I know I've been pretty neglectful...
But I just HAD to tell y'all about how I just had a moment....lol.
And anyone who remotely knows me, knows that Raheem DeVaughn is my favorite artist....Ever. Yes....Ever. IDGAF about legends and old school or any of that shit..... He's the best in my eyes.
Well anyway, he followed me on Twitter today...May 17, 2011...at 10:13pm.
And I pretty much had a slight heart attack. Complete with hyperventilation and all that shit. ♥
Broken.
For every good day I have,
....there are nights like this.
Nights when I'm just wide awake...with thoughts racing through my head about things that I just can't let go.
No matter how hard I try, or how much time goes by....my mind just keeps racing.
I'd love to let go, completely, and just....Be.
The problem is that I let him in soooo deeply, that being just doesn't feel like being anymore. I'm just on the surface...going through the motions of everyday life, because the truth is, I don't enjoy anything anymore. I wish I could just snap my fingers and rid myself of all the memories. The promises. The dreams. The touches. The kisses..... But alas, they're still here...invading every breath I take, to the point where it literally hurts to breathe. Panic attack?
I haven't felt this way in awhile.
I was slowly re-building the wall that he demolished,
Because I can't go on feeling this way.
At least not in public.
I'm a woman.
We're supposed to be strong.
Fearless.
But I feel like a weak, scared child.
How is it so easy for you to walk away?
From the past...from the future.
I just don't understand.
I'm one of those people who's pretty good at seeing things from another's perspective....
But this.....?
I just can't grasp the concept of turning one's life upside down in the blink of an eye, and just leaving.
I can't look at a picture,
a wall,
a stuffed animal,
a letter...without remembering what was, and mourning what could have been....
I can't look in the mirror without wondering what was so wrong with me,
That you decided to simply leave.
I feel like a fragment.
I'm just.....
Broken.
....there are nights like this.
Nights when I'm just wide awake...with thoughts racing through my head about things that I just can't let go.
No matter how hard I try, or how much time goes by....my mind just keeps racing.
I'd love to let go, completely, and just....Be.
The problem is that I let him in soooo deeply, that being just doesn't feel like being anymore. I'm just on the surface...going through the motions of everyday life, because the truth is, I don't enjoy anything anymore. I wish I could just snap my fingers and rid myself of all the memories. The promises. The dreams. The touches. The kisses..... But alas, they're still here...invading every breath I take, to the point where it literally hurts to breathe. Panic attack?
I haven't felt this way in awhile.
I was slowly re-building the wall that he demolished,
Because I can't go on feeling this way.
At least not in public.
I'm a woman.
We're supposed to be strong.
Fearless.
But I feel like a weak, scared child.
How is it so easy for you to walk away?
From the past...from the future.
I just don't understand.
I'm one of those people who's pretty good at seeing things from another's perspective....
But this.....?
I just can't grasp the concept of turning one's life upside down in the blink of an eye, and just leaving.
I can't look at a picture,
a wall,
a stuffed animal,
a letter...without remembering what was, and mourning what could have been....
I can't look in the mirror without wondering what was so wrong with me,
That you decided to simply leave.
I feel like a fragment.
I'm just.....
Broken.
Far Away....
"Tear stains on my pillow,
Trying to forget YOU,
Don't know what I'm gonna do....
Four days and countin',
I've been laying here staring myself in the mirror all alone in my room.
I can't feel this way again...
Gotta think with my head,
'Cause my heart is what got me here..."
"I was by your side when we were meant to be; I guess it doesn't matter now that you're so Far Away..."
--Ms. Marsha Ambrosius. ♥
Trying to forget YOU,
Don't know what I'm gonna do....
Four days and countin',
I've been laying here staring myself in the mirror all alone in my room.
I can't feel this way again...
Gotta think with my head,
'Cause my heart is what got me here..."
"I was by your side when we were meant to be; I guess it doesn't matter now that you're so Far Away..."
--Ms. Marsha Ambrosius. ♥
Hey!
Thanks for those who commented, emailed, FB'd, & texted me after reading that one post...
I don't really have much to say about it at this point, other than the fact that I'm fine! Lol... Contrary to what it felt like this time a month ago, losing him was NOT the end of the world.
Currently? I've set my sights on something I think I like hehehe...so I'm trying to get out of this shy thing that I have going on (yes, I'm extremely shy) and grab hold of it! I'll keep you posted lol...
Other than that, I've just been getting back to my naturally fabulous self! It's amazing what good friends and impartial advice can do for one's psyche.
What y'all been up to?
I don't really have much to say about it at this point, other than the fact that I'm fine! Lol... Contrary to what it felt like this time a month ago, losing him was NOT the end of the world.
Currently? I've set my sights on something I think I like hehehe...so I'm trying to get out of this shy thing that I have going on (yes, I'm extremely shy) and grab hold of it! I'll keep you posted lol...
Other than that, I've just been getting back to my naturally fabulous self! It's amazing what good friends and impartial advice can do for one's psyche.
What y'all been up to?
No Holds Barred...
"I can't believe that it's over, baby....
But every bruise on my heart, you gave me."
--Ashanti {Over}.
I know I've been M.I.A. (again)...but it's not in vain. I promise.
I've been debating how much I wanted to share on here, for various reasons. Mainly, the situation I wrote about in my last post took some time for me to adjust to, and it's rather embarrassing for a Leo like myself...I'm not used to losing, failing, etc. But I was reminded by fellow bloggers, friends, and family members that there's strength in telling one's story. Writing has always been my only true form of release. When I write, I imagine myself sitting in the mirror telling the story to myself...In it's own strange, kooky way, it gives me clarity...
So I'll start from the beginning, for those who don't know me in "real life", those who do know me but never knew the whole story, those who only know bits & pieces, etc.
When I was in high school...I met CB. I was involved with someone else at the time, so we became friends. He lived a couple states away, but we talked and wrote each other a LOT. After a few months, we became best friends. It took us both awhile to admit it (and by awhile, I mean like a year or so)...but obviously we became more than just friends. In 2006, a month into my freshman year of undergrad (he was still a senior in high school), I realized that I was in toooooo deep. But so was he. And at that moment, everything I ever saw for my future shifted. It all included him. A couple months later, we made it official.
