For every good day I have,
....there are nights like this.
Nights when I'm just wide awake...with thoughts racing through my head about things that I just can't let go.
No matter how hard I try, or how much time goes by....my mind just keeps racing.
I'd love to let go, completely, and just....Be.
The problem is that I let him in soooo deeply, that being just doesn't feel like being anymore. I'm just on the surface...going through the motions of everyday life, because the truth is, I don't enjoy anything anymore. I wish I could just snap my fingers and rid myself of all the memories. The promises. The dreams. The touches. The kisses..... But alas, they're still here...invading every breath I take, to the point where it literally hurts to breathe. Panic attack?
I haven't felt this way in awhile.
I was slowly re-building the wall that he demolished,
Because I can't go on feeling this way.
At least not in public.
I'm a woman.
We're supposed to be strong.
Fearless.
But I feel like a weak, scared child.
How is it so easy for you to walk away?
From the past...from the future.
I just don't understand.
I'm one of those people who's pretty good at seeing things from another's perspective....
But this.....?
I just can't grasp the concept of turning one's life upside down in the blink of an eye, and just leaving.
I can't look at a picture,
a wall,
a stuffed animal,
a letter...without remembering what was, and mourning what could have been....
I can't look in the mirror without wondering what was so wrong with me,
That you decided to simply leave.
I feel like a fragment.
I'm just.....
Broken.
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this is exactly how i felt after i left my relationship in october and let that be the end all be all. it hurts, and it's going to hurt for a long time - especially since he was in so deep. i wish i could tell you that there's away to snap out of it, but there isn't. one day, after taking so many breaths, crying so many tears, and so many personal pep-talks in the bathroom, you'll just feel better. not 100%, but better. and slowly but surely you'll transform. just because we're Black women doesn't mean we aren't allowed moments or periods of weakness. when we come through them, we're even stronger than before. trust me, i've been there.
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I think I've reached that point....because I feel good. Sincerely. I dont wish him (or her) any harm at this point..... I feel like Jill Scott in the bathroom scene of "Why Did I Get Married" when she saw ol' girl.... lol. All I wanna do is pray for the both of them... Because Karma's an uber-bitch. ♥
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