"I'll Get to Wherever You Are..."

I went to the movies with Dorkface last month and saw The Best Man Holiday (which I loved, of course) but I was even more in love with the soundtrack!
More specifically, I fell in absolute LOVE with the song "Shelter" by John Legend.

It's such a beautiful song, and it makes me think about the concept of soul mates... I'm still questioning my belief in them. Whether or not they exist. If so, are we only allotted one in a lifetime? 
If you find your soulmate, and then lose them, is it always destined that you'll find your way back to them? 
Is a soulmate always romantic? 
Can a platonic friend be a soulmate?
I have so many questions...
Whatever the answers hold, I do know that this song is something like what I think soulmates signify. Some people are simply drawn together over lifetimes, and there has to be some explanation. Right?

"Look over your shoulder....I'm never too far....I'll get to wherever you are."

12:36 AM

"I do not feel the fear of falling...
I wanna fly.
If it all goes well, then I will...
...but what if I don't?"

I Wanna Get to Know Ya...

I've never been one for resolutions... but for the last few years, I've found myself reflecting during this time of year. Reflecting over the year that's coming to an end... what worked for me, so I can keep it up & improve on it. What didn't work, so I can leave that shit behind.
The latter half of this year has shown me a happiness that I had not seen in quite awhile. I'm 25 now, and I'm beginning to look at some things and how they are situated in the Big Picture that I know as my life. One thing I've noticed is my lack of desire to impress.

I've always been the "goody-goody". This stems from childhood, as I remember always aiming to please. I always wanted to be the good kid, and was rewarded for this quite often via gifts, compliments from teachers, church members, extended family, etc. So of course, I kept it up. This followed me right into adulthood, though, and only recently have I realized that somewhere along the line, my "aim to please" mentality has diminished.

I'm not going to say the mentality is gone completely. When it comes to my work ethic, I definitely still like to put my best foot forward at all times... taking on special tasks, volunteering overtime...these are things I do not only for accolades and bonuses, but because I genuinely enjoy contributing. 

But when it comes to relationships, I've began to see that I've been making a crucial mistake. One that I had to take several steps back to see a little more clearly. I've realized that it's ingrained in me to be what I've always seen as a "good girlfriend". I haven't been in a lot of relationships...I can count them all on one hand. I'm currently single (well...that's a whole 'nother post), so obviously those relationships all ended for one reason or another. But in the end, I've always been left asking myself what I did wrong.

Then it dawned on me... 

I've spent my time trying to be the girl I thought men wanted... instead of being myself. 
There's a part of me that's been reaching out to the surface (a surface which is covered by somewhat inadvertent attempts to be perfect, because who leaves the perfect girlfriend??). In my mind, I've always rationalized this by believing that if I'm everything my man wants and needs, he's going to always stay around. It didn't matter if what he wanted and needed compromised the 'Me' that I wanted to be.

The problem is, after doing this for so long, it becomes difficult to recognize who you are. You're used to playing a role now. So who you're actually meant to BE is pushed aside, while you remain in character. Now this is juxtaposed with me pretty much spending my whole transition into adulthood (age 17 to 21) in a relationship with the same person. I've never had time to sit back and get to know me. Until now. Although I am seeing someone, I'm also becoming committed to learning GiGi. I'm listening to her. I'm treating her to the things she wants. I'm loving up on her the way she should be loved up on, so that she knows what to command when she's ready for another exclusive relationship. 
I'm paying attention to who GiGi is as a person, and getting to know the pretty & not-so-pretty aspects of her personality. I'm genuinely no longer interested in playing a role to impress someone just to get them to stay around. I'm moreso realizing that being true to me, and appreciating those who enjoy being around ME is more rewarding.

So if I were to make any type of resolution, it would be continue this. Why? Because I've realized that self-awareness is essential to developing dope character and shit.

Exhaustion.

I feel like I have to detach myself, before love is snatched away from me. Because inevitably, it always gets snatched away.