The next year, he went off to college. I'd say we held on pretty tough for awhile. His freshman year was a lot different than mine. He's an athlete, he went Greek, etc. Of course the distance has always been a factor, but at the time we had goals that included one another, so we made it work. Better than most are capable of making things work even in close proximity...Graduation seemed to be the light at the end of our romantic tunnel..
Fast forward to 2010...
The phone calls became fewer and farther between. In my heart of hearts, I knew that something was wrong, but of course I didn't want to admit it...or even speak it into existence. But I'm a woman. And we know.... Yes, men. We always know. What we choose to DO in response to that knowledge depends on the person. And personally, I wanted so badly to believe that this was the same person I'd fallen in love with back in high school...the person who wrote me poetry and 11-page letters, and wrote my name surrounded by hearts in the corners of the pages. But in retrospect, that smitten boy had grown into a slightly older BOY. A boy whom I don't recognize, or care to know at this point.
When I wrote my last post, I was in a completely different headspace than the one I'm in right now. I'd just found out that CB had began seeing someone else. Obviously, right? Lol. But at the time, I was in such a cycle of emotion, and I couldn't fathom leaving the comfort zone that had been built during my relationship with him. I was willing to listen, to understand, to try to reconcile....and ultimately, to settle (which is a realization that I recently came to). I thought that my world as I knew it wouldn't, and couldn't survive the loss of the person I thought belonged in my fairy-tale ending. So I did what a lot of women do. I reached out. I remained calm. I asked the questions I wanted answers to. I avoided those that I didn't want to know the answers to. Never realizing that I was simply dragging out the inevitable...because when someone's got one foot out of the door, there usually isn't much chance of getting them to come back in. Anywho...none of it mattered. Because my efforts weren't even responded to. Literally. Like I said, writing is my release....so I went back to the basics. I wrote a letter. A very personal, very transparent letter. I didn't want there to be any mistaking my stance on the matter at hand...or my desired solution. The letter laid everything I felt (at the time) completely on the table...and I'm not good at the whole vulnerability thing...but again, I trusted that I was putting these emotions into the proper hands. Clearly I was mistaken. My letter was sent in mid-February. The last conversation before I sent that letter....is the last communication of any sort that I had with him. No response. No return-to-sender. Nothing. And that's how 4+ years of my love life ended.
THEN, although I'd kept my mind from even dwelling on the elephant in the room (The Other Woman), a few days ago that little voice in my head spoke again...and I decided to do a little investigating. Lol... I don't trust anyone's information but my own these days, so I needed to find out first hand. When I did...I almost died. Laughing...... no, seriously...I laughed for a good 10 minutes when I saw who this chick was. I've never met her. Right now, I'm contemplating posting the pic of her that I posted on my FB wall when I found out (yes, I posted her pic. #ruthless)...just because I feel that you, as my loyal readers & cyber-friends deserve to laugh as wholeheartedly as I did that day. Yes, I think I'll post the pic.
And, by no means do I think cheating is all about aesthetics....Obviously there's something about this girl that was worth CB sacrificing his relationship with me. What that something is, I'll probably never know. It doesn't even matter...because the fact that that there IS a "something" is enough for me to realize it's time to let it go. I don't mean to boast, but damn if I don't brag...I mean, I really feel like he and I could have had it all. You'll never meet a person more loyal than me. I'm educated, raised well, take-home-to-mama type, well-mannered, well-dressed, gorgeous. Lady-in-the-streets.... lol... all that good stuff. So what is it that this girl gave him? Who knows.
The thing that hurts me the most is not the fact that I was cheated on by someone who I put the utmost trust into....I know this doesn't seem major to some people, and that chicks get cheated on erryday. Marriages end over infidelity...blah blah blah. But this is a first for me, and I've handled it the best way that I knew how. The thing that hurt me the most is the way that this situation was handled from his end. I won't go into detail about the letter I sent him, but just know that the bond I've had with this person since high school was so strong that I was willing to give up what we had, and be friends...that's how it all began anyway, right? I know people say "I want him/her to be happy even if it's not with me", but I sincerely meant that. I still mean it, after everything. So for me to open myself up to him, after ALL that I'd been put through...and receive no response? No acknowledgment that I'd poured my soul out in the form of ink from a ball-point pen? That's what hurts.
I keep asking myself how we ended up here... I don't have an answer, but every day that I sit back and think of what could have been (both good AND bad), I'm thankful. I don't have to see the face of betrayal everyday. I guess the long-distance thing was a gift and a curse. I didn't make the life changes that I had every intention of making (moving out to where he attends school, and possibly entering a graduate program there). I can't even imagine what I'd be feeling had I altered my entire life for someone who has no place for me in theirs. But again...I'm thankful. What's next for me? I'm not sure. I feel really "new" in the whole love scene. I've been with the same person virtually my entire adulthood thus far (from age 18 to 22), and so I feel like I have to go back and develop all the things that single, unattached people are supposed to develop lol... but I'm taking things a day at a time. I don't wish him any harm... I don't want to become bitter, but I do feel myself building a wall around my heart. To some, it may seem naive for me to have honestly expected forever with him...but I did. And it's rough starting all over. Involuntarily, I'd etched CB into my identity...so my first order of business is to continue on the path of success that I know has been paved for me. Hopefully he's on his own path. I don't know, for certain, that our paths will intertwine again. And for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling okay with that. ♥
PS: Here's that pic I promised y'all..... Lol.
CB, some random kid, and CB's new chick.
But every bruise on my heart, you gave me."
--Ashanti {Over}.
I know I've been M.I.A. (again)...but it's not in vain. I promise.
I've been debating how much I wanted to share on here, for various reasons. Mainly, the situation I wrote about in my last post took some time for me to adjust to, and it's rather embarrassing for a Leo like myself...I'm not used to losing, failing, etc. But I was reminded by fellow bloggers, friends, and family members that there's strength in telling one's story. Writing has always been my only true form of release. When I write, I imagine myself sitting in the mirror telling the story to myself...In it's own strange, kooky way, it gives me clarity...
