, but that doesn’t make you a father. A father needs to play that role. This doesn’t take away from your greatness as a mom, it just stands apart from that other void that only he can fill. Of course, the same goes for single dads. There will always be a void that their mom needs to fill.
If you’ve got children, take care of them. It matters. Financially, they need you. But it’s even more so, they need your physical presence. Your emotional investment in them WILL affect them in the long run. You being present and influential in their lives will help them form concrete memories upon which their character can build. Whether these memories are good or not all depends on the way you raise them…but being there really is a good start.
If you don’t have children…think before you make some. It’s selfish and unfair of you to bring any new life into this world that you’re unable or unwilling to nurture and love with every ounce of your being. If you're not going to nurture seeds, don't plant them in the first place!
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Coming from Where I'm From...♥

Is it bad that I don't like going to my hometown? Like, ever? Home is definitely not where my heart is.
I love seeing my family, and my best friends...but that's the extent of my warmth and fuzziness. Every time I go "home", I feel gloomy and closed in, and just surrounded by do-nothing people doing...nothing. I don't know if it's me being older and developing my own way of seeing (like really seeing) things, or the fact that I, unlike many people in the 'hood have been around to some other places since I left home for college. Either way, I just don't see how someone could spend their entire life in one place and have no desire, no motivation to upgrade. I'm a product of my family and their morals and values...but I'm not a product of my environment by any means. I have no desire to return to that place. Especially not permanently. On some level, I recognize that in it's own way, your neighborhood contributes to who you become. Whether that contribution is positive or negative, there is some influence from the place you spent most, if not all, of your childhood...but that's the extent of my appreciation. I get crap for this all the time, but that doesn't mean I'm going to change my mind. Call it what you want, but I don't see any problem with wanting more...
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