Which poses the question: Was something so easily taken, really ever meant for me at all?

With every incident, I feel like I lose a little more of my faith in the L word. It's not completely gone...but it's hanging on by a flimsy thread.

For once, I'd like something that's free. Unwavering. Unconditional. Something that's just for me. 

Something that's permanent.

Something that I don't have to fight for...

Because I'm so tired of fighting.

And I don't have any fight left.

Pieces of Me.

I'm learning.

Which I guess is always a good thing.

But I feel like the pain that accompanies some of life's lessons is too much to bear sometimes.

I'm torn between numbness and excruciating pain...and I don't know which one hurts more.

It's like...I feel like every time I let someone in, when (not if) they leave, they take a piece of me with them...

And I don't think I have that many pieces left.

Acknowledgement.

At this point in my life, I'm craving acknowledgement. It's something that I need, maybe as a meal for my ego. A security blanket. I don't know...I just need it.

Insecurity creeps in when you've been through certain situations that leave you with a feeling of loss, and no closure. I'm in a bad headspace because I feel that this is contradictory to my usual secure, self-sufficient attitude. Then that makes me wonder...is the insecurity something that's REALLY representative of who I am? Is the uber secure, self-sufficient attitude just something I present as a defense mechanism? I feel like looking into myself and not being afraid of self-reflection is very necessary...yet very frightening. But as always, that's what my writing helps me do. I start with a one word focus point, and I just write. I purge. I get out everything that I can, because I love the feeling I get once im done. It's kinda like when you're sick, and throwing up is the ONLY thing that makes you feel better...even though it SUCKS.

 So naturally I've realized that I have a problem with bottling up emotions lol. This post is all over the place. I have no idea where it's going to take me. It's already so long, and I have so much more to purge. I could probably go through and break this down into 7 separate posts, but hey. Whatever. AintNobodyGotTimeFaDat.

But really. I've been thinking about my tendency to bottle up emotions, and I feel that, with many people in my life, I'm afraid to speak certain emotions into existence. Acknowledging this is EXTREMELY difficult, but its a very big step for me. Ultimately, I know that I'll never resolve this if I don't address it full on. As a child, I was raised primarily by my late mother, and her mother. Looking back, I never really had emotion-laced discussions with my mother. There was always a disconnect in that department, and I couldn't understand why. Its the thing that I regret most in life, as I didn't ultimately resolve this before my mom passed away in 2008. So it's something I feel will haunt me for a long time. I mean my mom loved me. She took care of me. Her actions usually assured me that, as her child, I was very valuable to her...but these words were hardly ever spoken. I couldn't tell you the number of times I heard "I love you" from her...Mostly because I can't remember them. I do know that I could probably count them on one hand. I remember attempting to open that door of discussion one day, and being brushed off. I was so sensitive to the perceived rejection that I never tried to step out on that limb again.  It wasn't until I became older that I realized, HER mother (my infamous granny)  is the same way. There's a pattern of stunted emotional growth, and it's weighed heavily on family dynamic. Even though I was raised in the household of maternal family, my father's family is the opposite. Very fun-loving, relaxed, open people. Emotionally available. And I've therefore always been drawn towards them more. It was very confusing as a child to endure those conflicting sets of feelings. As an adult, it hasn't gotten easier...the only difference is that I am now able to delve into those feelings. Comprehend them a little more.

Fast-forward, I feel myself facing the same conflict in my current....thing. I want to call it a relationship. But it isn't. Which is exactly what prompted this round of self-reflection and evaluation.

I feel that...things aren't what I want them to be, and that something is blocking me from speaking up, and making this known. I have brought up the issue to him, jokingly, because well...I'm passive like that apparently. I was shot down, which made me withdraw back from placing that issue on the table. I haven't brought it up since. So I guess the "something" blocking me is fear. 

I'm afraid of being shot down again.

I'm afraid of being vulnerable.