So I'll start from the beginning, for those who don't know me in "real life", those who do know me but never knew the whole story, those who only know bits & pieces, etc.
When I was in high school...I met CB. I was involved with someone else at the time, so we became friends. He lived a couple states away, but we talked and wrote each other a LOT. After a few months, we became best friends. It took us both awhile to admit it (and by awhile, I mean like a year or so)...but obviously we became more than just friends. In 2006, a month into my freshman year of undergrad (he was still a senior in high school), I realized that I was in toooooo deep. But so was he. And at that moment, everything I ever saw for my future shifted. It all included him. A couple months later, we made it official.
The next year, he went off to college. I'd say we held on pretty tough for awhile. His freshman year was a lot different than mine. He's an athlete, he went Greek, etc. Of course the distance has always been a factor, but at the time we had goals that included one another, so we made it work. Better than most are capable of making things work even in close proximity...Graduation seemed to be the light at the end of our romantic tunnel..
Fast forward to 2010...
The phone calls became fewer and farther between. In my heart of hearts, I knew that something was wrong, but of course I didn't want to admit it...or even speak it into existence. But I'm a woman. And we know.... Yes, men. We always know. What we choose to DO in response to that knowledge depends on the person. And personally, I wanted so badly to believe that this was the same person I'd fallen in love with back in high school...the person who wrote me poetry and 11-page letters, and wrote my name surrounded by hearts in the corners of the pages. But in retrospect, that smitten boy had grown into a slightly older BOY. A boy whom I don't recognize, or care to know at this point.
When I wrote my last post, I was in a completely different headspace than the one I'm in right now. I'd just found out that CB had began seeing someone else. Obviously, right? Lol. But at the time, I was in such a cycle of emotion, and I couldn't fathom leaving the comfort zone that had been built during my relationship with him. I was willing to listen, to understand, to try to reconcile....and ultimately, to settle (which is a realization that I recently came to). I thought that my world as I knew it wouldn't, and couldn't survive the loss of the person I thought belonged in my fairy-tale ending. So I did what a lot of women do. I reached out. I remained calm. I asked the questions I wanted answers to. I avoided those that I didn't want to know the answers to. Never realizing that I was simply dragging out the inevitable...because when someone's got one foot out of the door, there usually isn't much chance of getting them to come back in. Anywho...none of it mattered. Because my efforts weren't even responded to. Literally. Like I said, writing is my release....so I went back to the basics. I wrote a letter. A very personal, very transparent letter. I didn't want there to be any mistaking my stance on the matter at hand...or my desired solution. The letter laid everything I felt (at the time) completely on the table...and I'm not good at the whole vulnerability thing...but again, I trusted that I was putting these emotions into the proper hands. Clearly I was mistaken. My letter was sent in mid-February. The last conversation before I sent that letter....is the last communication of any sort that I had with him. No response. No return-to-sender. Nothing. And that's how 4+ years of my love life ended.
THEN, although I'd kept my mind from even dwelling on the elephant in the room (The Other Woman), a few days ago that little voice in my head spoke again...and I decided to do a little investigating. Lol... I don't trust anyone's information but my own these days, so I needed to find out first hand. When I did...I almost died. Laughing...... no, seriously...I laughed for a good 10 minutes when I saw who this chick was. I've never met her. Right now, I'm contemplating posting the pic of her that I posted on my FB wall when I found out (yes, I posted her pic. #ruthless)...just because I feel that you, as my loyal readers & cyber-friends deserve to laugh as wholeheartedly as I did that day. Yes, I think I'll post the pic.
And, by no means do I think cheating is all about aesthetics....Obviously there's something about this girl that was worth CB sacrificing his relationship with me. What that something is, I'll probably never know. It doesn't even matter...because the fact that that there IS a "something" is enough for me to realize it's time to let it go. I don't mean to boast, but damn if I don't brag...I mean, I really feel like he and I could have had it all. You'll never meet a person more loyal than me. I'm educated, raised well, take-home-to-mama type, well-mannered, well-dressed, gorgeous. Lady-in-the-streets.... lol... all that good stuff. So what is it that this girl gave him? Who knows.
The thing that hurts me the most is not the fact that I was cheated on by someone who I put the utmost trust into....I know this doesn't seem major to some people, and that chicks get cheated on erryday. Marriages end over infidelity...blah blah blah. But this is a first for me, and I've handled it the best way that I knew how. The thing that hurt me the most is the way that this situation was handled from his end. I won't go into detail about the letter I sent him, but just know that the bond I've had with this person since high school was so strong that I was willing to give up what we had, and be friends...that's how it all began anyway, right? I know people say "I want him/her to be happy even if it's not with me", but I sincerely meant that. I still mean it, after everything. So for me to open myself up to him, after ALL that I'd been put through...and receive no response? No acknowledgment that I'd poured my soul out in the form of ink from a ball-point pen? That's what hurts.
I keep asking myself how we ended up here... I don't have an answer, but every day that I sit back and think of what could have been (both good AND bad), I'm thankful. I don't have to see the face of betrayal everyday. I guess the long-distance thing was a gift and a curse. I didn't make the life changes that I had every intention of making (moving out to where he attends school, and possibly entering a graduate program there). I can't even imagine what I'd be feeling had I altered my entire life for someone who has no place for me in theirs. But again...I'm thankful. What's next for me? I'm not sure. I feel really "new" in the whole love scene. I've been with the same person virtually my entire adulthood thus far (from age 18 to 22), and so I feel like I have to go back and develop all the things that single, unattached people are supposed to develop lol... but I'm taking things a day at a time. I don't wish him any harm... I don't want to become bitter, but I do feel myself building a wall around my heart. To some, it may seem naive for me to have honestly expected forever with him...but I did. And it's rough starting all over. Involuntarily, I'd etched CB into my identity...so my first order of business is to continue on the path of success that I know has been paved for me. Hopefully he's on his own path. I don't know, for certain, that our paths will intertwine again. And for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling okay with that. ♥
PS: Here's that pic I promised y'all..... Lol.
CB, some random kid, and CB's new chick.
Untitled. (Again). ♥
So I know I said I was gonna start back blogging, so here I am….
Things went from pretty much amazing to horribly sad all in the blink of an eye, and I don’t know any other form of release, except to write. It’s about to get really personal.
SN: I’m thinking about making my blog private, only because I don’t want misinformed people misinterpreting the things I say on here… I have enough REAL drama of my own, I don’t need anyone else’s imaginary drama. But anywho…
What I’m feeling right now can only be described as a toxic mixture of sadness, betrayal, disappointment, curiosity, fear, embarrassment, and just…loss. It’s kinda cliché, but I feel like a part of me has been taken away…like ripped out of me…and I feel like no one cares. It’s kinda crazy how you put your all into something, and expect it to turn out a certain way… you see the beauty, the potential, and the purity of it, and think that it’s solid…that nothing can ruin it, because it’s sacred…it’s real…it’s yours. Then you get this rude awakening, and nothing makes sense anymore.
There’s so much I have on my mind…so many feelings, so many questions…but I can’t bring myself to talk to a lot of people… I haven’t even sorted everything out in my own mind yet, so I can’t really relay my feelings to anyone else. Maybe writing this will help. I may not even post it, but I’ll just keep typing until I get it all out of me…and then see how I feel.
I love my best friends, but I can’t tell them what’s going on… why? Because the way I’m feeling and the way they’d react are NOT conducive to the outcome I’m hoping for…. I’ll backtrack for a second, and admit willingly that I don’t want it to be over… I don’t hate him. I can’t bring myself to… and believe me, I’ve tried. We have yet to speak since this whole thing came to light…So I don’t know any details of the situation…and until I can bring myself to hear his voice and get these answers, I don’t think I’ll ever truly know what to do. I guess that’s what people mean when they refer to Closure…..
But that being said, I haven’t bothered to tell too many people about the situation, because to explain it to them would mean I’d have to hear their reactions and I don’t even know what I want to do about the situation…so I don’t need any outside advice. I just need support in whatever steps I decide to take… the situation may not seem too delicate…but it’s delicate to me. I’ve never gone through this before, and I honestly never saw it coming. Not to be naïve and say I never believed it COULD happen…I just had so much genuine love and trust in this person, that I never thought it WOULD happen… does that make sense at all? IDK…. But anyway… In case any of you read this and wonder why I haven’t told you…please don’t think I’m excluding you or blocking you out in any way… I just need to keep my head as clear as possible for the moment…
It’s funny because my intentions were to attempt a reconciliation (again…smh) with a former friend, and instead I found two people who I can’t help but to care about…lying to me. So now I feel like the stupid one, and THAT’S the part that I can’t deal with… the fact that this is going on behind my back, from the person I’ve given my all to for over 4 years, and a person who clearly either hates me (or is completely indifferent towards me, which is worse than hate in my opinion) knew… I mean, the fact that she and I aren’t friends anymore means that I don’t expect anything along the lines of consideration and loyalty from her…I understand her not wanting anything to do with me, or the situation, because of what she THINKS I did to her….and that’s completely fine. The animosity is completely one-sided, because of a situation that was never addressed and/or resolved. And I can accept that as a loss. But understanding doesn’t lessen the pain. So here I am… intending to reconcile one relationship, and losing another… and all I can think about is how nothing will ever be the same….
I have much healing to do. The little advice/support I have received has been from unlikely sources, but I appreciate it nonetheless. Especially those who are on the outside looking in, and are more objective. Overall, the consensus has been that I need to plainly let him know how I’m feeling, and get the answers I need in order to move on, with or without him in my corner. I need to realize that I did nothing wrong, and that if this is meant to happen, it will. I never thought I’d be the girl capable of forgiving something like this, but in all honesty, I think I can…. And I mean truly forgive. Because I don’t consider the love I have for him some superficial, artificial, just-saying-it-because-it-sounds-pretty type of love. I put my soul into this relationship. Even before it WAS a relationship. And I don’t love him any less today than I did in September 2006 when I first admitted how I felt about him. If that makes me look/sound foolish, then so be it… If nothing else, I’ve learned (while being submerged in my thoughts these last couple days) that I can’t base my actions off of what other people are going to think of them… No one knows a relationship like the two people who are involved. Everyone else is just an outsider, getting bits and pieces of a huge picture. Am I ready to speak to him yet? I don‘t know. I don’t think I can even hear his voice yet, without breaking down. But hopefully that will change. Do I forgive him? I don’t know. I don’t even have all the information necessary to know whether I’m going left, right, up, or down…but I’m willing to forgive. The only thing I’m absolutely positively sure about…is that I love him. And even if I never speak to him again, that won’t change.
Things went from pretty much amazing to horribly sad all in the blink of an eye, and I don’t know any other form of release, except to write. It’s about to get really personal.
SN: I’m thinking about making my blog private, only because I don’t want misinformed people misinterpreting the things I say on here… I have enough REAL drama of my own, I don’t need anyone else’s imaginary drama. But anywho…
What I’m feeling right now can only be described as a toxic mixture of sadness, betrayal, disappointment, curiosity, fear, embarrassment, and just…loss. It’s kinda cliché, but I feel like a part of me has been taken away…like ripped out of me…and I feel like no one cares. It’s kinda crazy how you put your all into something, and expect it to turn out a certain way… you see the beauty, the potential, and the purity of it, and think that it’s solid…that nothing can ruin it, because it’s sacred…it’s real…it’s yours. Then you get this rude awakening, and nothing makes sense anymore.
There’s so much I have on my mind…so many feelings, so many questions…but I can’t bring myself to talk to a lot of people… I haven’t even sorted everything out in my own mind yet, so I can’t really relay my feelings to anyone else. Maybe writing this will help. I may not even post it, but I’ll just keep typing until I get it all out of me…and then see how I feel.