I'm afraid of being left.

I'm afraid of being judged.

I'm afraid of being rejected

I'm afraid to love, because...

I'm afraid of being hurt.

Again.

...I guess acknowledgement really is the first step to recovery.

Opening Pitch.

Happy New Year and shit....

I've never been one for resolutions, but as I get older there are some things that I  would love to start changing about myself. It's pure coincidence that I'm thinking of them today lol.

These are very general things, that I'm recently deciding I want to work on. Gradually, of course. 

1) I want to blog more! I've realized that with microblogging and things like twitter, I stopped actually writing, which is something that has always been so therapeutic for me.

2) I want to speak my mind more.

Better out than in. I've seen first-hand how pent up emotions can manifest into physical pain, stress, etc. Do not want.

3) I want to return to school.

After I earned my Bachelor's, I wanted to take a short break from school, to just...breathe. But I think I've become to complacent, and changes shall be made.

That's it. 

When the Smoke Clears.

I've heard people say that hindsight vision is 20/20. I've come to see this as true, at least in respect to MY life experiences. As good of an idea as something once seemed, in retrospect you realize that not only was it a stupid thing to do, but that there were flashing neon signs alerting you to the stupidity all along!
I'm thankful for that moment of clarity. When the smoke clears and you can see a situation for what it is? Without all hype and loudness and diversions? That's when epiphanies bring you back down to where you belong. That's something I look forward to. Sometimes we add so many supporting details to our story that we forget the main idea. 

Love is____________

craved.

pure.

spiritual.

heartwarming.

spine-chilling.

strengthening.

terrifying.

divine.

effortless.

unconditional.

innate.

forgiving.

pain.

bliss.

stingy.

selfless.

supernatural.

necessary.

beyond all these words.

you.

me.

Us.

The Little Things.

There are a few things that just make me happy, stuff that isn't even major in any way lol. 
Yesterday I went to Giant Eagle (the grocery store, in case they don't have those in your region/location) and got my absolute favorite teabags on sale two for $5 lol. I know there aren't many people who share my enthusiasm for Lipton's Mixed Berry Green Tea....and I'm okay with that.
I'm not sure if it's because I was having a somewhat pissy day yesterday or what...but at that moment all I wanted was my tea, and I mean who doesn't love a little sale price? Lol
I'm clearly old as hell at heart. And again, I'm okay with that.

Shuffle Post 11/25

I've been pretty sick today but my first song in this evening's shuffle is "Words" by Anthony David & India.Arie...

I love this song, its lyrics are just super real, the piano accompaniment is beautiful, and I think the two artists complement each other pretty well. 

It's hard to even pick a favorite part of the song, but there's one part that's always kinda jumped out at me:

"Got my mind made

I don't plan to leave...

'cause you are meant for me.

Simple, that may be...

Why be complex?

Loving you is so easy..."

The last couple lines hit home, I feel like sometimes we make love so complicated and...extra. And it really doesn't have to be. We impose so many rules and expectations on something that, in its purest form, should really be easy. We make it complicated because we don't allow love to develop and flourish on its own. We want it to fit a template that others have laid out, when really love isn't some one-size-fits-all type of deal. Sometimes it's unorthodox. Sometimes it's beyond explanation. And, well...Sometimes you just gotta let it be.

What the Fuck Am I Doing?

True Life: I'm a Serial Monogamist.

I read somewhere that a man knows when you're someone he wants to be with, vs someone he wants to play around with. And that he acts/treats you accordingly. Sort of like how women know immediately upon meeting a guy whether or not they'd let him hit. Mmm hmm. Lol.

And these things make perfect sense to me. But I feel like...idk. Ive been struggling with the realization that I'm a serial monogamist. I don't ever really have guys that I just "talk to" or whatever,  I'm either in a relationship with someone, or I'm completely single.

Until now.