I love my best friends, but I can’t tell them what’s going on… why? Because the way I’m feeling and the way they’d react are NOT conducive to the outcome I’m hoping for…. I’ll backtrack for a second, and admit willingly that I don’t want it to be over… I don’t hate him. I can’t bring myself to… and believe me, I’ve tried. We have yet to speak since this whole thing came to light…So I don’t know any details of the situation…and until I can bring myself to hear his voice and get these answers, I don’t think I’ll ever truly know what to do. I guess that’s what people mean when they refer to Closure…..
But that being said, I haven’t bothered to tell too many people about the situation, because to explain it to them would mean I’d have to hear their reactions and I don’t even know what I want to do about the situation…so I don’t need any outside advice. I just need support in whatever steps I decide to take… the situation may not seem too delicate…but it’s delicate to me. I’ve never gone through this before, and I honestly never saw it coming. Not to be naïve and say I never believed it COULD happen…I just had so much genuine love and trust in this person, that I never thought it WOULD happen… does that make sense at all? IDK…. But anyway… In case any of you read this and wonder why I haven’t told you…please don’t think I’m excluding you or blocking you out in any way… I just need to keep my head as clear as possible for the moment…
It’s funny because my intentions were to attempt a reconciliation (again…smh) with a former friend, and instead I found two people who I can’t help but to care about…lying to me. So now I feel like the stupid one, and THAT’S the part that I can’t deal with… the fact that this is going on behind my back, from the person I’ve given my all to for over 4 years, and a person who clearly either hates me (or is completely indifferent towards me, which is worse than hate in my opinion) knew… I mean, the fact that she and I aren’t friends anymore means that I don’t expect anything along the lines of consideration and loyalty from her…I understand her not wanting anything to do with me, or the situation, because of what she THINKS I did to her….and that’s completely fine. The animosity is completely one-sided, because of a situation that was never addressed and/or resolved. And I can accept that as a loss. But understanding doesn’t lessen the pain. So here I am… intending to reconcile one relationship, and losing another… and all I can think about is how nothing will ever be the same….
I have much healing to do. The little advice/support I have received has been from unlikely sources, but I appreciate it nonetheless. Especially those who are on the outside looking in, and are more objective. Overall, the consensus has been that I need to plainly let him know how I’m feeling, and get the answers I need in order to move on, with or without him in my corner. I need to realize that I did nothing wrong, and that if this is meant to happen, it will. I never thought I’d be the girl capable of forgiving something like this, but in all honesty, I think I can…. And I mean truly forgive. Because I don’t consider the love I have for him some superficial, artificial, just-saying-it-because-it-sounds-pretty type of love. I put my soul into this relationship. Even before it WAS a relationship. And I don’t love him any less today than I did in September 2006 when I first admitted how I felt about him. If that makes me look/sound foolish, then so be it… If nothing else, I’ve learned (while being submerged in my thoughts these last couple days) that I can’t base my actions off of what other people are going to think of them… No one knows a relationship like the two people who are involved. Everyone else is just an outsider, getting bits and pieces of a huge picture. Am I ready to speak to him yet? I don‘t know. I don’t think I can even hear his voice yet, without breaking down. But hopefully that will change. Do I forgive him? I don’t know. I don’t even have all the information necessary to know whether I’m going left, right, up, or down…but I’m willing to forgive. The only thing I’m absolutely positively sure about…is that I love him. And even if I never speak to him again, that won’t change.
*Enters Room Quietly...*
Heeyyyy y'all...
I know I've been a horribly bad blogger lately...lol... but you know how life just gets busy, and then procrastination kicks in, and then blogger's block, and then other shit? Yeah.... that happened....
But hopefully I can figure out some type of way to fit this into my schedule!! It seems like I had a lot less headaches when I blogged on the regular.... sigh.
Anyway, I'm so excited to catch up on you guys' blogs, and catch you up on what's been going on in my lil' corner of the world! Usually when I don't blog, I at leastlurk keep up with your posts, but I feel bad when I read your stuff and don't have anything to write on my own lol so I kinda just avoided the whole thing! SMH.... I know, I know... *hangs head in shame*
So...it's pretty much been the usual stress that comes with being 22.... I graduated on December 18th with my first degree *APPLAUSE*...and I've been working full time at the store...but of course my granny is all "blah blah blah, you need to go find a job with your degree and stop foolin' with that store...wah wah wah" and it's irritating because I'm like damn, can I breathe? For like, a second? I just need a little break. Tiny teensy itty bitty. I mean, I finished in 4 years, despite everything that could go wrong, going wrong...I think I deserve a breather....right?
My significant other....is an athlete. 'nuff said. Next.
I think I've become even more antisocial...if that's even possible. I dont like ANYONE lol!!! Like, 99% of the people around me get on my damn nerves, and the other 1% I can only take in small doses.... smh.
But anyway...I'm just coolin... trying to live.
I need some new, dope blogs to follow....
And some new twitter buddies.... Drop me some recommendations!
♥
I know I've been a horribly bad blogger lately...lol... but you know how life just gets busy, and then procrastination kicks in, and then blogger's block, and then other shit? Yeah.... that happened....
But hopefully I can figure out some type of way to fit this into my schedule!! It seems like I had a lot less headaches when I blogged on the regular.... sigh.
Anyway, I'm so excited to catch up on you guys' blogs, and catch you up on what's been going on in my lil' corner of the world! Usually when I don't blog, I at least
So...it's pretty much been the usual stress that comes with being 22.... I graduated on December 18th with my first degree *APPLAUSE*...and I've been working full time at the store...but of course my granny is all "blah blah blah, you need to go find a job with your degree and stop foolin' with that store...wah wah wah" and it's irritating because I'm like damn, can I breathe? For like, a second? I just need a little break. Tiny teensy itty bitty. I mean, I finished in 4 years, despite everything that could go wrong, going wrong...I think I deserve a breather....right?
My significant other....is an athlete. 'nuff said. Next.
I think I've become even more antisocial...if that's even possible. I dont like ANYONE lol!!! Like, 99% of the people around me get on my damn nerves, and the other 1% I can only take in small doses.... smh.
But anyway...I'm just coolin... trying to live.
I need some new, dope blogs to follow....
And some new twitter buddies.... Drop me some recommendations!
♥
I'm Here!....♥
...just to lurk around, though.... I dont really have much to talk about at the moment.... I might later tonight, though lol. ♥
Heyy...♥
It's been a long time....
*cue music* I shouldn't have left you (left you) without a dope beat to step to....{Timbaland voice}
But anyway, I'd love to tell you guys that I'm back from the little hiatus I took over the past few weeks, and that I'll be blogging on the regular again buuutttttttt I've always felt that a LiaR ain't shit. So...yeah. We'll just take things a day at a time lol. I've really missed you guys, though! I'll have to catch up on reading (and posting) at some point. Out of nowhere, life just got extra busy, and I found myself trying to pencil sleep and hair washes into my schedule...smh. Lol. It's been a crazy couple months. For those who don't know, I've worked at Torrid for 2 years now. Well I was recently promoted to Assistant Manager, which occupies a big chunk of my time. No complaints there... the hours and the pay are alright with me...Not too shabby for my first and only retail job, right? Lol. This is also my last semester of undergrad, so I've been trying to wrap things up on a strong note. So far, so good...in addition to classes, I've been doing my externship at a local elementary school. So yes... busy, busy, busy. All this while remaining fly and fabulous! I've been rockin' my natural to the fullest, and I've cut about 4 inches off since that last pic I posted, a few entries back.... don't worry, you can hardly tell the difference. The 'fro is still in full effect. Lol. Just minus a few pesky ends.
Enough about me, though.....How've my old faithfuls been? Do any of you have twitters? I'd love to follow, so if you do, leave me an @ name, or follow me. Trust me, you'll hear from me a lot more on there than you will on here lol... But I am gonna try to get back to blogging. Y'all know how it is... Lol. Til next time...
x0x0♥
*cue music* I shouldn't have left you (left you) without a dope beat to step to....{Timbaland voice}
But anyway, I'd love to tell you guys that I'm back from the little hiatus I took over the past few weeks, and that I'll be blogging on the regular again buuutttttttt I've always felt that a LiaR ain't shit. So...yeah. We'll just take things a day at a time lol. I've really missed you guys, though! I'll have to catch up on reading (and posting) at some point. Out of nowhere, life just got extra busy, and I found myself trying to pencil sleep and hair washes into my schedule...smh. Lol. It's been a crazy couple months. For those who don't know, I've worked at Torrid for 2 years now. Well I was recently promoted to Assistant Manager, which occupies a big chunk of my time. No complaints there... the hours and the pay are alright with me...Not too shabby for my first and only retail job, right? Lol. This is also my last semester of undergrad, so I've been trying to wrap things up on a strong note. So far, so good...in addition to classes, I've been doing my externship at a local elementary school. So yes... busy, busy, busy. All this while remaining fly and fabulous! I've been rockin' my natural to the fullest, and I've cut about 4 inches off since that last pic I posted, a few entries back.... don't worry, you can hardly tell the difference. The 'fro is still in full effect. Lol. Just minus a few pesky ends.
Enough about me, though.....How've my old faithfuls been? Do any of you have twitters? I'd love to follow, so if you do, leave me an @ name, or follow me. Trust me, you'll hear from me a lot more on there than you will on here lol... But I am gonna try to get back to blogging. Y'all know how it is... Lol. Til next time...
x0x0♥
PSA... ♥
So I've come to learn that this blog challenge stuff isn't for me... lol
1) I don't have the attention span for this ish... There's a million other things running through my mind on any given day, and sometimes my blog, as much as I adore it, is NOT one of them lol.
2) I'm a free spirit... I wanna blog when I wanna blog... and if I don't feel like blogging, then I don't lol.
3) Umm this is my last semester of undergrad... it's exam week. #Shrug.
4) My name is GiGi... and I am a #TwitterJunkie. I mean, who wants to sit and type paragraphs of stuff when somerandom rich ass white person guy gave us a place to spill our guts all day everyday, in 140 characters or less?? #ImJustSayin...
5) Some of these topics are like repeats, because I feel like my letters are to the same people lol... Y'all know I don't like anybody hahaha!
x0x0♥
1) I don't have the attention span for this ish... There's a million other things running through my mind on any given day, and sometimes my blog, as much as I adore it, is NOT one of them lol.
2) I'm a free spirit... I wanna blog when I wanna blog... and if I don't feel like blogging, then I don't lol.
3) Umm this is my last semester of undergrad... it's exam week. #Shrug.
4) My name is GiGi... and I am a #TwitterJunkie. I mean, who wants to sit and type paragraphs of stuff when some
5) Some of these topics are like repeats, because I feel like my letters are to the same people lol... Y'all know I don't like anybody hahaha!
x0x0♥
Day 26--Letter to the Last Person I Made a Pinky Promise To.♥
Ummm.... I don't make Pinky Promises... lol. #Ghey.
Day 25--Letter to the Person Going Through the Worst of Times.♥
Dear Brother/Sister,
It's only temporary.
I say this to loved ones whenever they're going through something, and it's not something that was force-fed to me in church or anything like that. I truly believe it. The trials and tribulations we endure, no matter how major or minor, are only temporary. That's the reason we go "through" things...so that we can come out on the other side, hopefully in a better place than we were in before. I know it's not easy to be positive sometimes, especially when nothing seems to be going right...but hopefully you don't quit. So, to you...whoever, wherever you are, whatever situation you're in the midst of... keep keepin' on. Life is much more than the sum of negative events.
Sincerely Yours,
The Current {not Eternal} Optimist.♥
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh...
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
--Author Unknown.♥
Day 24--Letter to the Person Who Gave Me My Favorite Memory.♥
Dear Admissions Office,
Good lookin' on that 4-year full ride. I remember the first day I got your letter in the mail. I was wearing a pink shirt and shorts, and my hair was relaxed, with a burgundy-red rinse. I had these glasses, and the color of my hair kinda complemented them. Anyway, that day my mom was sooooo happy and proud. That made me happy and proud. Even though I can't stand your long lines and ridiculously rude employees, without you I'd probably be broke back in Cleveland somewhere with all the others who weren't as awesome as me in high school, and didn't earn a scholarship. hehehe.