I'm trying to do the whole "talking" thing...and I don't feel like its for me. It's fun and all, but I feel like I need more. In the back of my mind it gives me this lingering question of "What am I missing?"...What is it about me that isn't good enough?
Call me crazy, naive, insecure, or whatever. I'm a work in progress. But I like titles. I like exclusivity. I like acknowledgment of the fact that I'm the only woman who makes you feel warm tingly fuzzy shit when you think of her. Not having those things is a slight struggle for me, mainly because I'm so used to having them. I've always been "claimed", lol and that's kinda all I know when it comes to relations & relationships. It's a necessary contrast to my usual, though. So I told myself I would just let things develop and see how they progress. That's probably going to be a lot harder than it sounds....but easy gets boring. 

Delayed Rebound.

I feel like this is the only term that comes into mind when I reflect on my BRIEF most recent relationship...(not THAT one, another one's bitten the dust since then)...
It's a sad realization, but it's something that I need to acknowledge for what it is. I could apologize, because you can't play with someone's heart that way. Especially knowing they feel a certain way about you. 
But I think we might be past the point of apologies.
Too many hurtful things have been done and said now.
I knew going into this situation with him that in my heart of hearts, it wasn't what I wanted. HE wasn't what I wanted. But I dove in anyway, trying to build off of the familiarity of him. 
That was unfair.
But sometimes you fool yourself into thinking that what's familiar is what's best for you. Familiar KNOWS you. Familiar wouldn't hurt you. Familiar is SAFE.
I put logic first because putting emotion first hasn't yielded any desirable results for me thus far.
That was really fucking stupid.
But that chapter is closed, for good this time. Second time was not the charm. Familiar was not safe. In fact, familiar was on more bullshit than I could have ever imagined.
So we move on.
There just might be a new Sherriff in town ^_^

Shuffle Post 11/24

So I have this thing. It's grown into somewhat of a compulsion actually lol. But every time I wake up, I have to start a new shuffle on my phone's music library. I almost feel like something bad might happen if I don't. I do this every time I get into my car, as well. It's weird. But whatever. 
Anyway, the thing is...I love to really listen to the first song that plays in the shuffle. I feel like that song has some kind of meaning for coming up first on that particular day. 

Today my first song is "Woman Like Me" by the Creole Queen herself (Mrs. Carter if ya nasty). Now I loves me some Bey. This songs has been a fave of mine for awhile, because it's reminiscent of how I feel when I start feeling a guy lol. I'll just post my fave verse.

"Do you think

You could fall for a Woman Like Me...?

'Cause I find it hard to trust

And I need too much

And I really don't believe in love, no no...

Do you think

That I could be the girl of your dreams?

Sometimes I don't let things go,

I get emotional...

And sometimes I'm just out of CONTROL..."

So. It's Been Awhile (again) Lol

But I always come back to this place.
My blog is like that old friend who, no matter how long you go without speaking, when you see each other again you can't help the need to fill each other in. 
Catch up. 
Restore bonds.
I stepped away from blogging for quite some time, for various reasons. One, being my slight obsession with twitter. I mean, I'm lazy. Who wants to write long drawn out emotional posts when I can just get my point across 140 snippy characters at a time? Lol. Another reason...? I've been on this journey of re-learning how to just live. I think that blogs and tweets are just a textual performance...but not everything needs an audience, I believe. And I felt myself forgetting that, so I've actually stepped away from my twitter for awhile. I'm GiGi. And as much as @LovePeaceCurls is a part of me, I'm so much more. 

I find myself making conscious efforts throughout each day, to think about what I want, vs what I think people want to see me do. In some ways I think I still feel broken, and I stopped trusting myself to know/determine what's good for me. But it's time for things to change.
It's almost 9am, and I've been up since about 5am. I was sound asleep and I got this urge to just look outside. So that's what I did. I bundled up. I went out on the front porch, and then I got cold so I got into my car lol. And I just watched. I watched the sun. The birds. The squirrels playing in the leaves that I'm sure I'll end up raking today. I watched random people walking to/from who-knows-where. I watched because I tend to overlook a lot of things. So I'm re-learning to sit back and just...see. It's fascinating what you can see when you focus your eyes.