It's Been Real.
Deuces in December.♥
Good lookin' on that 4-year full ride. I remember the first day I got your letter in the mail. I was wearing a pink shirt and shorts, and my hair was relaxed, with a burgundy-red rinse. I had these glasses, and the color of my hair kinda complemented them. Anyway, that day my mom was sooooo happy and proud. That made me happy and proud. Even though I can't stand your long lines and ridiculously rude employees, without you I'd probably be broke back in Cleveland somewhere with all the others who weren't as awesome as me in high school, and didn't earn a scholarship. hehehe.
It's Been Real.
Deuces in December.♥
Day 23--Letter to the Person I Last Kissed.♥
Note: I know some may say it's cheating to use song lyrics as my letter...but
To My Chocolate,
It's not so easy
Lovin' me....
It gets so ComPlicated....
All the things you've gotta be.
Everything's changing....
But you're the truth.
I'm amazed by all your PaTienCe...
Everything I put you through.
And when I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waiting with your open arms to catch me.
You're gonna Save Me from Myself....
My love is tainted...
By your touch.
'cause some guys have shown me aces,
But you've got that RoyaL fLusH.
I know it's crazy....
Everyday.
Well tomorrow may be shaky...
But you never turn away...
Don't ask me why I'm crying,
'cause when I start to crumble...
You know how to keep me smilin'...
You always Save Me from Myself.
Love,
Your Peanut Butter.
(via Christina Aguilera: "Save Me from Myself": Back to Basics)♥
Day 22--Letter to Someone I Want to Give a Second Chance.♥
Dear Old Friend,
I'd love to talk to you again.
I'd love to get back to that place...
When we could call one another anytime.
When it was all love.
When you understood, even when no one else did.
I'd love to say that things were cool,
That we were BFFs.
That I loved you like a sister.
That anyone who had a problem with you, had a problem with me.
That I'd snatch a bitch for you.
I wish we were able to break down the wall of animosity that had been constructed.
Just talk.
Like old times.
There's only one problem:
We tried that.
Then you and your psychological construction crew built the wall back up...
And this time,
I'm not volunteering to be on the demolition crew that breaks it down.
Good Riddance.♥
I'd love to talk to you again.
I'd love to get back to that place...
When we could call one another anytime.
When it was all love.
When you understood, even when no one else did.
I'd love to say that things were cool,
That we were BFFs.
That I loved you like a sister.
That anyone who had a problem with you, had a problem with me.
That I'd snatch a bitch for you.
I wish we were able to break down the wall of animosity that had been constructed.
Just talk.
Like old times.
There's only one problem:
We tried that.
Then you and your psychological construction crew built the wall back up...
And this time,
I'm not volunteering to be on the demolition crew that breaks it down.
Good Riddance.♥
Day 21--Letter to Someone I Judged By Their First Impression.♥
Dear Disappointment,
When I first saw you, that little voice in the back of my mind told me that you were no good...at least not for me. I should have listened.
Behind the cuteness, what did you have to offer? Why were you in that place, at that time? Didn't you have anywhere else to be?
All these questions gave me the impression that you wouldn't be around for too long...and that your presence wouldn't be essential to my life. Again, I should've listened. Still, I chose to let you into my space. Into my face. Into my place...#ALessonLearned.
You're not a bad person...you didn't hurt me too badly...nothing like that. You were just...disappointing. Had I gone by my interpretation of you in the first place, I could have saved myself the time and energy. Because you definitely proved me right. But it's cool.
If nothing else, you taught me one thing: Always listen to that "little voice"....it's usually not at "little" as we try to make it seem...and it's usually right.
Yours Truly,
The One Who Got Away (Thank God) ♥
When I first saw you, that little voice in the back of my mind told me that you were no good...at least not for me. I should have listened.
Behind the cuteness, what did you have to offer? Why were you in that place, at that time? Didn't you have anywhere else to be?
All these questions gave me the impression that you wouldn't be around for too long...and that your presence wouldn't be essential to my life. Again, I should've listened. Still, I chose to let you into my space. Into my face. Into my place...#ALessonLearned.
You're not a bad person...you didn't hurt me too badly...nothing like that. You were just...disappointing. Had I gone by my interpretation of you in the first place, I could have saved myself the time and energy. Because you definitely proved me right. But it's cool.
If nothing else, you taught me one thing: Always listen to that "little voice"....it's usually not at "little" as we try to make it seem...and it's usually right.
Yours Truly,
The One Who Got Away (Thank God) ♥
Day 20--Letter to the One that Broke My Heart the Hardest.♥
To He Whose Name We Don't Speak,
Hmm....I used to think that you'd always be the person who'd broken my heart, but now that I write this letter, I realize that you didn't break my heart. You crushed my ego, maybe...but my heart? I'm not really sure it was ever in your possession for you to break. See, for me...high school was this cozy little box full of routine. Even in the middle of the hoodest of 'hoods, high school felt like this little box of protection. To put it plain and simple, you were all I knew. I mean, I loved you. I won't deny that. But I don't think I was in love with you. Maybe after 2 years, I thought I was supposed to be in love with you...I mean, it was high school. Two years was like damn-near married lol. But what I have now....what I've had these last 4 years...feels completely different. Completely better. Completely real. So it makes me question everything I thought I had with you all those years ago.... either way, I felt some kinda way when you left...but there are no hard feelings. You taught me a lot...about how I should/shouldn't be treated. About what I should/shouldn't accept. I can appreciate that. The heartbreak I felt back then is completely covered up now (notice I said covered, not healed)...because I haven't seen spoken to you in years. If I was face-to-face with you right now, I don't have any idea what I'd say or how I'd feel. I do know this much: What we had was good at the time. We shared a time and space that no one else can appreciate as we do. When you left, things were hard for me. I felt rejected, stupid, duped, discarded, played, and a plethora of other things that took awhile to move past. But now, I'm a different me. An older me. A wiser me. A 'me' that survived heartbreak at the hands of a 'you'... and I'm grateful.
Sincerely,
Me.♥
Hmm....I used to think that you'd always be the person who'd broken my heart, but now that I write this letter, I realize that you didn't break my heart. You crushed my ego, maybe...but my heart? I'm not really sure it was ever in your possession for you to break. See, for me...high school was this cozy little box full of routine. Even in the middle of the hoodest of 'hoods, high school felt like this little box of protection. To put it plain and simple, you were all I knew. I mean, I loved you. I won't deny that. But I don't think I was in love with you. Maybe after 2 years, I thought I was supposed to be in love with you...I mean, it was high school. Two years was like damn-near married lol. But what I have now....what I've had these last 4 years...feels completely different. Completely better. Completely real. So it makes me question everything I thought I had with you all those years ago.... either way, I felt some kinda way when you left...but there are no hard feelings. You taught me a lot...about how I should/shouldn't be treated. About what I should/shouldn't accept. I can appreciate that. The heartbreak I felt back then is completely covered up now (notice I said covered, not healed)...because I haven't seen spoken to you in years. If I was face-to-face with you right now, I don't have any idea what I'd say or how I'd feel. I do know this much: What we had was good at the time. We shared a time and space that no one else can appreciate as we do. When you left, things were hard for me. I felt rejected, stupid, duped, discarded, played, and a plethora of other things that took awhile to move past. But now, I'm a different me. An older me. A wiser me. A 'me' that survived heartbreak at the hands of a 'you'... and I'm grateful.
Sincerely,
Me.♥
Natural Hair isn't for Everyone. ♥
I check my Twitter (you know, just like all the other twitter junkies do upon opening their eyes in the morning) and I see retweets from a woman (WITH natural hair) that originated from some guy. The tweets said something to the effect of "#NaturalHair ain't for everybody...some people don't need to try it".....*blank stare*
Now, my first reaction was WTF...so I went back and read the tweets again. Now, I'm irritated. This isn't the first time I've seen this on Twitter, or heard people say it, or whatever...but for whatever reason, it grinded my gears today.
Who the fuck are you to say that natural hair isn't ok? I mean, it's natural. It's what we're born with. It was fully intended to grow out of our scalps. Before all the chemicals and BS that people decided to put in their hair in a half-assed attempt to attain some warped sense of perfection...we were all natural. You were natural. Your mama was natural. Her mama was, too! So why is it that when we see a woman with natural hair, people feel the need to criticize?
Now, I know someone will say this...so I'll let you know that I've already considered the following things:
1) Everyone doesn't picture the same thing when "Natural" hair is mentioned.
There are many things that might come to mind...some naturals sport a fade, or rock a TWA (teeny-weeny afro). Some wear twists, dreads, or braids. Some wear their hair loose and curly. Then there are those with the dope ass, huge ass, obnoxious ass 'fro. Lol I'm a tad bit biased. But anyway, you catch my drift. I understand that there are people who have preferences, and that these styles may not be included in those preferences.
2) Some naturals are kinda sensitive.
I'll admit, these comments touched a nerve, but not only because I'm a natural. It's because I'm a woman...who, over the last 22 years, has spent countless hours in front of a mirror trying to make everything as aesthetically pleasing as possible, only to go outside and still feel like I'm being judged and criticized (I mean, I could usually care less about the shit, but you still feel it happening). It's because I'm a Black woman...who's gone through more than half her life getting creamy white shit slapped on her scalp and roots, just to "tame" hair that just wants to run free. If I made a pile of all the hair I've swept/vacuumed up from the floor in my lifetime, due to breakage and whatnot, Do you know how freakishly huge that shit would be??? Let's not even talk about it...and all to achieve straightness.
My opinion is this:
This society has conditioned us to feel self-conscious and apprehensive about our natural appearances. We all see varying things when we look at one another. When I see a female walking around with fake hair, fake skin (aka cake-faced makeup), fake eyes, fake lips, fake boobs, fake nails, booty pops, and all this other foolish ass stuff that's made to "enhance one's appearance", I think it's sad. I feel bad for her...and I wonder 1) what she looks like at night when/if she goes home and takes all that shit off, and 2) what has happened to her to make all these enhancements seem necessary in the first place? What side comments has she heard about her nappy hair, or her not-so-perfect skin, or her flat ass, that drove her to feel the need for these things? But when another person sees this same thing, they may very well be thinking "Damn, I'm gonna marry this chick"...so hey. To each his own.
I just think we're so used to seeing fake shit, that reality scares us. And that's a sad phenomenon. As far as hair goes, "going natural" is the exception to the norm! To some people, it makes you "outside the box". Different. Refreshing, to some. Crazy to others. When did this happen?? We see a woman with a long, gorgeous head of hair, and we think (or some ign'ant ones will actually ASK) what she's mixed with, or where she bought her hair.... We don't realize that the so-called perfection we're trying to achieve is just conformity. Pure conformity. "Natural hair wouldn't look good on me".... How do you know? You haven't seen it since you were 5! "Natural hair is too hard to manage".....I wash and style my hair twice a week, if that. I get up, rub some moisturizer and oil on this baby, pick it out, stick a flower or headband on it, and roll out. There's no hours of flat-ironing, no $90 trips to the shop every two weeks. No ducking and dodging raindrops.
I'm also not one of those annoying hair advocates who tries to force everyone one I see to join me on this going natural journey...I don't think people with relaxers are stupid (unless its one of those people who constantly complain about damaged hair, yet still are up in the Walgreens line buying that lil box every 6-8 weeks)... I don't believe in good hair vs. bad hair... I believe that regardless of what you have growing out of/glued into/sewn into your hair, you owe it to yourself and your hair to keep it healthy and well-managed. Being natural takes patience, effort, and TLC...so ol' boy was right. Maybe #NaturalHair isn't for everyone.
x0x0
LovePeaceCurls♥
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