Closure...?

So...for those who care, and/or have been keeping up.....
I spoke to CB today. And to sum it all up...my heart and head are in a VERY good state right now.
It's the first step (baby steps, I might add), but I honestly didn't realize I needed to hear certain things from him, until I heard them come out of his mouth..... Apologies. Acknowledgment of the errors that were made...I feel like our friendship, as strong as it was even before we began dating, is something that is real, and pure. And even though we didn't work out as a couple, that friendship is something I feel is worth salvaging and repairing. So that's all I'll go into for now, but yeah... The only way I can describe is like being stuck in a ditch, and finally having your car pushed out so that you can get to where you need & want to be. ♥

Relapse? ♥

For the past couple hours, I've had Erykah Badu's "Green Eyes" on repeat....It's always been one of my favorites, but for some reason, when it came up in my shuffle earlier, I just felt the need to turn repeat on. For anyone who's ever listened to it, the song is composed of 3 movements. Denial, Relapse, and Acceptance..... The Relapse movement is speaking to my soul right now....seriously...Especially these first few lines:

"I'm insecure....

But I can't help it...

My mind says move on...

But my heart lags behind...

I don't love you anymore,

I'm so insecure, 

Never knew that love did this...."

I feel...EXACTLY like this right now...
Out of nowhere, I just had some type of mid-twenties crisis, and I felt like screaming...and throwing shit...and breaking shit...and just....spazzing the fuck out, for lack of a better verb! But I can't do that....so I decided to write....I want so badly to just move on...Lord knows I do. And the reason this song is speaking to me right now..is because I truly feel that battle between mind and heart...I think I'm just acknowledging it for the first time. My mental self is soooo over this shit. I know for a fact that I don't want this relationship back. My emotional self, however, is on some whole other shit. She's trippin.....She's the one who WILL NOT let go completely....and I feel like crying out for help, but I just...can't. I feel like if it's so easy to mentally get over something, why shouldn't I be able to do it emotionally as well?? I don't sit around thinking "Oh my gosh, I miss him...I wish we were back together"....I sit around thinking about how I want him to hurt...and suffer...and wonder. Because that's what I was left to do. I guess this is what happens when you don't have closure? 
It's been over 4 months. I haven't removed one picture from the frames in my living room....I haven't deleted him from FB...Haven't deleted our pics from FB...which people are STILL commenting on (smh)... I haven't gotten rid of the box full of letters, pictures, artwork, movie stubs, and other random shit I save....I just can't let go. Why?? 
And I know that at some point I need to do these things...and people still come to my apartment, and see the pictures on the wall & shelf, and give me this sideways look...but they don't say anything. It's almost like if I get rid of all these things, it'll be too permanent....and I feel like I need to do them in my own time. Then I sit back and think...for him, it's already permanent! I was ALWAYS in his corner...even if he was on some stupid shit that I didn't agree with. I'd state my objection, but still offer my support. I was a dope ass girlfriend. Loyal to a fault. For years! Even after all I did...all I put into 'Us', he's moved on and never looked back. Not once. So why can't I? 
I thought I was past this point.

Current Musical Mood. ♥

"When we were together, you told me what you didn't like, then you went out and found exactly the type....

She can't hold you like I can....boy, you're a fool if you can't realize what you had....

She can't feel you like I can...'cause I'm a girl who's always standing by my man...."

--Destiny's Child; "She Can't Love You"; The Writing's On the Wall. ♥

Inspired By CY ♥

I've been catching up on some of you guys' blogs...and as always, they inspire new posts from me!
As I was popped in on my boo Cristine's latest post, this portion jumped out at me (literally and emotionally lol): 
"I'm happy. I'm content in my space, and I'm content being in my space by myself..."
This is eXACTLY how I feel right now, at this point in my life. I couldn't have said it better. 
It's funny, because I was just trying to explain this to a co-worker earlier, when we got on the subject of breakups. People expect me to be in a way worse headspace than I'm in, and some don't truly believe me when I tell them that I Am Fine. Yes, I have my moments, but my overall mood and psyche are not wrapped up in any other human being. I think this is what helped me get to this point so quickly....I can say, honestly and wholeheartedly, that I'm happy being single right now. If given the opportunity, I don't know if I would rekindle anything with CB. I know some like to throw out that "Never Say Never" shit...but truthfully? I'm NOTHING if not proud...and my pride was severely hurt.  I don't think we'd be able to move past this. And that's not to sound bitter.... I wish him a speedy recovery, and all the success in the world. But I know in my heart of hearts that what we had is gone. And I'm still here! Still fabulous. Still dope. Still whippin' my hurr....ALL that! Lol! Because like Cristine says... #WeDoesThis!!! ♥

Ramblings...

Catch-up time....
OK, so there's been a shitload of things going on since I last blogged. I've gotten a couple irate texts & FB messages about my lack of posting lately (side-eye)...lol so I guess I'll get off my ass and write something.
Well...actually, I'm sitting on my ass, with my laptop...but you get the picture. 


Work has been going pretty well...I took a much-needed mini vacation a couple weeks ago. Nothing fancy...I just went home to Cleveland. But I hadn't been home, or had any time off from work period, since December when I graduated...so the break was welcomed. I just needed to get away for a hot second. I came back and immediately had some miserable cold/sinus infection hybrid....but now I'm feeling better lol!


Relationships
Yeah...about that. Lol.
So by now I'm sure you all know the whole breakup story....and that CB and I haven't spoken since, to this day. Well a couple weeks ago, his mom informed me that he passed out, and ended up having to have a brain surgery...like, on his brain and shit....yeah. It kinda threw me for a loop, because his mom has kept in touch with me since the breakup, but we don't really talk about him. Ever. So when she told me this, I'm like "wait, What?" 
He's ok, by the way. Surgery went fine without complications. He's going through physical therapy, to help him walk again...but geez. And of course my mind was all in overdrive...I initially knew something was wrong because I kept seeing FB posts about "pray for him" and all that...but I was hesitant to ask his mom, because...well, I felt like it just wasn't my place, you know? But I was kinda bullied into asking by a few friends and co-workers, who all agreed that yes, if you spent all those years with someone, it's okay to ask about possibly life-threatening events. So I asked...and I was told. It shook me up...but I was just glad that things weren't worse than they could have been. I still haven't spoken to him (and probably won't)...and I'm ok with this. I sent my well-wishes, and I've heard that his girlfriend his been by his side every step of the way. Good for him.


Moving on...there's this guy... -__-
Lol. But it's not really a "thing". Just a thing...you know? But I kinda like him. I might share more later....We'll see where it goes. And even if it doesn't go anywhere far...for right now, it's a thing that makes me happy ;-) and that's much-needed. 


Also, I think I'm getting to that point in life where I'm noticing that EVERYONE around me is all settling down and whatnot. I have 3 best friends... One is married, with a son. One just had a daughter, and has been with her man for over 4 years (they met shortly after CB and I started dating)...and my other best friend is off and on with her guy for over 2 years. They're kinda messy, but they're working on it. And it's crazy, because I've always been on that end of the spectrum. The "coupled up" end....so now I'm just sitting back...getting used to life on the opposite end. I'll be 23 next month...and I feel like I still have this teenage mindset when it comes to dating because...well, I've always been in a relationship. I'm open to starting over, though. That's the thing I was most afraid of at first...but there's nowhere to go but forward. It's summer, though. I've heard that no one wants girlfriends this time of year, anyway lol. So I've got time to get my life together! Haha! Wish me luck!